Creative Communication: The Power of Art Therapy | Alexandra Steward

November 11, 2020

Whenever I visit my grandmother, or “Nanna” as all the grandkids call her, we paint together and she tells me stories about her life from long ago. She would delight in telling us about how, as a little girl, she was so proud of her first pair of Levi Jeans. I remember her telling me the story of when she moved to California and refused to marry a farmer only to fall for a farmer who was working as a pilot at the time. Throughout her life, she has told me many stories filled with wisdom and reassurance. Once she told me that “God lets an artist paint the sky when they get to heaven” and that’s why we see beautiful sunrises and sunsets every day.

As both a mentor and grandmother, my Nanna is also one of my favorite artists alongside Georgia O’Keeffe, Kehinde Wiley, and Andy Warhol, each of whom has a unique artistic style to communicate their ideas to the world.

Andy Warhol, who founded the New York Academy of Art, captured the world’s attention with his pop styled art of repeating images and bright colors. On the other hand, artists like Kehinde Wiley is a more modern artist known for his historically European stylized portraitures of modern Black people. The enlarged flowers of Georgia O’Keeffe were some of my favorite paintings growing up and was one of my Nanna’s favorite artists since she likes nature subjects as well.

From pop to historic grandeur to naturalism, each of these artists expressed themselves in a different medium and style. Art has been seen to be just one mode of communication, but more than that, it can be a useful tool to explore your own emotions. Troubling and stressful thoughts and feelings can be hard to communicate, and a lot of people struggle to form words to express themselves. Art helps communicate these complex troubles and stresses in a way that is helpful for the client and is often uniquely tailored to fit their needs. Anyone can be an artist, and anyone can explore their emotions through various mediums of art.

Creating is not only for people who have trouble verbalizing themselves, but can also be a method to reduce stress, anxiety, PTSD, and other disorders.

Can Art Be Therapeutic?

Yes it can. There is even a for of professional therapy called “art therapy.” Art therapy is a discipline that blends art and psychology through the therapeutic process and implements the use of painting, drawing, collaging, photography, and so much more. Often changed to fit the client, art therapy is helpful for various ages and has many benefits for participants. Art therapy has been seen to:

Improve communication and concentration through a creative mode of conversing, and helps clients to focus on a particular idea
Allow the client a safe space to work through their emotions throughout the entire process and acts as both a positive distraction and calming experience. Art therapy has been seen as a time that allows clients to process their overwhelming emotions.
Increase self-awareness which promotes self-esteem in social situations and reduces feelings of isolation.
Cultivate emotional resilience and promote insight as clients can use various mediums and freely express themselves.

What Are the Benefits to Art Therapy?

Not only does art therapy have many benefits, but there is a diversity that exists within the field, where different mediums have different uses. Art ranges from more to less structured mediums. More structured mediums like photography and collages allow more hesitant clients a place to start while less structured mediums like painting, drawing, and sculpting is more free-flowing. Any of these mediums are suitable for therapy, but their suitability for each particular client varies. Painting isn’t always as suitable for directives as collages are, but collages do not always have the emotional range as painting. Sculpture can be a great medium for some, but for others who don’t enjoy the mess, it may not be the best option. Furthermore, drawing can come in so many forms from colored pencils, graphite, crayons, and more allow for lots of freedom to depict what the client wishes to, but may overwhelm them if they try to include too many details. Overall, many types of art can be tailored to fit a particular client, with pros and cons attached to each one.

Art therapy isn’t just for artists, if you’re having trouble expressing your emotions, feel too overwhelmed to adequately and freely express yourself, or need a creative outlet to process your trauma, then art therapy may be for you! Anyone can create, reach out to a qualified art therapist today and start communicating creatively!

Alexandra Steward serves as an intern at Family Solutions Counseling. She is currently pursuing a degree in Family Science from Oklahoma Christian University, with plans to attend an Art Therapy accredited program come Fall of 2021 following graduation.

Sources used for this article

Mehlomakulu, C. (2016, August 11). Media Choices in Therapy. https://creativityintherapy.com/2013/01/media-choices-in-therapy/.

Fabian, R. (2017). Healing Invisible Wounds: Art Therapy and PTSD. Healthline. https://www.healthline.com/health/art-therapy-for-ptsd#Takeaway.

