Family Solutions Counseling

Guiding Lives Toward New Destinations

Contact Us Today

(405) 242-5305

  • Home
  • FSC Owners
    • Carrie Kyger
    • Joshua Nichols
    • Rebel Buersmeyer
  • Therapists
    • Rebel Buersmeyer
    • Carrie Kyger
    • Mary Scruggs
    • Joshua Nichols
    • Julie Perna
    • Nancy Soliz
    • Derek Thomason
    • Victoria James
    • Coleman Lemmons, Jr.
    • Mindy Rhoades
  • Services
    • Online Therapy (Telehealth)
    • Individual Counseling
    • Couples Counseling
    • Family Counseling
    • Child & Adolescent Counseling
    • Sexual Addiction & Compulsions
    • Intimacy & Sex Therapy
    • Drug & Alcohol
    • Eating Disorders
    • Nutrition & Weight Loss
    • Pain Mgmt/Chronic Pain
    • Infertility Issues
    • Therapy Groups at FSC
  • Blog
  • Events
  • Recovery Solutions
    • About Recovery Solutions Program
    • Sex Addiction & Trauma Assessments
    • Therapeutic Disclosure
    • Betrayal Trauma Couples Weekend
    • RECOVERY COURSES for Sex/Porn Addiction and Betrayal Trauma
    • Eating Disorder Recovery Group | by Dietitian on a Mission, LLC

A Pandemic Holiday: It Is What It Is | Mary E.M. Scruggs

December 9, 2020

The holiday season is upon us; and with everything going on these days (i.e., global pandemic), I often find myself asking a lot of questions. I’m fairly certain given the state of our world, that I’m not the only one engaging in this type of internal dialogue.  There seems to be an ever present cloud that hangs directly overhead. Will it ever dissipate? I really don’t know; but, what I do know is that this lingering cloud makes it difficult not to ask “Why now?” when other difficult or bad things happen. Unfortunately, other “bad things” don’t really care that we are suffering from a global pandemic. They aren’t really concerned about adding insult to injury. Even though I know this to be true, when other bad things happen, I still find myself appealing to the heavens with outstretched arms shouting, “Why now?!” Okay, that may be a bit extreme; but, I definitely give the occasional why-now-eye-roll often followed with an audible “ugh!”

Managing the Dark Cloud

It’s obvious to most of that we can’t force the cloud to go away.  You know that eventually it has to move, but right now you can’t do anything about it.  There’s no controlling the cloud.  You can’t control how  others feel about the cloud, much less all the other difficult circumstances coming your way.

What can I do about it?

What can I control today? 

How do these circumstances reflect on me? 

Do they even reflect on me at all?

These are the questions I find myself asking on a daily basis as part of my internal dialogue.

It Is What It Is

I particularly like this expression. I find it oddly comforting.  It reminds me that any given situation can’t be anything other than what it is; thus, despite whether or not I had control over it in the past, I can only make changes moving forward.

I have also found myself struggling with toxic positivity.  During recent stressful and challenging situations,  I have found myself pondering a lot of thoughts focused on what I should be doing instead.

I should be more grateful.

I should look at the bright side.

I should be more positive about what is happening.

I should stop saying “it is what it is.”

I don’t know about you, but this makes the stress even worse! Now I am not only stressing about what I was (the past), I’m also stressing about how I should be (the future).  Allowing my thoughts to aimlessly drift into the past or future during stressful moments or situations unfortunately doesn’t alleviate the stress I’m feeling.  If anything, it adds to it.

As I confide in those around me, I hope to be validated and understood. A simple whisper or nod that communicates “I hear you” would suffice just fine.  Unfortunately, more often than I care to admit, I hear those exact same invalidating and dismissive statements I have often said to myself:

“You should be grateful for what you have.”

“Well on the bright side you have time to…..”

“Everything happens for a reason.”

It Still Sucks.

I am truly grateful for what I have. I am completely aware that there is a light at the end of the tunnel (or cloud should I say). I’m smart enough to know that we can learn something from this – but it still sucks!

  • Please let me share my experience with you without fearing that you will tell me I should know better.
  • Please recognize that I put my Christmas tree up two months early, because it makes me a little happier.
  • Please know that I understand that society is lacking in a lot of ways, but right now I can only control my situation.
  • Please allow me to hurt.
  • Please allow me to feel good.

Wait, scratch that, now we need to get into boundaries and assertive communication.  Read each sentence above again without the word “Please”.

That seems a little more to the point, doesn’t it?

This message basically says, “Look! I’m feeling like crap; and I just want to tell someone without fear of judgment or being dismissed.”

