Family Solutions Counseling

Guiding Lives Toward New Destinations

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Sex/Porn Addiction Online Recovery Course BEGINS | 6 weeks | 12-1 pm CST

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This is a psycho-educational course designed for individuals in recovery for sexually compulsive behavior, which includes sex/porn addiction. If you are in recovery and you want to better understand your compulsive behavior, then this is the course for you.  In this 6 week course, you’ll come learn that:

  1. Your addiction is a brain problem and not a heart problem.  In other words, you’re not defective at your core!  The brain has something called “neuroplasticity” which basically means that the human brain can change at any stage of development.  This is good news!  The work you are doing in recovery is often the kind of work needed to help your brain rewire.  We hope you make this course  part of your rewiring process.
  2. There are patterns to your compulsive processes.  The great things about patterns is that you can change them.  The brain likes to get locked into certain patterns for the sake of survival. Once you understand your patterns, you’ll be more equipped to interrupt them.
  3. Your sexuality is something to be embraced, not feared.  It is not uncommon for someone in your shoes to have developed a sour taste in their mouths for their own sexuality. This isn’t because you’re defective.  This happens because you have utilized your sexuality in ways it wasn’t intended to be used. At one point in time, this may have helped you; but, in your adult life, it has been harmful to your and/or others.   This course will help you see there is light at the end of the sexual shame tunnel….and it is there for you to enjoy!

Who Is Teaching the Course?

This course will be lead by, licensed therapist and a certified sex addiction therapist, Joshua Nichols.

What Materials Will Be Utilized?

Mr. Nichols will be utilizing the teaching aid, Facing the Shadows, which you will need to purchase prior to start of the course.

How Many Can Participate?

This group is limited to 10 participants.  Given that this course is discussion format and only an hour long, keeping it smaller allows for better overall experience.

What Platform Will Be Used for Video Conferencing?

Zoom will be the video conference platform of choice.  Prior to each individual class, you will be emailed a link to join in the discussion.  This class will be discussion format; however, level of participation is completely up to you. You will have the option of whether or not you wish to turn your video and/or audio on.  If you are NOT the “participating type” and would prefer a lecture, then please contact us for other options as spaces are limited.

What Can I Do to Prepare?

A small portion of our first meeting will be dedicated to introductions, course overview, and general questions.  In effort to maximize the time dedicated to content, all participants are highly encouraged to have worked through chapter 1 of the Facing the Shadows workbook. This is NOT mandatory given that some books may not have arrived or you simply have not had enough time since the arrival of your book and the start of group.

How Much Does It Cost?

The full cost of this course is $195.00.  This is our first time offer this course ONLINE, which is a response to the COVID-19 pandemic.  If you attend all 6 classes, this average out to $30.00 per class, which is a 50% discount of our regular Breaking Ground course.

Is This Considered “Group Therapy?”

No, this course is psycho-educational ONLY!  Since this is NOT a therapy group, you will NOT be considered an active client of Family Solutions Counseling.

How Do I Sign Up?

Click here to register for these course.

 

Managing Your Superpower [Part 2]: What Recovering Sex Addicts Can Learn from Mister Rogers

I don’t know about you, but I am fascinated by Fred Rogers! Something you may or may not find odd about my fascination is that until recently I only knew of Mister Rogers by name; I had never even seen a single episode of the classic children’s program Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood. If you’re curious as to how a middle-aged therapist from the plains of Oklahoma all of a sudden became mesmerized by the man known as Mister Rogers, then I would encourage you to read part one of this two-part series – What Mister Rogers Has in Common with Sex Addicts.

As outlined in the aforementioned article, I am convinced that Fred Rogers was an empath, which, in my opinion, means that he encompassed a superpower that left to its own devices, could be very hard to manage from day-to-day.  You may think that the superpower I speak of is empathy, which may be defined as “the ability to imagine oneself in the condition of another…”. While this is true, empaths experience empathy much differently than most people from my experience. It seems to me that most people have to be very intentional with their empathy.  It’s often a skill set that grows and develops over time in humans, but it is never mastered.  Empaths seem to come by empathy naturally; but not the type of empathy as defined above.  Empaths experience empathy with more intensity and regularity. The Collins English Dictionary defines it best – the power of understanding and imaginatively entering into another’s feelings. For empaths like Fred Rogers, this is not just something they have to do from time to time as a healthy social and relational skill, it’s a way of life; and without proper management, it can be quite overwhelming. [check out Judith Orloff’s “Top 10 Traits of an Empath”]

As I established in part one, I believe that many people battling sex addiction share something in common with Mister Rogers – they, too, are empaths.  A major difference between Mister Rogers and sex addicts, is that Fred Rogers somehow figured out how to manage this superpower in a way that may have been considered odd by some, but effective nonetheless.  It is not uncommon for sex addicts to feel overwhelmed by their feelings, so in response they become exceptionally skilled at compartmentalizing.  They are so good at this that addicts and their partners are often resistant to the idea that sex addicts feel too much, because it often appears they feel too little if anything at all.  While it is true that not all sex addicts are empaths and the ones that are have to work diligently to reconnect with their empathic selves, feeling “too little” simply doesn’t fit from my experience in treating sex addicts.  Sex addicts often feel the suffering of the world around them.  Thus, when they do reconnect with their superpower, they need to learn to properly manage it.