Editorial, C. J. (2017, November 29). Who Can Benefit From Art Therapy? CureJoy. https://www.curejoy.com/content/benefits-of-art-therapy/.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month | Victoria James

October 6, 2020

Abuse thrives only in silence. You have the power to end domestic violence simply by shining a spotlight on it. – Leslie Steiner

I’ve thought a lot about what I wanted to say in honor of this month. Whether I wanted to spend time writing out stats and defining abuse, whether I wanted to talk to those supporting survivors, or to speak directly to survivors themselves.

There are plenty of websites that will define abuse and provide detailed information on how to identify domestic violence, resources for it, and what to do if you think someone you love is being abused. So rather than add to the list of already available resources (which I’ll include below)—I want to talk directly to survivors.

DEAR SURVIVORS

I want to say that this abuse is not your fault. I want you to know that you are worthy; and you are not crazy. That yes, you can still love your abuser and know the way you are being treated is wrong. That the positive portions of the relationship do hold value—and that they also do not excuse the abuse.

I’ve worked hundreds of hours with abuse survivors in all stages of their relationships. What I have said to them and what I want to say to you is that you deserve more. Just because they “only” abuse when. . . doesn’t excuse it when it happens. A 1 of 10 on the abuse scale is still so much worse than what you deserve. You deserve to not be abused at all.

I know you want it to be possible for you to be “good” enough to make the abuse stop. I know that you tell yourself, “if I just. . . then they won’t.” And yet—nothing you can do will justify the abuse or change the behaviors of another person. Your behaviors are all that is in your control. You are not responsible for the way someone else treats you.

I want to say that I don’t blame you for staying. That I understand that staying is sometimes the safest option for yourself and your children. I am with you and hear you as you do and say what you need to do in order to best protect yourself. No one but you can decide what that “best” thing is.

Your safety and your empowerment are my number one priority. There are resources available if you want them—some even for free. We can create a safety plan no matter what your relationship looks like. You are not alone.

Even if they have never physically harmed you, you can still say that you are experiencing abuse. Even if they have never raised their voice at you. Even if they have never called you a nasty name. If you feel like you no longer have control over your own life, what you wear, how you spend your money, who you talk too—that is the essence of abuse. That alone counts and is enough.

WHAT OTHERS ARE SAYING

I asked my community what they would say to a survivor of abuse if they could say anything. I want to share those responses with you:

“You were not seeking attention. You were seeking help.”
“It is not your fault.”
“You are not powerless. This doesn’t have to be forever.”
“You are worthy. You don’t deserve this and you are allowed to walk away. Abuse is abuse and it doesn’t have to be physical for it to be painful so never doubt yourself.”
“You can break the cycle. It doesn’t have to be this way for generations to come. You don’t have to grow up and have that kind of relationship yourself.”
“I believe you. It is not your fault.”
“Help is available for no cost. There are Domestic Violence Crisis centers available to you.”
“The abuse does not define you.”
“There is hope. You are not alone.”
“You survived. That was your only job.”
“You are brave. You are worthy.”

RESOURCES

If you are questioning whether or not what you are experiencing is abuse, I encourage you to contact a professional who has been trained to talk about it. If you want help, there are resources.

If you reside in the state of Oklahoma, you can receive free counseling, advocacy, and shelter services at:

You are also more than welcome to contact me or another provider that is working in your state or area.

For more domestic violence awareness and information:

https://www.breakthecycle.org

www.thehotline.org

www.ncadv.org

Victoria James is licensed professional counselor candidate in the state of Oklahoma. She is currently a practitioner at Family Solutions Counseling in the OKC Metro area where she works with individuals and couples struggling with sexual-related matters, trauma, and domestic violence.

