by Mackenzie Camp, M.S., LMFT-Candidate
Recently, I was talking to one of my close friends about how it feels to overshare with someone. She said she did not know why she kept trusting certain people with so much information about herself. She would share something with an acquaintance, and then wonder why she regretted sharing it; it was her information. Then, she said, “I regretted it because I didn’t want to share it with them. I just wanted them to care about me, and sharing it [the information about herself] seemed like it would do that.” We are taught to share information about ourselves to connect with others. It is a natural component in the process of growing close to someone else. We are also taught to not share ourselves with people who “don’t deserve us”. This can look like cutting someone off by never talking to them after a fight. Or it can look like talking to someone about how toxic they are and why you are distancing yourself because of them. Although oversharing and cutoff seem like opposites of each other, they are rooted in the same issue.
What my friend, myself, and many others are struggling with when we overshare or prematurely cut someone off is our own understanding of boundaries. You are not alone in these struggles. Perhaps you are thinking about just fading your relationship out, or maybe you are wanting to have a clean break, meaning you will never see them again.
One of the most common reactions to recognition of poor boundaries I have seen in my work as a clinician has been jumping to complete cutoff. If someone knows that person is wrong for them, bad for them, or a “toxic” person, they will cut off from this person without a second thought. And they do it big, meaning this person is effectively cutoff in every sense of the word. No physical contact, no verbal or non-verbal communication, and hopefully no overlap of people in their circles; then we’d have to start choosing sides. Sound familiar?
All or Nothing
Now you may be thinking “why is this person talking about my divorce?” or “why is this person describing my childhood best friend?” or “how does this person know what happened with my relationship with my mom?”. The reason that all these people can have similarities in their stories despite vast differences in the characters and context is due to the prevalence of cutoff. It is literally everywhere. And it is the cultural norm to encourage it whenever we want. We have started to cling to phrases like “cutting out toxic people” and wanting to “set boundaries” all in the name of personal peace. This is not only completely normalized, but it also promotes self over relationship. I don’t think that humans are built to think about just themselves, or only others. They need balance and perspective to maintain health in both areas. I understand that self understanding and introspection are important and necessary. I do wonder, though, about the speed at which we jump to cut someone off when it seems there are more solutions. People don’t have to oscillate between the limited options of cutting someone off and oversharing in effort to eagerly connect.
People do need boundaries with others. They do need to know what information can be shared with whom. And they need to have familiarity with who they are in relation to others to truly know how to set their boundaries with those people. I want people to realize the importance and severity that true cutoff entails, and to build levels of it in order to have healthier relationships and boundaries with all people.
This is why I want to further develop the idea of having a spectrum of cutoff. I want to propose an idea of levels of cutoff. Meaning, the options in relationships would no longer be “complete cutoff” or “completely get bull-dozed and continue having no boundaries”. There are more options. There must be more.
Spectrum of Boundaries
This idea—developing an understanding of yourself in relation to someone else—is not new. Many different theoretical lenses in the field of mental and relational health touch on this or are all about this topic. In fact, it is more difficult to name a model or theory that has nothing to say about self-awareness in relationship and boundaries within that context. My explanation of this is not meant to reinvent the wheel or to re-say what has already been said. It is meant to help people understand something universally true—people need relationship with other people—with a different tool in their toolbox. This is a new way to try to concretely understand your relationships.
Having levels of cutoff means that people are given opportunities for change, opportunities for connection, and can also understand how to live and cope in discomfort. Many people can improve when given time and instruction. One of the problems is with current cancel culture and toxic cutoff. We have slid from attempting discernment and boundary-setting into using the self as the only barometer for if someone should stay in our inner circle and then banishing them to the outskirts of our lives because our personal barometer has spoken. This mentality makes it quite difficult for not only forgiveness to take place after a mistake, but also for someone to understand the complexity of someone else. It makes it scary to be in relationship with someone who you know would banish you for any mistake. Connection is hard for people; having safeguards in place is understandable. It may be that someone is a good at being there for people, but not good at having long, emotional talks. Or that someone is good at listening to someone and asking questions but is reluctant to share about themselves because they don’t believe anyone would care. Others simply feel close to people because of the time they have spent together. Regardless of what dictates the feelings of closeness, people need to know their own boundaries so they can communicate about distance and closeness in their relationships. This clarity will also offer more options, not just cutoff or completely intertwined. In short, allowing people to think through their relationships instead of labeling people as either “in” or “out”. It offers people opportunity to get creative in their boundaries.
The tool I propose to help accomplish defining these boundaries is called the Personal Awareness of Relationship Closeness (PARC). It is a tool that builds the in-between of the extremes. We understand 1 (having complete access and relationship with someone), and we understand 10 (having no access or relationship with someone). I am hoping to build up the awareness and usage of 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9. And I have a visual to help.
The Visual
Draw or imagine ten circles, starting with a small one in the middle and slowly build nine more concentrically around the smallest one, like a target with a bullseye. Now picture you in the center. Each circle is a level of closeness, the central circle only having you in it. The circles become less close to you as they get further from the middle. The levels of closeness are different for each individual. The lines of the circles represent barriers between each level, almost like fencing. The spaces in between the lines represent the area that people are in. Some people would have more space in between each circle; others may have certain circles that have little space between one circle’s line and the next. This is meant to illustrate you in the context of your relationships.