What better person to learn how to manage this superpower than Fred Rogers?  If you really think about it, his program –  Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood – was all about teaching children and adults how to manage feelings. Here are a few lessons that sex addicts can learn from Mister Rogers on their journey to reconnect with their inner-empath and manage the superpower that lies therein.

“Do you know what the most important thing in the world is to me right now?  Talking on the telephone to Lloyd Vogel.”

Mister Rogers was fully present. In the 2019 major motion picture, It’s a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood, Mister Rogers (portrayed by Tom Hanks) uttered those words during a telephone conversation with a journalist that had developed a reputation for being cynical and non-empathetic. They were barely into their conversation when Fred Rogers already had this jaded writer disarmed. But how? “What was his trick?“you might ask.  Well, there could be many reasons, but I believe it was a combination of Mister Rogers’ authenticity and presence.

Have you ever thought how important it is to us be seen?  Can you remember the last time you really felt seen and heard by another person?  Fred Rogers seemed to be the type of person that gave his complete undivided attention when engaging with any one individual or group.  I imagine he was the type of person that would have made you feel like you were the only two people in the world during the moments you spent with him. In doing so, he gave people a voice.  You likely have heard the classic George Berkeley quote that goes “If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?” Well, let me ask it a different way, “If you are speaking your voice and no one is around to listen, did YOU make a sound?”  The obvious answer is “of course I made a sound because I would have heard myself speak.”  But, “making a sound” and “feeling heard” are two different things.  Fred Rogers was present in such a way that not only did people feel heard, they believed that they mattered to him.

Sex addicts are usually ill-equipped at this skill.  This makes sense given that they often manage their feelings by means of escape.  For most sex addicts, reality often hasn’t been very kind to them; thus, they use distance strategies as a way of survival.  Learning to be present in their full authentic selves completely goes against their natural instinct for survival.  Mister Rogers demonstrated throughout his life and his work the power of an authentic presence.  He shows us what it looks like to disarm and offer healing to another through the use of love and gentleness as opposed to force and violence.  The challenge posed by his method implies that only the unarmed can effectively disarm. This sets the context for healing.  Think of it this way. The lifeblood of a healthy relationship is vulnerability. Healing is found in vulnerability; and vulnerability begets more vulnerability.

“What about you, Tom? Did you have any special friends growing up?”

Mister Rogers made healthy use of his imagination. The above quote comes from a 1998 article in Esquire magazine authored by journalist, Tom Junod, called “Can You Say…Hero?”  This is the publication in which the recent feature film was based.  In the article, Fred Rogers is asking Tom Junod to tell him about his most special imaginary friend.  Mr. Junod proceeds to dialogue with Mr. Rogers about Old Rabbit. After reading this, I remember thinking about how awkward it must have been for Mr. Junod, a grown man, to be asked in a very sincere way about his childhood imaginary friend by another grown man.  It seemed strange, yet endearing.

How strange is it really? Can you imagine living in this world without the use of imagination? Books, television, movies, the entire entertainment industry, which is highly valued in our culture, is dependent on fantasy and the use of our imagination.  Think about the last book you got lost in, or the last movie that had you on the edge of your seat, or that one play that made you cry.  When we engage in such experiences, we know what we are seeing isn’t real, but it doesn’t feel that way.  To our hearts, it feels very real – not all that different from an imaginary friend.  Mister Rogers could have easily asked Mr. Junod about his favorite character in Lord of the Rings, or his feelings about what happened in chapter 27 of the Half-Blood Prince (….Harry Potter fans know what I’m talking about!!).  But he didn’t.  He wanted to know about something much more personal to Mr. Junod.  He wanted to know more about Old Rabbit.

As part of my fascination with Mister Rogers, I listened to a fantastic podcast about his life called Finding Fred. In this iHeartRadio production, I learned why puppets and imaginary friends were so important to Mister Rogers. In a nutshell, for various reasons, a young Fred Rogers found it difficult to make friends among his peers.  How lonely it must be for a child to go through life with no friends. Children are great survivors; and young Fred was no different.  Since he couldn’t make friends, he literally MADE his friends.  In fact, a couple of the characters you may have enjoyed from watching Mister Roger’s Neighborhood were actually young Fred’s childhood buddies. One of the most loveable of young Fred’s childhood comrades goes by the name of Daniel Tiger.

Sex addicts also use their imagination as a means for survival.  Famous basketball player, Shaquille O’Neal, in his autobiography appropriately named Shaq Uncut, discusses abusive treatment he experienced as a child. He also talks about how he would get lost in his imagination visualizing himself as someone important.  He even recalled a time in college when he would drive down the street pretending to talk on a fake car phone so other drivers would see how important he must be.

Utilizing the imagination as an effective tool for coping with trauma is simply a short-term solution constructed by your brain’s instinctual desire to keep you alive.  Unlike Fred Rogers and Shaquille O’Neal, sex addicts don’t stop with their imagination, they also utilize secrecy and shame as part of their formula for survival.  Shaq’s imagination helped him escape some very difficult realities he had endured in his childhood and young adulthood; but he ultimately utilized his imagination to help him advance to the NBA and will likely be known as the most powerful center to ever play the game.  Young Fred Rogers used his imagination to create for himself much needed friends.  His imagination and his make-believe friends led him to create a popular children’s program that spanned five decades where he impacted millions of children and families.