Trauma Leaves a Mark, Even if You Can’t See It | Hanah Barnard

September 15, 2020

“Some people’s lives seem to flow in a narrative, mine had many stops and starts. That’s what trauma does. It interrupts the plot… It just happens, and then life goes on. No one prepares you for it.” – Jessica Stern

My dog Finnley is truly my pride and joy. Finnley is a pretty timid Australian Shepherd who is scared of many things. However, he has one particular fear that surpasses all the others – balloons! Three years ago when Finnley was just a puppy, I threw a birthday party which included some balloons on the floor for decoration. Being a curious puppy, of course he had to go investigate the big objects that looked like toys. To no one’s surprise the balloon popped as soon as it touched his sharp puppy teeth, sending him into a panic of howls and barks from the loud noise. We’ve had a handful of events involving balloons since then, and each time Finnley shows that he hasn’t forgotten the incident from his puppyhood. The mere sight of a balloon causes him to shake, whimper, and hide in the nearest closet.

So what does my dog’s fear of balloons have to do with anything? Like Finnley, most of us have experienced a traumatic event in our lives to some degree. What we define as trauma varies. A situation that I experience to be traumatic may have little to no impact on you. While some may be able to easily move past trauma, for others it can completely inhibit their ability to function in day to day life.

What Exactly Is Trauma?

When you hear the word “trauma” maybe the first thing that comes to mind is a physical injury, like a broken bone or a deep cut. Injuries like this are easy for others to see, you can go to the hospital for treatment and everyone understands the pain that you are in. But what about psychological trauma – something others can’t see? This trauma comes from an event or series of events that you experience to be harmful or potentially life threatening and can leave a long-lasting impression. Trauma can feel quite isolating. It’s harder for others to understand the pain you’re in when they can’t physically see the wounds. Psychological trauma can come in three different forms:

Acute Trauma – This results from a single traumatic event, like being in a car crash.
Chronic Trauma – This comes from repeated and prolonged exposure to a traumatic event. This can be seen in victims of domestic violence and abuse.
Complex Trauma – This comes from exposure to varied and multiple traumatic events. Complex trauma can be difficult to identify. You might not be able to point to a specific event in your life that caused the trauma, however that does not make it less impactful. An example of this could be childhood neglect or abuse from multiple people in your life.

Regardless of the type and cause, all trauma can have detrimental effects on an individual’s life. It can develop into Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), with symptoms including:

Flashbacks – reliving the trauma as if it were happening again. Certain sounds, smells, locations, and situations associated with the trauma can trigger a flashback.
Avoidance – avoiding people, places, and situations associated with the trauma
Changes in arousal – becoming easily startled, having trouble sleeping and concentrating
Other unsettling experiences, like nightmares and increased anxiety.

Our body’s response to trauma serves to protect ourselves from danger. But our bodies aren’t able to tell that time has passed and that we aren’t actually in danger anymore. Anxiety and a quick startle response are beneficial in the face of danger but becomes damaging when they persist once the threat is gone. PTSD also brings along an increased risk of other mental illnesses such as depression, substance abuse, and addiction.

Trauma is Not Just “In Your Head!”

“Just get over it!”

“It happened so long ago!”

“You gotta let it go”

Maybe you’ve heard these phrases before. The ambiguity surrounding emotional or psychological often makes it difficult for others to understand what you’re experiencing. However, maybe you are suffering from a traumatic event or series of events in your life, but don’t feel like your trauma is “big” enough. Other people have been through worse, so you should just get over it, right? But trauma is much more than just a story or something that happened long ago. No matter how big or small, trauma leaves a mark. It affects your mind, body, and brain. Yes, your brain is in your head, but trauma is not simply “in your head” – it’s real!

In fact, experiencing trauma can literally change the brain! The brain areas most affected by trauma are the:

Amygdala: Responsible for controlling aggression and perceiving emotions, especially fear and anger.
Hippocampus: Mostly involved in storing long-term memories.
Prefrontal Cortex: Plays a role in personality, planning, attention, and memory.

Each of these parts of the brain do some majorly important stuff! They make us who we are. The physical and psychological changes caused by trauma impact your capacity for pleasure, trust, engagement, and self-control. It’s as if every new experience you have is contaminated by the past. So maybe trauma doesn’t leave a physical mark, but the emotional and psychological effects are still ever present, nonetheless.

While I’m unsure if Finnely’s canine brain will ever heal from his balloon-trauma, I do believe there is hope for most human brains – that’s you! The trauma that you experienced cannot be undone, but the good news is that the aftermath can be dealt with using a variety of therapeutic methods and techniques. If you think the troubles you might be experiencing are possibly due to trauma wounds that have not healed properly, then please reach out to a qualified therapist in your area to find the best treatment plan for you.