The reality is that 2020 has been a hard year.  Not just for you or for me, but for everyone in the world in one way or another.  I respect and encourage positive thoughts in addition to active listening.  But, try hard to avoid sharing toxic positivity. Instead try asking yourself, “What does this person need from me right now, in this very moment?” Be careful not to do this at the expense of yourself.  Sometimes you will be the one that needs to be validated and understood

One Final Tip

You can control what you say and how you say it.  Just taking out the word “please” makes a huge difference so how can you be more mindful in what you’re saying and how you’re saying it?  The holidays are a good time to practice this, but PLEASE be patient with yourself and others.

Mary E.M. Scruggs is a marriage and family counselor in private practice at Family Solutions Counseling located in the Oklahoma City metro area. 

Filed Under: Blog Tagged With: emotions management, family solutions counseling, feelings management, friendships, holiday sanity, holiday tips, It is what it is, mary scruggs, relationships, selfcare, surviving the holidays, understanding, validation

RecoveryTV LIVE: Is TECH the DEVIL? | Special Guest: Rob Weiss

October 26, 2018

GO TO THE EVENT

Technology has taken our world by storm; and as a result, many people have lots of fears concerning this ever growing and ever changing phenomenon.  Well, hold on to your hats, because we are thrilled to have digital-age intimacy and relationship expert, Rob Weiss, join us on RecoveryTV LIVE. Rob is the author of several books, but in this episode we are going to spend our time discussing content from two specific books he co-authored – (1) Closer Together Further Apart: The Effects of the Internet and Technology on Parenting, Work, and Relationships, and (2) Always Turned On: Sex Addiction in the Digital Age.  Please join us ONLINE for this LIVE discussion.  Bring your curiosity hats and feel free to ask questions.

About Our Guest: Rob Weiss

Internationally acknowledged clinician. If it seems like his name sounds familiar, well, you may have heard or seen Rob Weiss on television as he has appeared on multiple media outlets, including CNN, MSNBC, Fox, The Oprah Winfrey Network, NPR, and more.  Additionally, he regularly writes for the Huffington Post, Psychology Today, and Psych Central.

Published author. Rob is the author and co-author of many books, including his latest book – Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency. You can find all of his books, including the two books mentioned above, by clicking here.

Podcast host. Rob is the host of a podcast called Sex, Love, and Addiction 101, where he and his guests discuss and process this complicated component of human and relational functioning known as sex and sexuality.   Please tune in, and if you find them helpful, he’d appreciate you adding a review (even if it is just number of stars).

Websites. Rob’s new website, www.sexandrelationshiphealing.com has just launched and will continue to add content so would invite you to view but return regularly also. He also has a Q&A session at www.intherooms.com at 6 pm. Pacific time on Friday nights.

GO TO THE EVENT

Tagged With: #recoverymatters, #recoverytv, addiction, addiction recovery, always turned on, carrie kyger, closer together further apart, codependency, CSAT, digital immigrants, digital natives, joshua nichols, love addiction, mental healthy, parenting, porn addiction, prodependence, relationships, rob weiss, sex addiction, sex addiction in the digital age, technologyLeave a Comment

The Art of APOLOGY: 5 Tips You Need to Know

January 22, 2018

All of us have uttered the word “sorry” many, many time in our lives.    Some people say it so often that it is as much a part of their vocabulary as “hello” and “good-bye.”  Some people cringe so strongly when they say it that it seems like “sorry” actually has a bad taste.    Neither of these descriptions exude an authentic, meaningful apology. [Scroll down for VIDEO]

Merriam-Webster defines apology as “an admission of error or discourtesy accompanied by an expression of regret.” 

This definition is clear in what the word means, but actually giving a good apology can feel elusive, or like a talent that many struggle to achieve.  I would like to help you change that by sharing with you five concepts that can help you create and deliver a quality apology and meaningful exchange with another.

1. SINCERITY

This is the most important of all the concepts because truth and authenticity is key in order to offer true amends to someone as well as creating a change in interpersonal healing. We have all probably had an experience when someone utter the word “sorry” and it felt like a bold face lie.  This neither draw anyone closer nor released someone from feeling bad about hurting another.  Basically, this is a waste of an experience.  Instead, take time to evaluate, think, reflect and perhaps study how someone felt wronged, even if it is not how YOU would think or feel.  Then once you have been able to make this connection, identify honest words that truly reflect how you feel.

