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October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month | Victoria James

October 6, 2020

Abuse thrives only in silence. You have the power to end domestic violence simply by shining a spotlight on it. – Leslie Steiner

I’ve thought a lot about what I wanted to say in honor of this month. Whether I wanted to spend time writing out stats and defining abuse, whether I wanted to talk to those supporting survivors, or to speak directly to survivors themselves.

There are plenty of websites that will define abuse and provide detailed information on how to identify domestic violence, resources for it, and what to do if you think someone you love is being abused. So rather than add to the list of already available resources (which I’ll include below)—I want to talk directly to survivors.

DEAR SURVIVORS

I want to say that this abuse is not your fault. I want you to know that you are worthy; and you are not crazy.  That yes, you can still love your abuser and know the way you are being treated is wrong.  That the positive portions of the relationship do hold value—and that they also do not excuse the abuse.

I’ve worked hundreds of hours with abuse survivors in all stages of their relationships.  What I have said to them and what I want to say to you is that you deserve more. Just because they “only” abuse when. . . doesn’t excuse it when it happens. A 1 of 10 on the abuse scale is still so much worse than what you deserve. You deserve to not be abused at all.

I know you want it to be possible for you to be “good” enough to make the abuse stop.  I know that you tell yourself, “if I just. . . then they won’t.”  And yet—nothing you can do will justify the abuse or change the behaviors of another person.  Your behaviors are all that is in your control.  You are not responsible for the way someone else treats you.

I want to say that I don’t blame you for staying.  That I understand that staying is sometimes the safest option for yourself and your children.  I am with you and hear you as you do and say what you need to do in order to best protect yourself.  No one but you can decide what that “best” thing is.

Your safety and your empowerment are my number one priority. There are resources available if you want them—some even for free. We can create a safety plan no matter what your relationship looks like. You are not alone.

Even if they have never physically harmed you, you can still say that you are experiencing abuse.  Even if they have never raised their voice at you. Even if they have never called you a nasty name.  If you feel like you no longer have control over your own life, what you wear, how you spend your money, who you talk too—that is the essence of abuse. That alone counts and is enough.

WHAT OTHERS ARE SAYING

I asked my community what they would say to a survivor of abuse if they could say anything. I want to share those responses with you:

  • “You were not seeking attention. You were seeking help.”
  • “It is not your fault.”
  • “You are not powerless. This doesn’t have to be forever.”
  • “You are worthy. You don’t deserve this and you are allowed to walk away. Abuse is abuse and it doesn’t have to be physical for it to be painful so never doubt yourself.”
  • “You can break the cycle. It doesn’t have to be this way for generations to come. You don’t have to grow up and have that kind of relationship yourself.”
  • “I believe you. It is not your fault.”
  • “Help is available for no cost. There are Domestic Violence Crisis centers available to you.”
  • “The abuse does not define you.”
  • “There is hope. You are not alone.”
  • “You survived. That was your only job.”
  • “You are brave. You are worthy.”

RESOURCES

If you are questioning whether or not what you are experiencing is abuse, I encourage you to contact a professional who has been trained to talk about it. If you want help, there are resources.

If you reside in the state of Oklahoma, you can receive free counseling, advocacy, and shelter services at:

  1. YWCA Oklahoma City
  2. Wings of Hope in Stillwater
  3. DVIS Tulsa 

You are also more than welcome to contact me or another provider that is working in your state or area.

For more domestic violence awareness and information:

https://www.breakthecycle.org

www.thehotline.org

www.ncadv.org

Victoria James is licensed professional counselor candidate in the state of Oklahoma.  She is currently a practitioner at Family Solutions Counseling in the OKC Metro area where she works with individuals and couples struggling with sexual-related matters, trauma, and domestic violence. 

Filed Under: Blog Tagged With: domestic violence awareness, domestic violence awareness month, domestic violence counseling, domestic violence help, domestic violence resources, dv awareness, family solutions counseling, gaslighting, not your fault, october, october is domestic violence awareness month, purple ribbon, victoria james, you are not crazy

FREE WEBINAR: Sex, Stress, and COVID-19 | Victoria James

April 22, 2020

Quarantine Sucks! Series: Managing Life While on Lock-Down

Stress, Sex, and COVID–Oh my! Many of us are experiencing stress from the coronavirus. This pandemic may be effecting our relationships, our livelihoods, our mental and physical health–and also our sex lives! Join sexpert and therapist, Victoria James, for a conversation around both the effects of stress on our sex lives and the (potentially very positive) effects of sex on our stress.