You have suffered long enough. Take action today!

Hanah Barnard, B.A. is a contributing writer for this blog site. Hanah earned her degree in Psychology from the University of Arkansas. She currently serves as office manger for Family Solutions Counseling. Her fur-baby, Finnley, is pictured here.

Managing Your Superpower [Part 2]: What Recovering Sex Addicts Can Learn from Mister Rogers

July 3, 2020

I don’t know about you, but I am fascinated by Fred Rogers! Something you may or may not find odd about my fascination is that until recently I only knew of Mister Rogers by name; I had never even seen a single episode of the classic children’s program Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood. If you’re curious as to how a middle-aged therapist from the plains of Oklahoma all of a sudden became mesmerized by the man known as Mister Rogers, then I would encourage you to read part one of this two-part series – What Mister Rogers Has in Common with Sex Addicts.

As outlined in the aforementioned article, I am convinced that Fred Rogers was an empath, which, in my opinion, means that he encompassed a superpower that left to its own devices, could be very hard to manage from day-to-day. You may think that the superpower I speak of is empathy, which may be defined as “the ability to imagine oneself in the condition of another…”. While this is true, empaths experience empathy much differently than most people from my experience. It seems to me that most people have to be very intentional with their empathy. It’s often a skill set that grows and develops over time in humans, but it is never mastered. Empaths seem to come by empathy naturally; but not the type of empathy as defined above. Empaths experience empathy with more intensity and regularity. The Collins English Dictionary defines it best – the power of understanding and imaginatively entering into another’s feelings. For empaths like Fred Rogers, this is not just something they have to do from time to time as a healthy social and relational skill, it’s a way of life; and without proper management, it can be quite overwhelming. [check out Judith Orloff’s “Top 10 Traits of an Empath”]

As I established in part one, I believe that many people battling sex addiction share something in common with Mister Rogers – they, too, are empaths. A major difference between Mister Rogers and sex addicts, is that Fred Rogers somehow figured out how to manage this superpower in a way that may have been considered odd by some, but effective nonetheless. It is not uncommon for sex addicts to feel overwhelmed by their feelings, so in response they become exceptionally skilled at compartmentalizing. They are so good at this that addicts and their partners are often resistant to the idea that sex addicts feel too much, because it often appears they feel too little if anything at all. While it is true that not all sex addicts are empaths and the ones that are have to work diligently to reconnect with their empathic selves, feeling “too little” simply doesn’t fit from my experience in treating sex addicts. Sex addicts often feel the suffering of the world around them. Thus, when they do reconnect with their superpower, they need to learn to properly manage it.

What better person to learn how to manage this superpower than Fred Rogers? If you really think about it, his program – Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood – was all about teaching children and adults how to manage feelings. Here are a few lessons that sex addicts can learn from Mister Rogers on their journey to reconnect with their inner-empath and manage the superpower that lies therein.

“Do you know what the most important thing in the world is to me right now? Talking on the telephone to Lloyd Vogel.”

Mister Rogers was fully present. In the 2019 major motion picture, It’s a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood, Mister Rogers (portrayed by Tom Hanks) uttered those words during a telephone conversation with a journalist that had developed a reputation for being cynical and non-empathetic. They were barely into their conversation when Fred Rogers already had this jaded writer disarmed. But how? “What was his trick?“you might ask. Well, there could be many reasons, but I believe it was a combination of Mister Rogers’ authenticity and presence.

Have you ever thought how important it is to us be seen? Can you remember the last time you really felt seen and heard by another person? Fred Rogers seemed to be the type of person that gave his complete undivided attention when engaging with any one individual or group. I imagine he was the type of person that would have made you feel like you were the only two people in the world during the moments you spent with him. In doing so, he gave people a voice. You likely have heard the classic George Berkeley quote that goes “If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?” Well, let me ask it a different way, “If you are speaking your voice and no one is around to listen, did YOU make a sound?” The obvious answer is “of course I made a sound because I would have heard myself speak.” But, “making a sound” and “feeling heard” are two different things. Fred Rogers was present in such a way that not only did people feel heard, they believed that they mattered to him.