Mister Rogers and other icons, like Shaquille O’Neal, serve as great examples for sex addicts on how to use their imagination, as unorthodox as it may seem, in ways that spotlights identity, drives productivity, and encourages prosperity.  As a sex addiction therapist, I will never fault or shame my clients for using their imagination for reasons of survival.  I hope to teach them to not be afraid of their imagination, but to use it in a functional shame-free way that offers an avenue for effective coping strategies and the pursuit of dreams.

“There is no person in the whole world like you; and I like you just the way you are.”

Mister Rogers saw the world through the lens of compassion.  The above quote is quite profound, is it not? To think that there are seven billion people on this planet and there is only ONE like me? That’s almost as special as it gets! My mind can’t even fathom it.  The part that gets me the most about this quote is the second half – “…and I like you just the way you are.”  How many of us can honestly say that about every person we meet?

I believe Fred Rogers was sincere in this statement; but, allow me to address what I think he is saying and what he is not saying.  First of all, I don’t think Mister Rogers is saying that he can be friends with just anyone; but instead, he is saying that he can be friend-LY to just about everyone. Secondly, Mister Rogers isn’t saying that he never gets irritated or annoyed by people or that he doesn’t irritate or annoy other people. He is saying, however, that the experience of being the agitatOR or the agitatEE is okay because it is part of what makes us human.  Lastly, Mister Rogers isn’t suggesting that we avoid making changes in our lives in effort to make way for a healthier, happier existence; however, he is saying that who we are at our core is good…..so why wouldn’t anyone like that?

As a mastered, functional empath, Fred Rogers seemed to be exceptional at seeing past the bullshit and into the goodness of each and every individual he encountered.  If he were to encounter a sex addict, I have no doubt he’d use his x-ray vision to see through the armor of shame and deceit; he’d utilize his hulk-like strength to smash the barriers of denial; he’d use his sword of love to penetrate the heart to bring about life and healing; and he’d use his lasso of truth to reveal to you, the sex addict, who you really are – a good and valuable soul that is worth the trouble of saving.

“Feeling good about ourselves is essential in our being able to love others.”

Mister Rogers was an advocate for self-care.  There is so much that can be learned from Mister Rogers when it comes to taking care of ourselves.  I’d venture to say that most people, including Fred Rogers, would agree that self-care, although necessary, is not a task easily mastered.  Here are a few lessons we can learn from the master himself.

  • Rituals. Developing a healthy ritual that is performed routinely is good for us.  On Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood, every show begins with him entering the door, exchanging his coat for a sweater, then moving to the couch to change his shoes.  When we have rituals like these, it helps our brains transition from one state of existence to another.  Maybe Mister Rogers just came home from a hard day’s work and his clothing ritual helped his brain shift from work-mode to family-mode.
  • Mantras. I am a big fan of mantras.  I, myself, find that I repeat a lot of the same things over and over again in my personal life.  In my professional life, I like to share my mantras with my clients in effort to give them the words to help drive them forward.  Mister Rogers also seemed to find value in mantras. “Won’t you be my neighbor” is a mantra that even I knew; and I never even watched his show as a kid.  Mantras are good for us because they help us remember what is true and what is false, what is good and what is not-so good.  Mantras help us to quiet the noise around us and focus on our purpose in life or even the task at hand.
  • Exercise. According the 2018 documentary “Won’t You Be My Neighbor?” and the 2019 major motion picture, “It’s a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood,” Fred Rogers swam a mile every morning.  I think Fred Rogers knew he had a lot to offer the world and he had a responsibility to share it.  Being responsible with the vessel he occupied – his body – was important to him; and taking care of it was the first thing he did on any given day before he did anything else.  In other words, Fred Rogers loved others enough to love himself first.

There are so many other things we could talk about that would serve as evidence that Fred Rogers was an advocate for self-care.  These were just a few that stood out to me.

Self-care is another challenge for sex addicts.  Usually in the beginning stages of the development of addiction, the addict uses their drug of choice for enjoyment or even to “take the edge off.”  They discover that the drug works so well, they start using it routinely and ultimately become dependent on it. As this happens, shame enters stage left and becomes the lead character in this story.  Sex addicts usually feel an immense amount of shame.  Over the course of treatment, they often learn that that shame has deep roots, but on the surface it appears they are riddled with shame simply and solely because of the nature of their addiction.  This, in turn, leads them to feel like they are undeserving of anything good.

I think Fred Rogers understood something about love that a lot of people don’t – the best way to love another is to love yourself first. Although sex addicts have a hard time loving themselves, I believe them when they tell me how much they love the people that surround them – their spouses, children, parents, siblings, etc. – and they are tired of hurting them. My job then becomes and effort to try to help them see that the best way they can love the people around them is to learn to love themselves.  In fact, if Fred Rogers were alive today and he were to come to my office and meet the sex addicts I work with, he would truthfully tell them that “there is no one in the world like you; and I like you just the way you are.”  If sex addicts in treatment and recovery could learn to say those words to the person staring back at them in the mirror, and mean it, they just might find they have little to no use for their addict anymore.

