By Joshua Nichols
Betrayal trauma is a term that has gained traction among mental health professionals over the last decade. It refers to the deep emotional wounds caused by betrayal in a meaningful relationship. While it’s often associated with infidelity or sexual betrayal, betrayal trauma can happen in various forms of relationships. Understanding this concept is crucial, but there are many misconceptions that can cloud the reality of this kind of trauma. In this article, I will debunk five common myths surrounding betrayal trauma to provide clarity and insight for those affected by it.
1. Misconception: Betrayal Trauma Only Happens in Committed Couple Relationships
One of the most widespread misconceptions is that betrayal trauma only occurs within committed couple relationships, particularly those experiencing infidelity or sex addiction. However, betrayal trauma can happen in any meaningful relationship—whether between friends, family members, or colleagues. The key factor is that a bond of trust has been damaged, leading to deep emotional wounds. In fact, betrayal trauma is often referred to as an “attachment injury” by experts like Sue Johnson, where a person feels betrayed or abandoned in a time of critical need. Healing from this kind of trauma requires intentional repair work, not just for forgiveness, but also for reconciliation.
2. Misconception: Betrayal Only Happens in Unhappy or Troubled Relationships
Contrary to popular belief, betrayal can happen even in relationships that appear to be healthy and happy. Many partners who have been betrayed often feel blindsided, as they perceived their lives and relationships as stable or at least not troubled. Betrayal doesn’t always stem from dissatisfaction; instead, it can arise from deeper emotional struggles, even in a seemingly “perfect” relationship. It’s this emotional complexity that often shocks the betrayed partner, making the impact even more profound.
3. Misconception: Sexual Betrayal Is Linked to Sexual or Relational Dissatisfaction
Another myth is that sexual betrayal is always tied to sexual or relational dissatisfaction. While there might be some underlying dissatisfaction, infidelity and betrayal are often more about maladaptive coping mechanisms. Infidelity, sex addiction, or emotional affairs are often attempts to cope with emotions like stress, boredom, grief, or confusion in an unhealthy way. These actions are not necessarily reflective of dissatisfaction in the relationship itself but rather an inability to manage difficult emotions effectively. Understanding this distinction not only gets to the root cause for the betrayal, it also helps betrayed partners let themselves off the hook if they happen to be blaming themselves to some degree.
4. Misconception: “I Should Have Seen It Coming.”
Many people who experience betrayal trauma feel like they should have been able to predict or notice the signs before it happened. This leads to self-blame and confusion. However, the reality is that betrayal often happens in relationships where trust and vulnerability are foundational. In a healthy relationship, vulnerability is necessary; it’s what keeps relationships open and connected. Being vulnerable means trusting your partner and not constantly looking over your shoulder for signs of betrayal. No one expects to be betrayed by someone they trust; and although easier said than done, blaming yourself for not seeing it coming is not only unproductive for healing, it is also unfair to do that to yourself.
5. Misconception: Recovery Means Going Back to How Things Were
Another common misconceptions about betrayal trauma recovery is the belief that the goal is to go back to the way things were before the betrayal occurred. In reality, going back is not possible; thus, it should not be the goal because it is a fruitless effort in my opinion. The relationship must evolve and change in order for trust to be rebuilt. If the relationship were to return to its previous state, the same dynamics that allowed the betrayal to occur in the first place might persist. Moving forward in recovery means creating new ways of interacting and establishing trust, often with the guidance of a trained betrayal trauma therapist.
In conclusion, betrayal trauma is a complex and deeply painful experience, and the misconceptions around it can hinder healing to varying degrees. Whether it occurs in romantic partnerships or other meaningful relationships, the path to recovery involves addressing the emotional and relational wounds and charting a path forward, rather than simply returning to the way things were. If you’re navigating betrayal trauma, working with a specialized therapist can help you navigate your grief and start the process of charting the new territory.
About the Author: Joshua Nichols is a licensed marital and family therapist and certified sex addiction therapist. He is co-owner of Family Solution Counseling, a small group practice in Oklahoma City with a primary emphasis in betrayal trauma recovery from a team-approach model. Check out Josh’s latest article on the 12 Types of Gaslighting.