Now, let us use it in an example. If I were to say that I have cut someone out completely, they would be drifting on the outside of the outermost circle, in level 10. This means I likely never talk to them, never see them, and know little of them currently. This is where every stranger I meet exists. It is where I would put people from my past I knew in name only, and never spoke to. This contrasts sharply to what defines level 1.
If someone was the person who I am closest to in my entire life, they would be in the closest ring of space outside the center circle. This would be the 1 space. This means that they know the most about me, that I feel closest to them, and that I have been vulnerable with them. This does not necessarily mean they have been vulnerable with me. That involves their personal circles, not mine. But where I put them in mine is about the level of comfort, safety, and vulnerability I feel with this person.
This also means that someone in level 4 of my circles may feel safer to me than someone in level 8. This would mean that I would be more forthcoming and willing to share vulnerabilities with them. This also means that they have navigated through the outer circles to get to where they are. This could look like asking me questions, honoring boundaries I have set in conversation, helping me feel safer with them, or just being reliable. What helps people enter new and closer circles would be unique based on the individual; it is merely about closeness and vulnerability that dictates the position in the circles.
There can be multiple people in any of the layers, except the innermost circle. This circle can only contain you. This visual is meant to develop your own concept of how you relate to others, and what level of emotional closeness and personal vulnerability you feel in relation to someone else.
Between the Lines
The spaces between the lines which represent the numbered levels are where people exist in relation to you. These spaces may be large and simple meadows where people simply meander from level 6 to level 5. There are no difficulties and no complications in the terrain. Other times, the spaces can become minefields, or even desolate places for people to be in. Having mines can happen because of an experience with another person in that same space. For example, if someone who was at a level 4 of closeness to me hurt me while they were in level 4, I may have learned to put some more defenses there to weed out other people who attempt to get closer. I may put up a wall that means I don’t reach out. Or I may bite their head off in an argument to test their ability to withstand difficulty.
When people have more of an emotional desert terrain in one of their levels, they are often wanting someone to cross the desert and be willing to go through hard things with them. They will pack their own water. They will find shelter to stay warm in the night. They will do necessary things to traverse the space to get closer to you.
The Lines Themselves
If you have ever played Chutes and Ladders or have a strong visual for how teleportation works, you may understand this next part easily. Some people have slides or teleportation devices that goes from every number space (1-9) to outside the circle (10). These slides function as garbage disposals for most people. They are meant to be swift ways to get people who were closer to you away from you. There is little to no utilization of each level when there are slides. You don’t go from level 5 to level 7 after a fight; you go from level 5 to level 10.
Some people have built these slides for certain topics. An example of this could be abuse. If someone abuses you, they may automatically be slid to the outermost level, 10. Others have these slides built for certain people. For example, let’s say I have an acquaintance who tells people my private information without my consent. Then, let’s say that person worked hard to continue to build a relationship with me after this. They try to show up for me consistently, be kind, and offer support as a friend. They may slowly work their way up levels in my mind. However, I have built a slide directly from that person to level 10 because of the past hindering me from fully trusting them. In this way, this person will always be able to be quickly cut out. Then, there some who use these slides at their personal level of peace maintenance. If I am treated in a way that causes me to feel “bad” or “negative” feelings, then no matter who it is or what is going down, they will be slid to level 10.
I would argue that all of what builds and develops our type and usage of our personal slides is informed by what past traumas we have faced, and what work we have done to change or adapt out slides. None of these slides are inherently wrong or abnormal. Some of them are warranted, justified, or more culturally accepted.
Some people have a stronghold fence at certain levels. An example would be saying, “If someone doesn’t ask me about myself, they can only get to a closeness of level 5.” Because of how emotional closeness works, it makes sense that people would be less inclined to let the people who seem disinterested closer to them. This can also be used to explain the difficulty people have with being vulnerable with others. They may have laser fencing that people need a passcode and a fingerprint identification to get through. Others have very simple fencing that is an inch high: it can be hurdled in a single bound, if someone puts in a little bit of effort.
Exceptions in the Visual
I am not trying to say that there are never times for extreme cutoff. Certainly, there are times when it would be appropriate to say you would never be willing to see or speak to someone again. But these options should be reserved for extreme or dangerous people and circumstances. What I am hoping to convey is that these should be exceptions, not the governing rule itself.
Conclusion: Cultivate the Circles
The PARC is only one of many ways to better navigate your emotions and relationships. It matters that you know who you feel safe with. It matters that you know who to talk to about vulnerable topics, and who you should avoid talking to about those same topics. To assume everyone deserves the same level of information (close or far) means that you are putting yourself in one of two situations. Either you could be burned by people who were not capable of handling that level of closeness, or you will be so isolated because you have not built ways to have people make mistakes and still be in your presence. We, both practitioners of relational health and the people we serve, need to understand the importance of building boundaries that are healthy, specific, explicitly communicated, and consistently enforced. This kind of health in boundary-setting makes topics like trauma, depression, anxiety, emotional regulation, and conflict easier to comprehend and treat.
I would encourage anyone to re-examine and critically think about their relationships. Who are you close to and why? How have they shown up for you? How important is give and take when thinking about your relationships? You don’t even have to do anything with the information you gather about yourself. The first step to understanding how to set effective boundaries in adulthood is to know yourself more clearly. The goal is to develop relational self- awareness and in doing so, help you to have better relationships in all areas of your life. You might be surprised at how big of a role emotional and relational awareness could be playing in your current struggles.