I am grateful for the man commonly known as Mister Rogers.  His life serves a good model, in my opinion, for what it means to live as a healthy human being in this world.  This is true for sex addicts, too.  Allow me to close this article with the following letter:

Dear Sex Addict, Tortured Soul, Hidden Empath,

I know it is hard for you to see that you are not the sum of your actions.  Yes, your behavior likely has hurt people you care about; and it most definitely is not a sustainable way of life.  But, what you DID is not who you ARE.  As you work with your therapist, coach, or recovery team, I hope you can begin to see that you are a lot more like Mister Rogers than you realize today.  You will begin to recognize that you hurt; that you suffer; and not just the pain that has been inflicted upon you in the past. But, you feel the pain of others, too.  You’re often accused of seeing sex everywhere you turn; but the reality is that you likely see suffering everywhere you turn.  This world assuredly has not been very kind to you; and it continues to poke at your wounds every time you see it injure another living soul.  You may feel like it is too much to bear at times.  I believe Mister Rogers felt these things, too.  This keen awareness that I speak of is your superpower.  If you are not already, I hope you will take the necessary steps to learn to harness this power; learn to manage it; and then use it for the good of humanity.  Sadly, Fred Rogers was still human and he is gone from this world.  The question remains, “Will you pick up the torch?” because our world needs another Mister Rogers in it……and this time, why stop with one?

Start your journey. Stay the course. Godspeed.

Joshua Nichols is a licensed marital & family therapist and certified sex addiction therapist.  He is a co-owner of Family Solutions Counseling, a multi-therapist private practice group in the OKC metro area.  He is also a co-owner of nourishED, an intensive outpatient treatment center for those suffering from eating disorders.

WEBINAR: Internet Benefits & Pitfalls for Recovering Addicts while Social Distancing | Joshua Nichols

Quarantine Sucks! Series: Managing Life While on Lock-Down

In this FREE webinar, we will be discussing the dangers of the internet for those in recovery, but we will also be discussing how the internet can be useful, especially during a time of social distancing.  Please join in for some great information and quality discussion.  See you online!

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Managing Your Superpower [Part 1]: What Mister Rogers Has in Common with Sex Addicts

“Anything that is human is mentionable; and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable.” – Fred Rogers

I have a confession to make – although I am very familiar with the cultural icon, Mister Rogers, I didn’t exactly grow up watching Mister Roger’s Neighborhood, which aired from 1968-2001. I had never even seen an episode until recently. So, if you are wondering why I would be writing an article with Mister Rogers as a central theme, trust me, I am just as surprised as you are, maybe even more.

A few weeks ago, my wife’s birthday made its annual debut. In celebration of this fine day, I had already made plans to take her and the kids out to dinner. I asked her that if I could get a babysitter, would she also want to go to a movie? I wasn’t surprised that she jumped at the opportunity; we’ve always enjoyed watching a good story on the big screen.  Later that day, she texted me that she wanted to see, “It’s a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood,” a biographical film based upon the real-life friendship of Fred Rogers (i.e., Mister Rogers) and Tom Junod – a journalist whose profile piece he wrote on Fred Rogers for Esquire inspired the movie.

In all honesty, I was a bit disappointed that this was the movie she wanted to see. I was kind of hoping for something that was a little more action-packed; but, since it was her birthday, I didn’t pout or complain. I ordered us the tickets and off to the cinema we went. It didn’t take long, maybe 10 or 15 minutes, before I leaned over toward my wife in the theater and whispered, “This movie is awesome!”

When I came out of that movie theater, I walked out a Mister Rogers fan! Since that time, I have read about Mister Rogers, watched several clips of Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood, engaged in quite a few conversations with older, more seasoned fans, and even listened to an entire podcast series devoted to him called “Finding Fred” hosted by best-selling author, Carvell Wallace. I am now trying to figure out how to incorporate his work in my therapy practice.

A Tortured Soul

Tom Hanks’ portrayal of Fred Rogers was quite amazing! Big surprise, huh? Hanks clearly depicts Rogers as an empath – a man deeply connected to the world around him, particularly with those that are suffering. He deeply cared for the lost and wounded. He felt drawn to them, like a magnet looking for right piece of metal. As I watched the life of Mister Rogers unfold on the big screen, I couldn’t shake the feeling that Mister Rogers was a tortured soul – a person tormented on a daily basis by the pain and suffering of the world; a person that simply feels too much. Oddly enough, I have often found myself saying the exact same thing about sex addicts in recovery. That connection is what inspired me to write this piece.

It feels weird coupling “Mister Rogers” and “Sex Addict” in the same sentence, much less the same story, right? Well, that is our shame and preconceived notions telling us that sex addicts are selfish, disgusting, and defective people. This couldn’t be further from the truth. The sex addicts I have worked with over the years are some of the best people on this planet in my opinion. I know many of my colleagues would attest to the same.  They not only are your physicians, teachers, ministers, etc., they are also your brothers/sisters, mentors, best friends, and even your spouse. They are good people; but they are people that are hurting nonetheless.