Join Zoom Meeting
https://zoom.us/j/92507512944
Meeting ID: 925 0751 2944

About the Speaker: Victoria James, NCC, LPC Candidate

Tori is a graduate of Oklahoma State University’s Master of Science in Counseling program. She has practiced as a Sexual Assault Counselor at a domestic violence, sexual assault, stalking and harassment agency and in a private practice setting seeing clients with presenting concerns ranging from depression to relationship problems.

In addition to her master’s program, Tori has received additional training in trauma counseling and sex therapy. Her passion is for any person struggling with feeling whole and fulfilled in their lives, especially those concerned with intimacy and relationship concerns. She is trained to work with adults, pre-teens and teens, families, couples, and non-traditional relationship structures. Her research on sexual consent and sex education satisfaction has been presented at multiple international and national conferences.

Tori believes that we all have a drive for connection, but that connection can be intimidating and scary. She believes that the fear of vulnerability—and the disconnection that comes from that fear—is often a source of pain in our lives. Tori honors this by working hard to create a safe space and solid relationship with clients in order to enable the best environment for working through life’s hardships together.

Outside the counseling room, Tori enjoys spending time with her nieces and nephew, participating in Pure Barre, running, and baking macarons. Her family consists of her husband, Rottweiler mix, and adorable cat (creatively named Kitty).

Visit Victoria’s Website

Tagged With: anxiety, coronavirus, covid-19, pandemic, sex, sex lives, sexpert, sexual health, stress, therapist, victoria james

WEBINAR: Maintaining Our Sex Lives from a [Social] Distance | Victoria James, Sexpert

March 25, 2020

Quarantine Sucks! Series: Managing Life While on Lock-Down

Join Zoom Meeting
https://zoom.us/j/370756995

Meeting ID: 370 756 995

Description: Sex is a vital part of our relationships, our overall well being, and our self care. How do we maintain our sexuality during a time when we may be being asked to socially distance—even from our sexual partners? Whether you are self-quarantined in a home away from your partner or are simply trying to maintain six feet of distance from your housemates, there are ways we can continue to engage in sex—both with ourselves and others. Want to learn more? Join this 30 minute workshop for some safe, distant, sex-tips!

Tagged With: coronavirus sucks, covid-19 pandemic, covid-19 sucks, quarantine sucks, sex help, sex is fun, sex matters, sexpert, sexual health, victoria james

3 Reasons You Should Do Sex Therapy | by Victoria James

January 14, 2020

“Am I supposed to be a freak in the sheets or a lady in the streets?”

What comes to mind when you hear “sex therapist?” Can you imagine doing therapy with a central focus on sex and sexuality? Shoot, most of us have a hard time even saying the word “sex” without whispering, much less talking about it in detail to a perfect stranger. Why is that? Well, one reason is because of how our shame culture works when it comes to sex and sexuality; but, another reason has to with the nature of the sexual relationship.

Our sexuality is a very intimate part of our existence; and, with intimacy comes vulnerability. I would argue that the sexual part of a committed relationship is the apex of intimacy and vulnerability in that relationship. So, if sex is the most intimate part of our relationships, then it is likely the part of our relationship that potentially could be the most painful. That level of vulnerability makes even talking about it a very difficult task. Couple that with shame culture……WHEW…… can we change the topic now?

The reality is that there is a need for sex therapists in our world and sex therapy in your relationship. Just like you might bring in a financial advisor to help you with your money, or a drug and alcohol counselor to assist you in your recovery, or a dietitian to help you with your poor nutritional habits, sex therapists are available to help you discover and/or develop your own individual and couple sexuality so that you can experience the pleasurable rewards that this ultimate form of intimacy can afford you.

In case you are still wondering if sex therapy is right for you, I have put together three simple, but important reasons you should consider finding a sex therapist. Here they are:

1. Sex is Fun, But Complicated

Sex is one of those things that we are simultaneously over and under exposed to. We receive a hundred different messages about sex each day. Starting from the time we are children, we are exposed to sex in music, advertisements, movies, and television. Oddly enough, while witnessing sexual content is a part of our daily lives, we are also embarrassingly uninformed about healthy sexuality.

In Oklahoma, there is no state mandated sex education. Often, the sex education we are exposed to is shame based and lacking in information. I mean, how many of us experienced Mean Girls-type sex ed?

