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Why Do Women Cheat? Inside the Mind of a 10 Year Old

October 10, 2019

My 10 year old daughter never ceases to amaze me. She informed me last week of why women cheat. Allow me to set the stage before I hit you with her unmatched wisdom. I was sitting in the pick-up line, waiting for my daughter to be dismissed from school. I know, lots of fun, right?! Anyway, to kill some time, I turn on Joshua Nichols and Erin Bellamy’s RecoveryTV segment on Why Women Cheat  (which is a great video by the way, you should really watch it). Well, about three-fourths of the way in, the car line starts moving so I stop the video, put my phone down, and pull forward to let my daughter in. A couple of minutes go by before I hear, “why women cheat… hmm. I know why women cheat…” As a mother who is also a marriage counselor specializing in betrayal trauma, I just couldn’t wait to hear her reasonings. Upon first hearing them, I thought they were kind of silly; but, then I really began thinking about them. In all honesty, they have quite a bit of merit.

So, without further ado, here are the 4 Reason Why Women Cheat from the Mouth of My 10 Year-Old

BECAUSE THEY WANT TO. Maybe women do. However, in most cases, I don’t believe that most women set out to intentionally cheat on their partners. Infidelity by women is typically emotionally driven. They may feel unappreciated or neglected by their partner; or, they may feel disconnected and lonely. When an opportunity presents itself, these empty feelings can turn into excitement and comfort as the woman is now being seen, heard, and wanted.  Often, the newness of these emotionally driven relationships result in furthered attention-seeking behaviors, validation by others, and connection that tend to fill these voids, even if for only a short period of time.

TO SCAM HIM. I’ve heard of this going in two different directions. The first being women who play on the emotions of others, “building the romance of a lifetime.” Once they have gained the affection and trust of the scammed individual, the women will slowly begin to ask and expect gifts, money, or even bank account/ credit card information.   The second is blackmail, typically in attempt to keep an affair going or to keep the affair or some knowledge of the affair partner a secret. Exposure of the affair can be threatened with several gains in mind: money, continued emotional relationship, continued sexual relationship, or career advancement just to name a few.   To my daughter’s credit, it was a clever answer. However, rarely, if ever, have I worked with a couple in my practice where the female partner was unfaithful to in effort to scam her affair partner, although I am sure it has and does happen on occasion.

THEY DON’T LIKE THE GUY THEY ARE WITH BUT DON’T WANT TO HURT HIS FEELING EITHER. Although, I’m not convinced that a typical woman just no longer likes her partner, I do believe a similar phenomenon is occurring. Have you heard the phrases, “We just aren’t in love anymore,” “I feel like we are just roommates,” or, “he no longer sees me?” A lack of love or lack of feeling loved can be a strong motivation for some women. Often, women who leave the marriage experiencing emotional longing before cheating begins. For some women, cheating is a means to transition out of a bad or affectionless marriage. For other women, cheating is a cry for help within the marriage.

TO BE MEAN TO THE GUY SHE IS WITH. Revenge sex is on the rise. Retaliation is too common of a response after finding out that a spouse has engaged in their own extramarital affairs. The desire for retribution can be intense for the injured partner. She may feel justified and even driven to hurt her partner with the intent of getting even. She is angry and may feel the need to teach the partner a lesson. To ensure the partner feels the same hurt and pain, some women will even go out of their way to make certain their partners find out.

I wrote this blog because I was amazed by the level of insight displayed by my 10 year old. I thought it would be interesting to share her answers to give the readers of glimpse into the mind of 10 year old girl when it comes to topic of betrayal trauma by females. I appreciate you reading, but I would also encourage you, once again, to watch the RecoveryTV segment on “Why Women Cheat,” as Erin and Josh outline 4 more common reasons for female unfaithfulness.

Although, these reasons only touch on why a woman might cheat, the principle of the matter is that a majority of people engage in infidelity because they are looking for something, whether it is love, affection, sex, money, connection, or revenge. Affairs are almost always the result of relational problems and/or emotional emptiness; however, affairs don’t fix marital issues, hurt, or emptiness. Instead, affairs also almost always result in feelings of violation, rejection, and mistrust. If you and your partner are experiencing conflict, lack of intimacy, disconnection, or any other issues, I would encourage you to seek a couples therapist specializing in betrayal trauma recovery. Thanks again for reading.

~Rebel Buersmeyer~
Licensed Marital & Family Therapist
Certified Sex Addiction Therapist

Filed Under: Blog Tagged With: #recoverytv, adultery, affair recovery, betrayal trauma, betrayal trauma recovery, cheating, couple recovery, couples therapy, CSAT, do women cheat, erin bellamy, Forgiveness, infidelity, joshua nichols, Rebel Buersmeyer, recovery, unfaithful, why do women cheat

Transforming Conflict: How Conflict Is SUPPOSED to Work.