Sex addicts are usually ill-equipped at this skill. This makes sense given that they often manage their feelings by means of escape. For most sex addicts, reality often hasn’t been very kind to them; thus, they use distance strategies as a way of survival. Learning to be present in their full authentic selves completely goes against their natural instinct for survival. Mister Rogers demonstrated throughout his life and his work the power of an authentic presence. He shows us what it looks like to disarm and offer healing to another through the use of love and gentleness as opposed to force and violence. The challenge posed by his method implies that only the unarmed can effectively disarm. This sets the context for healing. Think of it this way. The lifeblood of a healthy relationship is vulnerability. Healing is found in vulnerability; and vulnerability begets more vulnerability.

“What about you, Tom? Did you have any special friends growing up?”

Mister Rogers made healthy use of his imagination. The above quote comes from a 1998 article in Esquire magazine authored by journalist, Tom Junod, called “Can You Say…Hero?” This is the publication in which the recent feature film was based. In the article, Fred Rogers is asking Tom Junod to tell him about his most special imaginary friend. Mr. Junod proceeds to dialogue with Mr. Rogers about Old Rabbit. After reading this, I remember thinking about how awkward it must have been for Mr. Junod, a grown man, to be asked in a very sincere way about his childhood imaginary friend by another grown man. It seemed strange, yet endearing.

How strange is it really? Can you imagine living in this world without the use of imagination? Books, television, movies, the entire entertainment industry, which is highly valued in our culture, is dependent on fantasy and the use of our imagination. Think about the last book you got lost in, or the last movie that had you on the edge of your seat, or that one play that made you cry. When we engage in such experiences, we know what we are seeing isn’t real, but it doesn’t feel that way. To our hearts, it feels very real – not all that different from an imaginary friend. Mister Rogers could have easily asked Mr. Junod about his favorite character in Lord of the Rings, or his feelings about what happened in chapter 27 of the Half-Blood Prince (….Harry Potter fans know what I’m talking about!!). But he didn’t. He wanted to know about something much more personal to Mr. Junod. He wanted to know more about Old Rabbit.

As part of my fascination with Mister Rogers, I listened to a fantastic podcast about his life called Finding Fred. In this iHeartRadio production, I learned why puppets and imaginary friends were so important to Mister Rogers. In a nutshell, for various reasons, a young Fred Rogers found it difficult to make friends among his peers. How lonely it must be for a child to go through life with no friends. Children are great survivors; and young Fred was no different. Since he couldn’t make friends, he literally MADE his friends. In fact, a couple of the characters you may have enjoyed from watching Mister Roger’s Neighborhood were actually young Fred’s childhood buddies. One of the most loveable of young Fred’s childhood comrades goes by the name of Daniel Tiger.

Sex addicts also use their imagination as a means for survival. Famous basketball player, Shaquille O’Neal, in his autobiography appropriately named Shaq Uncut, discusses abusive treatment he experienced as a child. He also talks about how he would get lost in his imagination visualizing himself as someone important. He even recalled a time in college when he would drive down the street pretending to talk on a fake car phone so other drivers would see how important he must be.

Utilizing the imagination as an effective tool for coping with trauma is simply a short-term solution constructed by your brain’s instinctual desire to keep you alive. Unlike Fred Rogers and Shaquille O’Neal, sex addicts don’t stop with their imagination, they also utilize secrecy and shame as part of their formula for survival. Shaq’s imagination helped him escape some very difficult realities he had endured in his childhood and young adulthood; but he ultimately utilized his imagination to help him advance to the NBA and will likely be known as the most powerful center to ever play the game. Young Fred Rogers used his imagination to create for himself much needed friends. His imagination and his make-believe friends led him to create a popular children’s program that spanned five decades where he impacted millions of children and families.

Mister Rogers and other icons, like Shaquille O’Neal, serve as great examples for sex addicts on how to use their imagination, as unorthodox as it may seem, in ways that spotlights identity, drives productivity, and encourages prosperity. As a sex addiction therapist, I will never fault or shame my clients for using their imagination for reasons of survival. I hope to teach them to not be afraid of their imagination, but to use it in a functional shame-free way that offers an avenue for effective coping strategies and the pursuit of dreams.

