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Theraplay®: Changing the World One Playful Interaction at a Time | by Nancy Soliz

February 21, 2020

ID 87738431 © Konstantin Yuganov | Dreamstime.com

“If you want to change the world, go home and love your family.” – Mother Teresa

For the twelfth time this morning, I am telling my daughter to get her shoes on or we will be late for school. She fumbles again trying to find the right pair of shoes to complete her ensemble while scarfing down an EggoTM on the way out the door.   I have pleaded with her, I have bargained, and dare say I have raised my voice to get us in the car. My daughter has ignored me, refused my request, and shed a few tears before the seat belt was reluctantly clicked. On the drive to school, we are both feeling frustrated with our morning, and honestly with each other. These moments in parenting are not my favorite. Fortunately, these moments are not very frequent as I have found ways to help in nurturing our attachment and the importance of our connection throughout the day and our relationship.

What is Attachment and Why Is It So Important in Parenting?

Attachment can be both a simple and a complex topic to describe. In its simplest form, attachment is a feeling of being connected to someone or something else. We can have an attachment to our favorite restaurant, that perfect pair of jeans, or that one seat in the conference room that provides just the right amount of obstruction that prevents us from being called to share in staff meetings.   These attachments can help us feel a sense of safety and security, but attachment with objects or things does not provide the complexity that attachment with others does. An attachment to an object is a one-sided relationship. We don’t have to think much about what the other thing needs or wants to be adequately attached. The addition of another person adds complexity. This complexity grows exponentially in the caregiver-child attachment. Numerous studies show that the parent-child bond is more than a parent just providing for a child’s basic needs. (See Harlow’s Monkeys or studies on orphanages where babies receive little to no physical contact.)   This need for authentic connection to our children is biological, and needed for our survival.

To have a secure attachment, many things are happening in our brains. When thinking about the infant-parent relationship, let’s consider an interaction of a feeding as attachment building. As a parent, we may notice our child getting upset and showing signs of hunger by turning their head and trying to suck on their hand. When this happens, we pick up the baby and meet that need. During the feeding, we interact with the baby by giving knowing smiles, eye contact, and praise for their uniqueness. This interaction over and over again builds regulation. Regulation is the ability for a child to gain control over their body and emotional state. Infants and children rely on a caregiver to help in building a regulation process. This process is called co-regulation. As with my interaction with my daughter, my inability in the moment to regulate my body cause her to become further dysregulated. This is because children rely heavily on adults in their lives to co-regulate with them.

As parents, it is most helpful to be able to attune to our children in order to help with co-regulation. In the example of the infant-parent feeding, attunement is when the parent started to see the cues from the infant before they started crying to meet the need. For some parents, both co-regulation and attunement can be fairly simple to achieve most of the time. Maybe as a child, you had a consistent and caring caregiver that provided a secure attachment, and were given the blueprints on how to attach to your child in a very natural way. For other parents, you may have had a rocky start in your own relationship with your parents and are trying to do things differently with your own children.   Perhaps as a parent you experienced a secure attachment, but things went awry somewhere in your relationship with your child. Maybe the child is adopted, has a different temperament or behaviors, or even a trauma has strained this ability to connect. For those people, Theraplay® may be a treatment model to consider in helping your child with regulation and nurturing a loving parent-child attachment.

What Makes Theraplay® Work on Attachment and Behaviors?

Theraplay® is included on the U.S. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) as an evidenced-based practice. In lay terms, this means that a lot of research has been done to show that the model is effective. The model is considered a dyadic model in which both the caregiver and child are actively involved. After an initial assessment with the parent and child, the parent and Theraplay® practitioner meet to discuss the relational interactions of the assessment. Both the assessment and treatment are focused on four key dimensions of a parent-child relationship:

  • Structure – The ability for the child to feel safe with the adult in the lead and the child to follow the adult’s direction. The parent is also confident in their role as a leader and is able to relay clear expectations to the child.
  • Engagement – The ability to be fully present with the other. When fully engaged, the parent is attuned to the child’s needs.
  • Nurture – The ability for the parent to provide physical touch, safety, and care to the child and for the child to receive affection and care.
  • Challenge – The ability for the parent to challenge their child in an age-appropriate way, while the child is able to feel confident in trying to rise to the challenge whether or not they can meet their goal.