“Hurt people, hurt people.” – Rick Warren

Sex addicts have been understandably labeled as non-empathetic, unfeeling, hard-hearted, and a number of other adjectives that suggest they are ill-equipped in the world of emotional connection. It’s true that most sex addicts do have trouble empathizing with others. I actually refer to empathy as “the sex addict’s Everest.” After all, sex addiction is commonly referred to as an attachment disorder. So it comes as no surprise that empathizing with others is quite the learning curve for sex addicts, but it is achievable nonetheless. The struggle here is not that sex addicts are emotionally stunted. Emotionally ill-equipped, yes, but being emotion-LESS or not having the ability to feel the emotion of others couldn’t be further from the truth. I think it is quite the opposite. You see, many sex addicts, similar to Fred Rogers, seemed to have this supernatural ability to deeply feel the suffering of the world. The difference between a sex addict and Fred Rogers is that Fred Rogers figured out how to appropriately manage this superpower; whereas, sex addicts learn to put their feelings in a box, duct tape it shut, and shove it all the way to the back of the shelf with the hope of never seeing it again. In short, sex addicts become expert compartmentalizers. They become so good at this, that over time they become emotionally illiterate to the point that trying to identify and describe their feelings would be like searching for a needle in a haystack. In fact, without working a recovery plan, I’d put my money on the needle.

Nothing Shy of a Superpower

When I am visiting with addicts about this phenomenon, I often refer to the ability to feel suffering as deeply as they do as the closest thing we have to superpower. In today’s world, we are fascinated with “superheroes.” Fictional heroes such as James Bond and Rocky Balboa seemed to have taken a back seat to comic book heroes, such as, Spiderman and Wonder Woman; and why wouldn’t they? After all, 007 may be the world’s most magnificent and untouchable spy, and the Italian Stallion can pack one helluva punch; but, Spider-Man and Wonder Woman have super powers!

Although Mister Rogers, sex addicts, and other empaths can’t fly or shoot laser beams from their eyes, they often do feel pain in ways that others can’t understand. I don’t think we are going to see that type of superpower in any upcoming Marvel movies, but the ability to feel the energy of suffering to the depths that they often do is nothing shy of a superpower in my book. The problem is that sex addicts, unlike Mister Rogers, tend to have a hard time managing those feelings without the help of a substance; but not just any substance – one that has the ability to open the flood gates of dopamine which creates quite the numbing affect. In fact, out of all the reward centers in our brain, there is no greater natural reward center than that of our sexual brain. For the sex addict it’s “Goodbye pain and suffering; hello momentary peace and tranquility.”

“If you cope with your darkness in darkness, you will likely do dark things to cope with it.” – Joshua Nichols

So, as it turns out, a lot of sex addicts, similar to Fred Rogers, experience suffering very deeply. Although they both use their imagination as a primary coping mechanism, sex addicts aren’t openly and honestly utilizing puppets and public servitude to manage those feelings; instead, fueled by shame and trauma, they venture into the darkest corner of the soul where they find secrecy and deceit. That kind of detachment combine with their genitals and a taste of the forbidden….well, let’s say it makes one amazing, yet, often devastating cocktail. Mister Rogers, however, wouldn’t be judgmental about this; my guess is that he would desire to help these tortured souls find peace and healing. He would want them to overcome their demons and learn to find joy and create harmony in their lives. You know why? Well, it’s quite simple. They deserve to be happy; and they deserve to be loved.  Although Mister Rogers isn’t powerful enough to make anyone happy, he was exceptional at sharing his love.

As a sex addiction therapist, I don’t just want to therapize my clients.  I also want them to experience from me a person that truly cares for them. I want to be someone that sees past all the smoke and mirrors and directly into the good that I believe them to be.  I want to be a calm and nurturing presence that shows them a side of humanity that, although imperfect, doesn’t tear down, destroy, or abandon.  I want them to know I see them and that they matter to me.  I could never guarantee that I would be able to help them learn to do this for themselves, although that would be a goal; but maybe I could give them a taste of something that transcends addiction, trauma, and loss – LOVE!

I hope you found Part 1 of Managing Your Superpower interesting and maybe even enlightening.  Stay tuned for Part 2 – What Recovering Sex Addicts Can Learn from Mister Rogers – where we look at the practices of Fred Rogers that may have made his life more manageable.

Joshua Nichols is a licensed marital & family therapist and certified sex addiction therapist.  He is a co-owner of Family Solutions Counseling, a multi-therapist private practice group in the OKC metro area.  He is also a co-owner of nourishED, an intensive outpatient treatment center for those suffering from eating disorders.

 

 

 

It Looks Like “Gaslighting,” but It’s NOT: Introducing Reflection Aggression.

If you are someone who finds value in educating yourself on mental health and relational issues, then you have likely heard of the phenomenon commonly referred to as “gaslighting.”

Cleverly named after the 1944 Ingrid Bergman film, Gaslight, “gaslighting” is a form of psychological control where one spouse manipulates the other into not trusting their own perceptions of reality. Partners that gaslight often do so in an effort to protect a secret by keeping their suspicious spouse or partner off their trail. After all, what better way to keep your spouse off your scent than to convince her that she* is the crazy one?!

[*Note: Although I do recognize that people of all genders can experience both addiction and betrayal, for reasons of convenience and flow, I will be referring to certain parties in gender specific terms. The “injured spouse/partner” will be recognized as female and the “addict/unfaithful partner” will be recognized as male.]