“Don’t have sex because you will get pregnant and die! Don’t have sex in the missionary position. Don’t have sex standing up; just don’t do it, okay, promise? Okay, now everybody take some rubbers.” – Coach Carr (portrayed by Dwayne Hill in movie, Mean Girls)

These conflicting messages can leave us feeling like we are “supposed” to know how to be super sexy and also feeling like asking for information on sex is a big “no-no.” Then what do we do? Am I supposed to be a sexy freak in the sheets or a lady in the streets? How on earth do I do both? Should I be mad that my partner watches porn, or is that “normal”? What if I want sex once a day and I have a partner who is only interested in having sex once a month—how do we find a sex life balance that is satisfying for us both? What if I can’t manage to reach orgasm, even if I am masturbating? What if I have difficulty maintaining an erection? What if I really want to try BSDM but am unsure how to bring that up to my partner? Are my desires “freaky”? What does that say about me? Lions, vulvas, and bears—oh my!

Take a deep breathe. Assisting with these exact questions is the reason that sex therapists exist. If you’ve ever asked one of them, seeing a sex therapist may be a great option for you!

2. Breakthrough the Shame

“Sex is dirty. Sex is bad. Save it for someone you love.” ~Unhelpful Advice Giver

How many of us were raised with the thought that sex is “bad”—that sex is what “dirty” people do? Even if we are taught “sex is a great wonderful thing—in the confines of marriage”, we can be left feeling like our sexuality is a naughty, sinful thing when done “too soon”.

I have had so many people talk to me about shame-based sex education they have received that damaged their ability to have a happy, healthy sex life. An example of this shame based education you may be familiar with is the “tape example.” In this example, young girls are given a piece of tape. These girls are then told to take this tape and stick it on another person’s arm and then another, until it becomes dirty and loses its ability to “stick”. This lesson is supposed to illustrate that, just like tape becomes damaged after coming into contact with multiple people, so do we—as if we lose our worth as people when engaging in sex.

Having grown up being taught things like this—it can be hard to flip the switch in our minds from “sex is bad” to “it is okay for me to be a sexual being.” Often times, this shame associated with sex then harms our relationships—and harms our own mental and physical health.

It may be that the shame we feel around sex is not around sex in general—but a particular behavior or orientation. Maybe we’ve been taught that sex is fine—if it is missionary. Or we’ve been taught having same-sex attraction is shameful. Or that having more than one partner is inappropriate.

Talking with a sex therapist can help us break through that shame and open the possibility of having happy, healthy, fulfilling sex lives.

An Important Note: Sex therapists are not in the business of changing or undermining your value system. A quality sex therapist will understand the importance of your value system; thus, s/he will help you explore your individual and relational sexuality within the framework of your current value system. We are not here to change your morals, just support you in finding a happy balance within them.

3. Strengthen Your Knowledge and Understanding of Your Own Sexuality

Twenty-seven states currently mandate abstinence-only models be taught in schools, which means missing out on education about STIs and how to have healthy relationships. Only 12 states require that information provided during sex education be medically accurate—there are examples of students being taught you can get pregnant from a hot tub (you can’t, by the way—no matter what Glee tried to tell you). Only 8 states that require sex education be unbiased—meaning sex education can openly say that being gay is bad (Guttmacher Institute, 2016).

As stated above, Oklahoma (and so many other states) does not have any mandated sex education at all. There is a big potential that students coming out of Oklahoma schools will only have received education from TV and porn—not the two best places to find healthy sex.

What does this mean for us? It means we do not have a lot of information about our bodies, sexuality, or how to be sexual people. We simply haven’t been given the education.

The good news is, sex therapists receive an abundance of education and clinical training on sex and sexuality. They likely don’t have all the answers, but they are trained to help you find your specific and unique formula for healthy sexuality in your life and relationships.

It can be intimidating to reach out to a stranger to talk about something we have actively been taught not to talk about. Even if we are not experiencing shame around our sexuality, it can still be incredibly scary to become vulnerable with another person in the pursuit of health and happiness. Sex therapists understand that. They will work to have comfortable conversations and meet you where you are. They will provide support, validation, and care as you figure things out together. Most importantly, they help you get the sex you want; and getting the sex you want is a big deal.

In conclusion, if you feel like your life is lacking in the sexual arena, maybe it is time to seek out a sexpert to help you navigate through this part of your life, which can often be very messy. Are you in now? Excellent. Here are some resources for finding the right fit for you.

Find an AASECT certified sex therapist here, or contact me, Victoria James,  if you believe I can be a good resource to you.

Victoria James
Licensed Professional Counselor Candidate
National Certified Counselor

Joshua Nichols
Licensed Marital & Family Therapist
Certified Sex Addiction Therapist

 

Filed Under: Blog Tagged With: aasect, bdsm, couple sex, healthy sex, healthy sexuality, joshua nichols, lmft, lpcc, nonconventional relationship, sex therapist, sex therapy, victoria james, victoria picard

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