“There is no person in the whole world like you; and I like you just the way you are.”

Mister Rogers saw the world through the lens of compassion. The above quote is quite profound, is it not? To think that there are seven billion people on this planet and there is only ONE like me? That’s almost as special as it gets! My mind can’t even fathom it. The part that gets me the most about this quote is the second half – “…and I like you just the way you are.” How many of us can honestly say that about every person we meet?

I believe Fred Rogers was sincere in this statement; but, allow me to address what I think he is saying and what he is not saying. First of all, I don’t think Mister Rogers is saying that he can be friends with just anyone; but instead, he is saying that he can be friend-LY to just about everyone. Secondly, Mister Rogers isn’t saying that he never gets irritated or annoyed by people or that he doesn’t irritate or annoy other people. He is saying, however, that the experience of being the agitatOR or the agitatEE is okay because it is part of what makes us human. Lastly, Mister Rogers isn’t suggesting that we avoid making changes in our lives in effort to make way for a healthier, happier existence; however, he is saying that who we are at our core is good…..so why wouldn’t anyone like that?

As a mastered, functional empath, Fred Rogers seemed to be exceptional at seeing past the bullshit and into the goodness of each and every individual he encountered. If he were to encounter a sex addict, I have no doubt he’d use his x-ray vision to see through the armor of shame and deceit; he’d utilize his hulk-like strength to smash the barriers of denial; he’d use his sword of love to penetrate the heart to bring about life and healing; and he’d use his lasso of truth to reveal to you, the sex addict, who you really are – a good and valuable soul that is worth the trouble of saving.

“Feeling good about ourselves is essential in our being able to love others.”

Mister Rogers was an advocate for self-care. There is so much that can be learned from Mister Rogers when it comes to taking care of ourselves. I’d venture to say that most people, including Fred Rogers, would agree that self-care, although necessary, is not a task easily mastered. Here are a few lessons we can learn from the master himself.

Rituals. Developing a healthy ritual that is performed routinely is good for us. On Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood, every show begins with him entering the door, exchanging his coat for a sweater, then moving to the couch to change his shoes. When we have rituals like these, it helps our brains transition from one state of existence to another. Maybe Mister Rogers just came home from a hard day’s work and his clothing ritual helped his brain shift from work-mode to family-mode.
Mantras. I am a big fan of mantras. I, myself, find that I repeat a lot of the same things over and over again in my personal life. In my professional life, I like to share my mantras with my clients in effort to give them the words to help drive them forward. Mister Rogers also seemed to find value in mantras. “Won’t you be my neighbor” is a mantra that even I knew; and I never even watched his show as a kid. Mantras are good for us because they help us remember what is true and what is false, what is good and what is not-so good. Mantras help us to quiet the noise around us and focus on our purpose in life or even the task at hand.
Exercise. According the 2018 documentary “Won’t You Be My Neighbor?” and the 2019 major motion picture, “It’s a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood,” Fred Rogers swam a mile every morning. I think Fred Rogers knew he had a lot to offer the world and he had a responsibility to share it. Being responsible with the vessel he occupied – his body – was important to him; and taking care of it was the first thing he did on any given day before he did anything else. In other words, Fred Rogers loved others enough to love himself first.

There are so many other things we could talk about that would serve as evidence that Fred Rogers was an advocate for self-care. These were just a few that stood out to me.

Self-care is another challenge for sex addicts. Usually in the beginning stages of the development of addiction, the addict uses their drug of choice for enjoyment or even to “take the edge off.” They discover that the drug works so well, they start using it routinely and ultimately become dependent on it. As this happens, shame enters stage left and becomes the lead character in this story. Sex addicts usually feel an immense amount of shame. Over the course of treatment, they often learn that that shame has deep roots, but on the surface it appears they are riddled with shame simply and solely because of the nature of their addiction. This, in turn, leads them to feel like they are undeserving of anything good.

I think Fred Rogers understood something about love that a lot of people don’t – the best way to love another is to love yourself first. Although sex addicts have a hard time loving themselves, I believe them when they tell me how much they love the people that surround them – their spouses, children, parents, siblings, etc. – and they are tired of hurting them. My job then becomes and effort to try to help them see that the best way they can love the people around them is to learn to love themselves. In fact, if Fred Rogers were alive today and he were to come to my office and meet the sex addicts I work with, he would truthfully tell them that “there is no one in the world like you; and I like you just the way you are.” If sex addicts in treatment and recovery could learn to say those words to the person staring back at them in the mirror, and mean it, they just might find they have little to no use for their addict anymore.