This disturbing form of manipulation does not limit itself to the sociopaths and psychopaths of the world. It may or may not surprise you that gaslighting is a common experience in relationships where addiction is present. Therefore, as you can imagine, gaslighting is an extremely common phenomenon experienced by partners of sex addicts. Thus, in sex addiction recovery, it is imperative for couples to address the injuries as a result of gaslighting behavior and other damaging forms of manipulation.

“Is it possible that my partner is gaslighting me?” – said every sex addict

In my work as a clinician and facilitator of sex addiction treatment and betrayal trauma recovery, this is one of the most common questions asked by sex addicts – not right away though. Usually, in the beginning stages of recovery, the sex addict finds that he is highly motivated to work a recovery program due to the experience of intense guilt and shame from seeing the pain and suffering his behavior has caused his partner [and sometimes family]. As a result, with the guidance of a recovery professional, the sex addict is willing to jump through all kinds of hoops to ease the suffering of the injured partner in effort to move toward healing. Thus, one of the main requests, or should I say “demands,” made by the injured partner is, “Go get help!” Abracadabra! And just like that, the addict begins his recovery journey. Okay, okay…..it’s not necessarily that clean, but you get the picture.

After several weeks, and sometimes months, of hard work in recovery, the addict starts to experience a strange phenomenon wherein his partner seems to resist his recovery efforts and even may become downright hostile toward him. We explain to the addict that this is normal human behavior. It’s human nature to mistrust new experiences and behaviors especially when they are coming from someone who has historically and chronically lied to us. You can imagine how amplified this form of skepticism can be for the injured partner when experiencing new behavior and energy from the person who wounded them.  Although this skepticism is at times expressed in anger by the injured partner, reflection aggression has not yet entered the picture.

At this stage of recovery, the injured partner is likely experiencing a different phenomenon that my colleague and I have termed,  Transitional Distrust. Transitional distrust is something that recovering couples experience when learning to trust new processes in the new relationship they are building.  This phenomenon is discussed with more detail in a blog I co-authored called, “What Is Transitional Distrust in Betrayal Trauma Recovery?” However, the statement below captures the conundrum of transitional distrust in partners of sex addicts.

“I don’t know what to think. Maybe he is ‘doing recovery’ and becoming the person I deserve to be with. Or….maybe he has mastered the art of deception and figured out a way to fool me without leaving behind any breadcrumbs!”

This fear might seem a bit embellished to you, but let me assure you, it is not! One difficult reality check for partners of addicts is that when it comes to facing what people are truly capable of – all bets are off! The injured partner abruptly realizes that the expression, “My partner would NEVER do that,” is no longer a truth in their new reality. They intuitively know that adopting such philosophies in their new reality would be back-sliding into denial and thereby setting themselves up for more pain and heartache.  Therefore, it makes sense that partners impacted by betrayal trauma can’t allow themselves to blindly trust the recovery efforts of their unfaithful partners, which is why addicts experience the initial pushback as they advance in recovery.  As the new relationship, and the trust therein, transitions, partners will often test its legitimacy through skepticism, anger, and many other unpleasant behaviors and feelings.  But, again, this is not reflection aggression; that comes later.

“Remember, you’re the one that did this to us! You’re the one that did this to me!”

These words typically are not unfamiliar to the sex addict as he advances in his own recovery. His wounded partner has said these words (or something similar) many times over in the days and weeks following the traumatic discovery of his infidelity and secrecy. As a result of intense shame and guilt, the addict often has this same message playing on a continuous loop inside his own head. More often than not, by the time the couples reaches my office, the addict knows he is guilty. Every time he looks at his partner he witnesses an overwhelming amount of evidence of the pain he has caused her.

What is typically puzzling to the addict is that after weeks, and sometimes months, into working his recovery plan, his partner continues to remind him of the pain and suffering he has caused by his infidelities. In turn, he begins to question his recovery efforts – “Am I truly getting better? I feel better. I’m doing what is being asked of me by her. I am following the recommendations made by the experts. Heck, I can even feel myself doing this for me and not just for her. But, maybe these are just more lies that I am telling myself. Maybe my addict is still steering the ship. I feel like I’m going crazy!”

This is a common process for many recovering sex addicts who are in a committed relationship. As addicts ponder on these thoughts and feelings, they often discover a strange familiarity in what they are currently experiencing from their partner in comparison to what their partners have experienced from them when they were active in their addiction. By this time, they are well aware of the clinical term for such behavior – gaslighting. Upon making this connection, they are eager to bring it to my attention – Is it possible that my partner is gaslighting me?

“You are not going crazy, but what you are experiencing is NOT gaslighting.”

What addicts are experiencing from their partners only mimics gaslighting because it produces the same outcome – the questioning of one’s own reality. The difference has to do with “intent.” Gaslighting is a form of crazy-making with the intent to keep others away from the truth. I believe the discovery of gaslighting to be one of the main reasons the wound of infidelity and the impact of sex addiction runs so deep. It’s bad enough to discover your partner has not been faithful; but it feels even more sinister to find out they were willing to make you question your own sanity in order to keep the secret. You don’t have to examine the depths of the injury very long to understand that it takes a lot of courage for the injured partner to even entertain the idea of couple recovery and forgiveness.