May 31, 2019

 

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Peace is not the absence of conflict; it is the ability to handle conflict by peaceful means. – Ronald Reagan

Having lived in Oklahoma for a large portion of my life, I have learned just how important football is to most people. Especially college football. I grew up in Kansas City where professional sports ruled (Go Chiefs!). I like football and can appreciate it, but I’ve always been a baseball fan (Go Royals!). Anyway, having watched it for a long time, I’ve come to understand the basics of the game of football. Rugby is another story. When I saw my first rugby match I was amazed at how little I understood about the game. It just looked like chaos to me! Since then I have given in to my curiosity about the game, which led me to do a little research. I can honestly say that I have a better awareness of the basic rules and objectives of the game. If I were to watch a match today, I can safely say that I would be able to follow along and maybe even enjoy myself.

In much of the same way that I struggled in learning the game of rugby, many people struggle learning the game of relational conflict . All of us have experienced it, but how many of us really understand what’s going on when things get tense between two people? To most of us, conflict represents chaos in our relationships. If often feels out of control and scary. That’s why we work so hard to avoid it at all costs. But what if I told you that it could be understood?  What if you could get into a conflict with your spouse and actually be able to notice things happening as they happen? If you can understand the structure of it – the rules and the objectives – it might take some of the mystery out of conflict and make it less chaotic. The ability to do this is what I call “transforming conflict.”  All relationships need conflict done well.  The goal isn’t to eliminate conflict from your relationship, but to make it more productive rather than destructive. Our fights have the power to do either one of these. They can work to build a relationship, or they can work to destroy a relationship. I like the term “transforming conflict” because it means two distinct things:

  1. We need to transform what we think about conflict. It’s my goal as a marriage & family therapist to effectively to help individuals and couples change a their perception of conflict. Most of us see conflict as a dreadful, destructive thing that is to be avoided. Let’s face it, when we see a couple fighting, we don’t say to ourselves, “boy they sure seem to love each other. I wish my spouse and I could have such an intimate relationship!” When we see a couple fighting we are more likely to assume that their relationship is somehow “on the rocks”. But it’s my goal to help people see the hidden benefits of well-done conflict. It’s this perception that conflict is always bad and always destructive that needs to be “transformed”.
  2. We need to allow conflict to transform us as individuals. I believe that one of the hidden benefits of well-done conflict is it’s transformative nature for the individuals involved. If allowed to do it’s work, conflict should help each participant to see that there are other ways of percieving things. It should stretch and push us out of our assumptions and automatic perceptions of things and challenge us to a more nuanced view of issues at hand. Conflict is meant to “transform” us and help us become more mature individuals. Although the process is unpleasant in the beginning, it usually has greater rewards in the long run.

I truly believe that the more a person and couple can learn about the structure of conflict, and about the particular issues involved in their own conflict, the more “under control” their conflict will feel. Just like learning more about a sport that previously looked like chaos. The more you explore it and even participate in it, the more it feels less chaotic and more orderly.

If the conflict in your life proves to be more destructive than productive, then I encourage you to take action by finding a relationship expert to help you transform your life by transforming your conflict.

Author:
Matt Stevenson
Licensed Marital & Family Therapist
Certified Discernment Counselor
Contact Matt


Other Works by Matt Stevenson

“I want in but my spouse wants out!” Have You Heard of Discernment Counseling
To Divorce or NOT to Divorce, that is the question.


Matt Stevenson on RecoveryTV

What Is Discernment Counseling [YouTube Video]
Couple Conflict: Why Do We Fight All the Time? [YouTube Video]
How to Talk to Your Spouse About Divorce [YouTube Video]

Filed Under: Blog Tagged With: certified discernment counselor, conflict, conflict resolution, couple conflict, couples help, couples therapy, discernment counseling, how to handle conflict in marriage, marriage help, marriage therapy, matt stevenson, transforming conflict, what is discernment counseling, what is healthy conflict

RecoveryTV LIVE [S2E1]: Recoverying from a Broken Heart | Donnie Van Curen

February 15, 2019

CLICK HERE TO GO TO THE EVENT

Welcome to our second season of Recovery TV LIVE!!  We are excited to kick it off with a very special guest, licensed therapist and relationship expert, Donnie Van Curen.  Recovering a break up is hard enough, but, recovering from a broken heart is a completely different emotional ballgame. In this episode, we will discuss with Donnie this common relationship experience that we call HEARTBREAK.  We will address the unique challenges that those who are suffering broken hearts go through, as well as, what it takes to overcome and heal from a broken heart.