I am grateful for the man commonly known as Mister Rogers. His life serves a good model, in my opinion, for what it means to live as a healthy human being in this world. This is true for sex addicts, too. Allow me to close this article with the following letter:

Dear Sex Addict, Tortured Soul, Hidden Empath,

I know it is hard for you to see that you are not the sum of your actions. Yes, your behavior likely has hurt people you care about; and it most definitely is not a sustainable way of life. But, what you DID is not who you ARE. As you work with your therapist, coach, or recovery team, I hope you can begin to see that you are a lot more like Mister Rogers than you realize today. You will begin to recognize that you hurt; that you suffer; and not just the pain that has been inflicted upon you in the past. But, you feel the pain of others, too. You’re often accused of seeing sex everywhere you turn; but the reality is that you likely see suffering everywhere you turn. This world assuredly has not been very kind to you; and it continues to poke at your wounds every time you see it injure another living soul. You may feel like it is too much to bear at times. I believe Mister Rogers felt these things, too. This keen awareness that I speak of is your superpower. If you are not already, I hope you will take the necessary steps to learn to harness this power; learn to manage it; and then use it for the good of humanity. Sadly, Fred Rogers was still human and he is gone from this world. The question remains, “Will you pick up the torch?” because our world needs another Mister Rogers in it……and this time, why stop with one?

Start your journey. Stay the course. Godspeed.

Joshua Nichols is a licensed marital & family therapist and certified sex addiction therapist. He is a co-owner of Family Solutions Counseling, a multi-therapist private practice group in the OKC metro area. He is also a co-owner of nourishED, an intensive outpatient treatment center for those suffering from eating disorders.

Managing Your Superpower [Part 1]: What Mister Rogers Has in Common with Sex Addicts

March 4, 2020

“Anything that is human is mentionable; and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable.” – Fred Rogers

I have a confession to make – although I am very familiar with the cultural icon, Mister Rogers, I didn’t exactly grow up watching Mister Roger’s Neighborhood, which aired from 1968-2001. I had never even seen an episode until recently. So, if you are wondering why I would be writing an article with Mister Rogers as a central theme, trust me, I am just as surprised as you are, maybe even more.

A few weeks ago, my wife’s birthday made its annual debut. In celebration of this fine day, I had already made plans to take her and the kids out to dinner. I asked her that if I could get a babysitter, would she also want to go to a movie? I wasn’t surprised that she jumped at the opportunity; we’ve always enjoyed watching a good story on the big screen. Later that day, she texted me that she wanted to see, “It’s a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood,” a biographical film based upon the real-life friendship of Fred Rogers (i.e., Mister Rogers) and Tom Junod – a journalist whose profile piece he wrote on Fred Rogers for Esquire inspired the movie.

In all honesty, I was a bit disappointed that this was the movie she wanted to see. I was kind of hoping for something that was a little more action-packed; but, since it was her birthday, I didn’t pout or complain. I ordered us the tickets and off to the cinema we went. It didn’t take long, maybe 10 or 15 minutes, before I leaned over toward my wife in the theater and whispered, “This movie is awesome!”

When I came out of that movie theater, I walked out a Mister Rogers fan! Since that time, I have read about Mister Rogers, watched several clips of Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood, engaged in quite a few conversations with older, more seasoned fans, and even listened to an entire podcast series devoted to him called “Finding Fred” hosted by best-selling author, Carvell Wallace. I am now trying to figure out how to incorporate his work in my therapy practice.

A Tortured Soul

Tom Hanks’ portrayal of Fred Rogers was quite amazing! Big surprise, huh? Hanks clearly depicts Rogers as an empath – a man deeply connected to the world around him, particularly with those that are suffering. He deeply cared for the lost and wounded. He felt drawn to them, like a magnet looking for right piece of metal. As I watched the life of Mister Rogers unfold on the big screen, I couldn’t shake the feeling that Mister Rogers was a tortured soul – a person tormented on a daily basis by the pain and suffering of the world; a person that simply feels too much. Oddly enough, I have often found myself saying the exact same thing about sex addicts in recovery. That connection is what inspired me to write this piece.