This gaslighting-like phenomenon experienced by the addict from their partner may have resulted in the addict questioning his own reality, but partners are not doing it in effort to keep a secret or hide the truth.  Remember, in the early stages or recovery, unfaithful partners experience hostility or aggression from their injured partners primarily because (1) they don’t trust new experiences or behaviors from their partners; and (2) they are tired of hurting.  But, “reflection aggression” isn’t really seen until after the crises have settled down and the addicts are gaining momentum in recovery.  The primary purpose for this type of hostility is because the injured partners don’t want their wounds to be revealed. Allow me to explain.

“If he is going to hurt me again, I at least want to see it coming.”

Damaged trust. One reason the injured partner doesn’t want the spotlight is because it would require her to focus on herself, which means taking her eyes off the addict. This is especially true in the beginning stages of recovery. When someone hurts you in such a devastating way, that person instantly become dangerous. Our brain has one very important job – to keep us alive. Thus, the presence of danger is something that we naturally become hypervigilant to.

“Why do I have to be the one in recovery? All I was doing was being a good driver.”

Insult to injury. I often correlate the beginning stages of sex addiction recovery for partners of sex addicts to being hit by a drunk driver. As in many cases that commonly make the headlines, it is not uncommon for the drunk driver to walk away with mere bumps and bruises, but the person they slammed into is hauled away in an ambulance with months of recovery awaiting them. When we hear about these stories, we can feel injustice making its way through our entire body. Anger and disgust temporarily consume us as we empathize with the unfairness of this situation. We think to ourselves, “All she was doing was being a good driver and trusting that others on the road were also being good drivers. Ugh!”

This is one reason why I believe it is difficult to get partners of sex addicts into recovery – it just feels so damn unfair! Most people in civilized society would adamantly agree with that assessment. Unfortunately, feeling strongly about the injustice of the situation does not change the reality that partners of addicts, like good drivers hit by drunk drivers, have to take responsibility for their own recovery. It sucks! It’s unfair! But, it is necessary for healthy living.

“I look into the mirror and I don’t even know who I am anymore.”

Revealing the Injury. The two aforementioned reasons for avoiding the spotlight are very common reasons that keep injured partners from entering recovery; but, reflection aggression is a phenomenon that happens well after they have entered recovery; and it has the potential to keep partners from advancing.

I came up with the term “reflection aggression” because gaslighting didn’t seem to fit. In thinking about the dance couples do at this stage of recovery, it appeared that partners of addicts were needing the addict to remember that they are the sick one. This made me think of the condition historically known as Munchausen by Proxy wherein a caregiver creates the appearance of health problems in another, usually a parent inducing illness in a child. If you are of my generation, you may be thinking of the movie, The Sixth Sense, that portrays a storyline of a mother with this condition who caused the untimely death of her young daughter by poisoning her food.

Although there are some similarities, ultimately, the Munchausen by Proxy hypothesis did not make sense to me either. Yes, in some ways the injured partner needs the addict to remain “the sick one” but not for the same reasons as someone suffering from Munchausen by proxy. For instance, the primary motive for a mother with this condition is to gain attention. Remember, partners of sex addicts don’t want that level of attention. Why? Because if the true nature of their injuries are revealed, and they have to look at the condition they are in, they are faced with a strong emotional dilemma, which I will explain in the next section.

The origins of the term “Reflection Aggression”

When addicts start bringing this gaslighting-like phenomenon to my attention, I use the metaphor of “holding up a mirror” to help them understand what their partners are experiencing. My goals are threefold:

  1. To understand that progress looks like destruction in the beginning. I want the addict to learn that progress in recovery (and in other facets of life) is not solely measured by warm-fuzzy feelings. In most cases in life, you have to tear down the old so you can rebuild the new. This deconstruction phase is often unpleasant, but progress nonetheless.
  2. To learn self-care. No one is typically harder on the addict than the addict himself making this time an opportunity to help him learn to be kind to himself. Being kind to yourself only when things are going well is easy to do. Learning to be kind to yourself when things are hard is a much better measuring stick for self-worth and presents a challenge to practice self-compassion.
  3. To have compassion for their partner. Remember, one thing that makes reflection aggression different from gaslighting is intent. Recall that partners don’t want the spotlight because (1) they don’t trust the addict, (2) it feels like insult to injury to even suggest they are unwell, and (3) they no longer recognize the person staring back at them in the mirror. These reasons are pure. They are not at all couched in deception, dishonesty, and secrecy. It’s important for the addicted partner to acknowledge this truth.

So, back to the metaphor of holding up a mirror. I explain to addicts that when they are progressing in recovery, they start to become less and less dangerous. Thus, their injured partner begins to have less and less reason to keep such a sharp eye on them. Instead, the partner gets glimpses of her wounded self in him – this new mirror that seemed to come out of nowhere. She sees that her recovering partner is the one holding it up. She doesn’t like the feeling of this new experience and deflects it by reminding him of his transgressions and shortcomings in an effort to get him to put the mirror down, or at least redirect it onto himself. After all, he’s the one that put them in this position, right?

“Why does this happen?”