 

ABOUT OUR GUEST

Donnie Van Curen is a licensed marital and family therapist, author and public speaker. His areas of focus includes; marriage, premarriage, blended families, adolescents, depression, anxiety and grief.  In addition to his private practice, Counseling 1820, Donnie also founded New Path, a Christian Counseling Group, in 2015. It is currently the home of 8 therapists and one psychiatrist and is located in Edmond, Oklahoma  Donnie is the author of the book, The Best Marriage Ever, which was published in 2012.   Donnie can be seen twice a week on Channel 9 in his segment titled “Ask Donnie”. Donnie has been married for 25 years to his wife Heather, and they have two children, who are both working on their college education.

 

Tagged With: #recoverytv, ask donnie, broken heart, carrie kyger, counseling 1820, couples counseling, couples therapy, donnie van curen, heartbreak, joshua nichols, new path counseling, news9 ask donnie, recoverying from a broken heart, recoverytvlive

What Is Erotic Intelligence? An Interview w/ Dr. Alexandra Katehakis

September 17, 2018

You have heard of the intellectual quotient (i.e., IQ), and you likely have heard of emotional intelligence (i.e., EQ), but have you heard of EROTIC INTELLIGENCE.  In this episode of RecoveryTV LIVE, Dr. Alexandra Katehakis further discusses the ins and outs of this concept.  Dr. Katehakis is a licensed marriage and family therapist, certified sex addiction therapist, AASECT certified sex therapist, public speaker, and published author.  Here are some main points she discusses in this episode:

  1. Defining “erotic intelligence”
  2. Explanation of the concept of “healthy lust.”
  3. What about appropriate use of fantasy? You’ll love her “Erotic Martian” metaphor! It’s a bit humorous, but it really drives home her message.
  4. The importance of developing a healthy sex plan.
  5. Lastly, THE LIGHTNING ROUND….you will learn about a couple people she’d love to have dinner with as well as a WORD she considers “fun to say” (and more).

Enjoy the interview!

NOTABLE LINKS

Professional workshops coming up at CHS: Introductory Sex Addiction Treatment Training Program at Center for Healthy Sex – 18 CE’s available for BBS and APA Credit 6 Classes – Saturday’s; October 6 – 27th, November 3rd + 17th and December 8th — find out more at http://www.centerforhealthysex.com > Professionals > Events, Lectures & Trainings.

Check out Dr. Katehakis on YouTube at http://www.youtube.com/centerforhealthysex

Tune into Dr. Katehakis’ apple podcast – https://tinyurl.com/ybv8leqs

Book: Erotic Intelligence – https://tinyurl.com/y785a9u6

Workbook: Sexual Reflections – https://tinyurl.com/y8vxrq3c

Book: Mirror of Intimacy – https://tinyurl.com/y7lszut6

 

Filed Under: Blog Tagged With: #recoverymatters, #recoverytv, addiction, addiction recovery, alexandra katehakis, couples therapy, CSAT, erotic intelligence, healthy sexuality, sex addiction, sex addiction recovery, sexual health, what is erotic intelligence

Affair Recovery: 5 Signs You Might NOT Be Ready for Couples Therapy

July 2, 2018

“Infidelity hurts in ways that words simply can’t explain!”

These words, in some way, shape, or form, are often uttered from the lips of couples who have experienced the trauma of betrayal. After the shock of experiencing infidelity in a relationship, many couples bravely seek help from a therapist.  The initial instinct may be to attend couple’s therapy as the wound happened to the relationship, so “the relationship” should be in the room with the professional.  This approach is very true for many couples following the shock, pain and confusion of infidelity.  However, as a therapist treating couples and individual for many years, there are some relationships that are not ready to address these wounds in a couple’s therapy setting.

5 Signs You Are NOT Ready for Couples Therapy Following an Affair

1. The wound is too fresh.

Just like with a physical injury, often times there is too much external and surrounding damage to dive into the wound.  Many times doctors will wait until the swelling or bleeding has reduced before they cut a patient open to treat the problem surgically.  In couple’s therapy, if the infidelity is so painful that one or both members of the relationship can’t hardly talk about it without risking (a) becoming verbally or emotionally abusive, (b) experiencing an overwhelming amount of sorrow, and/or (C) they are coping by abusing substances, then the toxicity level of addressing it in the presence of their partner is possibly exacerbating the pain instead of helping with healing.  In this case, individual therapy might be a better fit in effort to remove some of the toxins and make healing more manageable. This will often set the stage for couple’s therapy to be a successful in the very near future.

2. The cheating spouse is NOT ready to take ownership.

When working with couple’s who have experienced betrayal, it is crucial that the partner who has committed the act or acts of infidelity take ownership for their behavior.  This does not mean that the cheating partner take the blame for ALL the problems in the relationship, but it is key to own the betrayal.  Statements like “Yes, I cheated but we haven’t been a REAL couple for months” or “Yes, but I wasn’t happy at home so what was I supposed to do?” are NOT statements that reveal an understanding of the pain the betrayed partner feels at this moment in time.  While therapists know that remorse is not a prerequisite to ownership, being honest about what has happened and avoiding blame or excuses is key for a couple to be ready to make progress in couple’s therapy.