As you can see, all dimensions have an ‘if then, then that’ aspect of a relationship. All sessions are recorded so that parents can meet with the clinician to view nuances of the attachment relationship that can be modified in session and beyond. Throughout the parent sessions, regulation and dysregulation are topics in which the parent and practitioner discuss how their individual child achieves optimal regulation to help with any behavioral problems that may be occurring at home or school. When the child feels comfortable and secure in their relationship with their parent while the parent also feels confident and connected with their child, lasting change can occur.

Tonight, when I get the chance to see my daughter after work, I will work on repairing our relationship. We both need time to reconnect and attune with each other after a difficult morning. I want to take care of her and help her feel nurtured and safe. I also need to take that time for myself as well. As I look back now, I realize I needed to work on regulating myself in that moment so that she can co-regulate with me. As a parent, it is my job to care for myself and create time for self-reflection, finding a space where I can feel nurtured, safe, and optimally regulated. This parenting journey isn’t always easy, but it is so incredibly worth it.   One of my favorite quotes on the importance of this journey was spoken by Mother Teresa, “If you want to change the world, go home and love your family.” We can change the world through parenting, and if you want assistance on the journey, I would encourage you to find a qualified Theraplay® practitioner in your area.

~ Nancy Soliz ~
Licensed Marital & Family Therapist
Registered Play Therapist-Supervisor
Certified Theraplay® Practioner

Filed Under: Blog Tagged With: family solutions counseling, family therapy, is theraplay right for me, mandala play therapy solutions, nancy soliz, parenting, parenting expert, play therapy, registered play therapist, theraplay, what is theraplay

RecoveryTV LIVE | Children in Recovery | Guest: Nancy Soliz, LMFT, RPT

April 26, 2019

GO TO THE EVENT

Most of us have heard of the concept of “recovery.”  However, we likely think of it as something that adults are involved in.  We generally don’t think of children going through a recovery process.  In this episode, family therapist and registered play therapist, Nancy Soliz, joins us to discuss the recovery process for children who are impacted by trauma and addiction.  We hope you will join us for this LIVE discussion.

About our Guest: NANCY SOLIZ, LMFT, RPT

Nancy is a graduate of Kansas State University with a Master’s degree in Family Studies and Human Services after receiving her Bachelor of Science from Oklahoma State University in Family Relations and Child Development.  Nancy is a Registered Play Therapist-Supervisor and co-owner of the Oklahoma Play Therapy Training Institute.  Nancy has also served as president for the Oklahoma Association for Play Therapy.  As a result of her interest in trauma and attachment issues, Nancy worked as the Director of Social Services at The Bair Foundation in Oklahoma City as well as with military families in Ft. Riley, Kansas. Nancy has completed the training for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) as well as the beginning training in Dyadic Development Psychotherapy (DDP) and Theraplay.  Nancy is currently in private practice at Family Solutions.  Nancy lives with her husband and children in Oklahoma City and enjoys her work furthering the practice of play therapy with families and children.

 

Tagged With: addiction, childhood trauma, children in recovery, counseling for children, family therapy, nancy soliz, play therapist, play therapy, recovery, registered play therapist, trauma

To Divorce, or NOT to Divorce? That Is the Question.

January 18, 2018

Have you ever struggled with a big decision? I’m not talking about trying to decide between chicken or beef enchiladas. I mean BIG, difficult, life-altering decisions. All of us have walked up to a fork in the road and had to decide between going one way or the other. I love Yogi Berra’s perspective: “When you come to a fork in the road, take it”. Unfortunately, big decisions are a little more complex. Often, it’s a choice between two very good options. But sometimes it’s more like a ‘caught between a rock and a hard place‘ type of scenario. There’s plenty of books out there that talk about how to make a good decision in difficult situations. But I want to focus on one particular situation that I believe is one of the most difficult – DIVORCE.