Dr. Patrick Carnes, who is referred to as the “grandfather” of sex addiction treatment, explains that somewhere in the development of the addict, the addict makes a bargain with chaos, which is like making a deal with the devil. In recovery, I explain to sex addicts that they are now making a deal with Healthy. I tell them to think of Healthy as a separate entity. In recovery, the addict approaches Healthy to ask if s/he will be a part of his life? Healthy says, “Absolutely! But with one condition – I eventually have be a part of every aspect of your life, not just where you pick and choose to have me. We can start with your own individual recovery and then slowly expand to other parts of your life, like your marriage, family, friendships, and work life.”

In other words, “Healthy demand healthy!” I explain to the addict that this means eventually Healthy will demand to be a part of your marriage, which will require your partner to also become healthy. I also explain that this will feel like a dick move (i.e., insult to injury) to her when it happens. Injured partners usually want nothing more than their addicted spouse to get well. However, they often don’t quite understand the emotionally chaotic journey they are about to embark on in experiencing their unfaithful partners truly recover.

“Information is found contrast” – Dr. David Fournier

Reflection. A major part of sex addiction recovery requires that the addict take a deep look at himself and the traumas experienced in childhood, which ultimately led him down the dark road of addiction. The sex addict usually discovers that at the helm of the problem is a strong disdain for self, otherwise known as “shame.” In treatment, the addict starts to embrace the freedom and peace that comes with recovery, learning that a true love for self is the only way to keep him out of the shackles of addiction. As he embraces this new reality of love and self-care, maybe for the first time in his life, he begins to find meaning and joy in his recovery.

Now, imagine you are the injured partner witnessing this process of transformation. Experiencing the unfaithful or addicted partner progress in recovery creates a contrast that is nearly impossible for the wounded partner to ignore. She is forced to look at the depths of her own injury, which exacerbates her pain, amplifies her sense of injustice, and intensifies her anger.

“How dare you get better when you are the one that did this!”

Aggression. This reminds me of the classic Hollywood scenes where a troubled character finds herself staring into a mirror. Her anger begins to well up. Her body gives her away to the viewers as her face contorts, her breathing intensifies, and her fists clinch. We know what’s coming. Then, it happens – an alarming scream followed by a strong punch to the face in the mirror splintering it into a thousand shards of glass that refuse to fall! After a sigh of relief, the tortured soul looks back into the mirror, seeing a more accurate reflection of how she truly feels. Shattered. Unrecognizable. Defeated. This, in essence, is reflection aggression.

If we truly empathize with the injured spouse, we can see how any one of us might experience reflection aggression when faced with the reality that we have been unjustly wounded. No matter which direction she turns, she finds herself staring at her own face, her own body, her own pain. The mirror doesn’t hold back either. It provides an overwhelming amount of detail. She can see the gaping wound of infidelity. She can see it’s depths; and she understands that it will destroy her if she doesn’t stop the bleeding, close the wound, and apply the right kind of meds for healing.

“How dare you force me to face my childhood trauma without my permission!”

Unfortunately, the wound of sexual infidelity isn’t the only culprit at play with reflection aggression. As the injured partner examines the person in the mirror, she notices that surrounding the gaping wound created by partner betrayal are many other wounds, some large and some small; she is puzzled, unsure of how they got there. In her own recovery, she is troubled as she learns that these wounds existed, in many cases, long before her partner was even in the picture. As you can imagine, this reality can be quite overwhelming for partners because there is an underlying message they can’t escape – the wound of betrayal trauma isn’t a hundred percent responsible for the pain I’m experiencing. This revelation sucks! And what fuels the flame even more is that partners often feel like the decision to work through this pain on their own time was stolen from them, which can lead to more aggression toward the unfaithful partner.

In conclusion….

I hope this information helps you see how gaslighting and reflection aggression, although similar, are vastly different. Reflection aggression is not about convincing someone they are crazy in order to keep secrets, it is more about partners putting the brakes on and redirecting the spotlight, because it is just too damn difficult to look into a mirror and not recognize the person staring back at you.

Partners of addicts experience an immense amount of change in what seems like a moment’s time. They are stressed, scared, and overwhelmed in ways they have never experienced before. They need to take their recovery in stride and with professional direction and insight. Reflection aggression is a way of telling themselves and their partners, that “I see it! I recognize the condition I am in. Please put down the damn mirror and let me take one thing at a time!” It looks and feels aggressive, which makes it unpleasant; and, yes, if it goes unchecked or ignored, it can even be further damaging to the relationship; but, make no mistake, it is not the same as gaslighting.

 

GASLIGHTING REFLECTION AGGRESSION
Shifts spotlight off of self and on to another Same
Results in partner questioning own reality Same
Embedded in deception & dishonesty Embedded in pain and injustice
Intent is to keep the truth hidden Intent is to pace healing and recovery
Deepens the betrayal wound Communicates the depth of the wound
Fear-driven Anger-driven
©Joshua Nichols 2019

I’d like to give a special thanks to Dr. Alexandra Katehakis for the time she spent helping me edit and organize my thoughts for the article. Dr. Katehakis a licensed therapist, certified sex addiction therapist, certified sex therapist, published author and the co-founder of the Center for Healthy Sex in Los Angeles.  I am truly grateful for her wisdom, expertise, and generosity. 

 ~Joshua Nichols~
Licensed Marital & Family Therapist
Certified Sex Addiction Therapist

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