3. The cheating spouse is not emotionally equipped to assist in couple healing.

The trauma of infidelity creates wounds for both the acting out partner and the betrayed partner.  However, sometimes the cheating spouse is dealing with past traumas and those events have connection to the acts of betrayal.  This is NOT an excuse for their betrayal, but it is important and valid information for a treatment provider to have.  It is not uncommon for a trauma or mental health issue to block an individual’s ability to participate in couple’s therapy.  Similar to the example above, doctors prescribe physical therapy treatment after the wound has had some treatment.  In the case of mental health, addressing serious mental health issues before putting a client in with their partner is often more effective and productive.  It is important to note that the injured spouse/partner may not be willing to wait for the acting out spouse/partner to “get well” before addressing the wound of the relationship.  This is a possible consequence the cheating party will have to accept, but s/her isn’t doing her/his partner any favors by attempting to tend to the betrayal wound when s/he is far from equipped.

4. Someone is still keeping secrets.

Secret keeping is a big problem in treating couples in relational therapy.  Specifically, keeping secrets after a betrayal (potentially the infidelity was a big secret for a time) can be devastating.   Sometimes a couple will enter into treatment and the betrayed partner knows that they don’t know everything; therefore; an important part of the therapy and couple recovery is about how and when the information is shared (called “Disclosure”; read our blog on Therapeutic Disclosure).  However, if one or both members of the couple are keeping secrets from the therapist and partner then the relationship will not be able to heal cleanly.  When this happens, couples are not able to make expected progress and describe feeling “stuck” after some time.  The revelation of a secret “down the road” can often be too much for a relationship to handle due to the manipulation of keeping a secret.

5. Someone is feeling constrained due to the fear of violence or some form of retribution.

This “NOT” is pretty obvious.  Any member of a couple that anticipates pain and manipulation during or following a couple’s therapy session will not be able to honestly and in a vulnerable way reveal their issues.  One member will hold back to protect themselves (wisely so) and the couple will spin their wheels in the therapy room.  From a therapist’s perspective, our goal is for all our clients to feel safe in the therapy room.  We know that before humans can let their guard down, they must feel safe.  If one or both members know that they will have “hell to pay” for what is said or addressed in session, then a those clients will rarely reveal all and a therapist will not want to continue further if they fear they are not able to “First, do no harm.” Therefore, safety is key!

Although the information provided is about NOT receiving couple’s therapy, please know that couple’s therapy is a crucial part of healing after a betrayal.  When partners are ready, able and willing to work with a skilled relational therapist, the prognosis is good for couple healing.  But like anything, the timing and context of this treatment can be just as important as the treatment itself.

In closing, if you have experienced the trauma of infidelity, then I encourage to wait no longer and find a therapist that is skilled in working with individuals and couples who specialize in this issue.  As you are searching for a therapist, you may look for terms such as, “Affair Recovery,” “Betrayal Trauma,” “EMA (Extra-Marital Affair)” or even “Sex Addiction.” Below are some online directories that can help you in our search.  Blessings.

Directories:

Psychology Today | Good Therapy | Sex Help (for sex addiction counseling)

~Carrie Kyger~
Licensed Marital & Family Therapist
Certified Sex Addiction Therapist

Filed Under: Blog Tagged With: affair recovery, betrayal, betrayal trauma, chronic infidelity, couples therapy, ema, extra-marital affair, extramarital affair, infidelity, marriage counseling, my husband cheated, my spouse cheated, my wife cheated, save my marriage, secret keeping, secrets, sex addiction, sex addiction therapy, trauma

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FSC Upcoming Events

  1. Sex/Porn Addiction Recovery Course | 6 weeks | 6-8pm

    January 14, 2020 @ 6:00 pm - 8:00 pm
  2. Partners of Sex/Porn Addicts Course | 8 weeks | 5:30-6:30pm

    January 21, 2020 @ 5:30 pm
  3. Facing Trauma (for Men) | 8 Week Course | 6-8pm

    January 21, 2020 @ 6:00 pm - 8:00 pm
  4. Betrayal Trauma Couples Weekend | 3 Days | 18 hrs

    January 24, 2020 - January 26, 2020
  5. Betrayal Trauma Course (for Women) | 8 Weeks | 12noon-1pm

    January 31, 2020 @ 12:00 pm - 1:00 pm

View All Events


Click the graphic to see which FSC therapist made the list.

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Oklahoma City, OK 73120

Phone: (405) 242-5305
Fax: (405) 242-5345

Email: therapy@familysolutionsok.com

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