~Divorce is a decision; and one that deserves a lot of honest, sober-minded consideration by those involved~

This experience is inherently a very emotional thing. As a marriage & family therapist that specializes in helping couples who are looking at divorce, I do my best to try to help them see through the emotions of the situation and see the factors at play in their decision-making process. It reminds me of a situation my wife and I found ourselves in several years ago.

~ Keep it or scrap it? ~

It was winter, 2008 and my wife and I were driving back to Oklahoma City from my parents’ house in Missouri. We had just celebrated Christmas with my family. We had our baby daughter in the back seat, and a trunk full of presents. We were about halfway through our 4 hour trip home, and we were right in the middle of Tulsa, Oklahoma, when it happened. I noticed the “Check Engine” light come on. I didn’t think too much of it at the moment, because it had done that before, and it had always not been a big deal. But about 10 seconds later, that peace disappeared when the “Oil Pressure” light came on and we smelled smoke. Then our beloved car went completely dead, leaving us coasting down I-44 in the middle of the night. I made it to the shoulder of the highway where we did damage control. Long story short, we were able to get help from my younger brother and his wife, who were about an hour ahead of us. They drove us the rest of the way home and we had the car towed to a local repair shop, until we could decide what we wanted to do.

In the day or two that followed, we had a decision to make:

  • Option 1: We figure out what went wrong and decide if it can be fixed.
  • Option 2: We sell the car for $500 to a scrap yard and go into debt for a new one.

Keep it, or scrap it. Two simple options, but many different factors involved in that decision.  What went wrong? Is there too much damage to repair? Is the car worth it? Do we have enough money to fix it? Do we want to go into debt to get a new(er) car? These are just the logistic aspects of the decision. Then, there are the emotional aspects of it: Did I ever really like that car? Can I ever feel like I trust that car after this incident? These questions are but a few of the many factors involved in decisions like this.

Before pulling the trigger on a relatively big decision like that, we had some questions to get answered first. After doing some research and making a bunch of phone calls, we decided that even though it would be more FUN to just scrap the thing and go get a newer car, we should probably fix the Honda (we had found out that it was fixable), and drive it a few more years while we save our money for something newer. And that’s what we did.

~Take a second look: IMPORTANT questions to consider~

Now, let’s take another look at the questions we were forced to ask in our car situation. They’re the same basic questions that a couple asks when looking at divorce.

  • What went wrong?
  • Is there too much damage to repair?
  • Is this marriage worth it?
  • Did I ever really love this person?
  • Can I ever trust this person after what has happened?

The basic questions are these: Is it fixable? And if it is, do I even want to fix it? These are not questions to be taken lightly, and I make it my mission to help people look at all these questions honestly before deciding on which path to take.

~Discernment Counseling may be what you are looking for~

If you or someone you know has gotten to the point of considering divorce, I encourage you (or them) to take this fork in the road VERY seriously.  Don’t make a knee-jerk decision.  Seek out a professional to help you work through all the questions and emotion you are experiencing.  Through a process called Discernment Counseling, we ask those important questions, and give each partner the space needed to give honest and authentic answers. This is what I truly love to do! So, feel free to contact me if you’re interested or have questions on this process.  I’d be happy to help, or, at minimum, point you in a direction where you can receive the help and resources you are looking for as you take this journey.

ARTICLE WRITTEN BY:

~Matt Stevenson~
Licensed Marital & Family Therapist
Certified Discernment Counselor

[social_warfare]

 

Filed Under: Blog Tagged With: decisions, discernment counseling, divorce, divorce counseling, family therapy, fork in the road, marriage, marriage counseling, matt stevenson, rock and hard place, tough decisions

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