2. OWNERSHIP

When preparing to give your apology, be mindful of how you may be explaining away the wrong actions. People often will say things like “I am sorry, but I was really stressed that day; and I didn’t even think about how important it was to be on time.”  This kind of statement does not make the other feel like their feelings matter; adding context may be important down the road, but at the stage of offering an acknowledgment of transgression, the “why” doesn’t matter as much.

3. SOFTENING

This word is just as you might imagine. It means presenting yourself in a soft, open and somewhat reverent manner.  Especially in intimate relationships, most of the communication between people is non-verbal.  This means that even if your words are perfectly crafted, it is your tone, body position and eye contact that will really send the messages.  Sitting down next to or across from the other person, alternating between looking them in their eyes and looking down, and being able to show emotion through tears, a soft voice or gentle affection is the most effective way to communicate “I get that I wronged you and I care about you.”

4. INTENTIONALITY

This is the part of the puzzle that can get many people stuck. This is addressing the when, where, and how you will apologize.  Timeliness of an apology is important; often times we want to apologize right away so that the other person can see that we are on top of things.  However, for deeper and more complex issues, like betrayal or secret keeping, scheduling or inviting another to hear your apology sends the message that you respect their time and feelings [WHEN].  In addition, location matters as you want to acknowledge privacy as well as a place where you can manage distractions and be able to reveal yourself in the “soft “manner described above [WHERE].  Finally, how or what method is VERY important especially when the apology is going to an important person.  Text, email or voicemails may work for minor infractions, but face to face is the most vulnerable method that offers the most opportunity for resolution and connection [HOW].

5. EXPECTATIONS

In a perfect world, saying “sorry” would be enough for people to wipe the slate clean and move on with no hesitation. However, many times an apology may not be met with forgiveness or acceptance.  Instead, especially in difficult situations, it may be met with resistance.  If one can create an apology that is sincere, thoughtful, mindful, and vulnerable then that is success.  The reaction to it is the wild card.  Instead, focus on doing your part and identifying how crafting and sharing this apology is representative of personal growth and that the other person’s reaction is theirs to have and you must respect and accept it as true.  Finally, many times apologies must be delivered in higher doses.  Saying “I’m sorry” may be a statement someone needs to hear and experience many times to begin to see the other as genuine and repentant.

~a final message~

The art of the apology is often like actual art in that its quality is in the eye of the beholder.  However, creating and giving an apology has the opportunity for one to experience transformation and connection regardless of how another takes it.

You may be reading this simply for personal and/or interpersonal growth, but you may also be reading this because you’re relationship with someone you care about has been wounded; thus, an apology is needed for healing and reconciliation.  If this is you, you should be proud of yourself for having the maturity and courage to further investigate on delivering a proper apology.  However, if the offended party is suffering from a deeper wound that stems from events like betrayal, infidelity, abuse, addiction, etc., then I encourage you to consider working with a professional relationship counselor to better assist you (and your loved one) on how to proceed with healing.  Keep on pressing forward.

ARTICLE WRITTEN BY:

~Carrie Kyger~
Licensed Marital & Family Therapist
Certified Sex Addiction Therapist

 

[social_warfare]

Filed Under: Blog Tagged With: abuse, addiction, affair recovery, apology, art of apology, betrayal, broken heart, carrie kyger, couples, couples counseling, infidelity, marriage, marriage help, relationships, secrets, softening, sorry, trauma

FSC Upcoming Events

Feb 26
12:30 pm - 1:30 pm

Sex/Porn Addiction Online Recovery Course BEGINS | 6 weeks | 12:30-1:30 pm CST

Mar 2
5:30 pm - 6:45 pm

Sex/Porn Addiction Men’s Group BEGINS | 12 weeks | Online

Mar 5
12:00 pm - 1:00 pm

Betrayal Trauma Online Course Begins | 6 Weeks | 12-1 pm CST

Aug 13
9:00 am - 12:00 pm

Friday the 13th Ethics: Online Integrity | Zoom Event | 3 CEUS

View more

Contact Us

10400 N. Vineyard Blvd., Suite A
Oklahoma City, OK 73120

Phone: (405) 242-5305
Fax: (405) 242-5345

Email: therapy@familysolutionsok.com

Location

Sign up for our Newsletter!

Get interesting news and updates delivered to your inbox. Follow the link below and sign up today!

Sign Up Now
For Email Marketing you can trust.
  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Twitter

Our Policy

It is the policy of Family Solutions to treat all clients and not to discriminate with regard to race, color, religion, national origin, age, sex, sexual orientation, gender identity or expression, or disability.

Family Solutions Counseling Copyright © 2021 · Designed By Right Eye Digital · Log in