It feels weird coupling “Mister Rogers” and “Sex Addict” in the same sentence, much less the same story, right? Well, that is our shame and preconceived notions telling us that sex addicts are selfish, disgusting, and defective people. This couldn’t be further from the truth. The sex addicts I have worked with over the years are some of the best people on this planet in my opinion. I know many of my colleagues would attest to the same. They not only are your physicians, teachers, ministers, etc., they are also your brothers/sisters, mentors, best friends, and even your spouse. They are good people; but they are people that are hurting nonetheless.

“Hurt people, hurt people.” – Rick Warren

Sex addicts have been understandably labeled as non-empathetic, unfeeling, hard-hearted, and a number of other adjectives that suggest they are ill-equipped in the world of emotional connection. It’s true that most sex addicts do have trouble empathizing with others. I actually refer to empathy as “the sex addict’s Everest.” After all, sex addiction is commonly referred to as an attachment disorder. So it comes as no surprise that empathizing with others is quite the learning curve for sex addicts, but it is achievable nonetheless. The struggle here is not that sex addicts are emotionally stunted. Emotionally ill-equipped, yes, but being emotion-LESS or not having the ability to feel the emotion of others couldn’t be further from the truth. I think it is quite the opposite. You see, many sex addicts, similar to Fred Rogers, seemed to have this supernatural ability to deeply feel the suffering of the world. The difference between a sex addict and Fred Rogers is that Fred Rogers figured out how to appropriately manage this superpower; whereas, sex addicts learn to put their feelings in a box, duct tape it shut, and shove it all the way to the back of the shelf with the hope of never seeing it again. In short, sex addicts become expert compartmentalizers. They become so good at this, that over time they become emotionally illiterate to the point that trying to identify and describe their feelings would be like searching for a needle in a haystack. In fact, without working a recovery plan, I’d put my money on the needle.

Nothing Shy of a Superpower

When I am visiting with addicts about this phenomenon, I often refer to the ability to feel suffering as deeply as they do as the closest thing we have to superpower. In today’s world, we are fascinated with “superheroes.” Fictional heroes such as James Bond and Rocky Balboa seemed to have taken a back seat to comic book heroes, such as, Spiderman and Wonder Woman; and why wouldn’t they? After all, 007 may be the world’s most magnificent and untouchable spy, and the Italian Stallion can pack one helluva punch; but, Spider-Man and Wonder Woman have super powers!

Although Mister Rogers, sex addicts, and other empaths can’t fly or shoot laser beams from their eyes, they often do feel pain in ways that others can’t understand. I don’t think we are going to see that type of superpower in any upcoming Marvel movies, but the ability to feel the energy of suffering to the depths that they often do is nothing shy of a superpower in my book. The problem is that sex addicts, unlike Mister Rogers, tend to have a hard time managing those feelings without the help of a substance; but not just any substance – one that has the ability to open the flood gates of dopamine which creates quite the numbing affect. In fact, out of all the reward centers in our brain, there is no greater natural reward center than that of our sexual brain. For the sex addict it’s “Goodbye pain and suffering; hello momentary peace and tranquility.”

“If you cope with your darkness in darkness, you will likely do dark things to cope with it.” – Joshua Nichols

So, as it turns out, a lot of sex addicts, similar to Fred Rogers, experience suffering very deeply. Although they both use their imagination as a primary coping mechanism, sex addicts aren’t openly and honestly utilizing puppets and public servitude to manage those feelings; instead, fueled by shame and trauma, they venture into the darkest corner of the soul where they find secrecy and deceit. That kind of detachment combine with their genitals and a taste of the forbidden….well, let’s say it makes one amazing, yet, often devastating cocktail. Mister Rogers, however, wouldn’t be judgmental about this; my guess is that he would desire to help these tortured souls find peace and healing. He would want them to overcome their demons and learn to find joy and create harmony in their lives. You know why? Well, it’s quite simple. They deserve to be happy; and they deserve to be loved. Although Mister Rogers isn’t powerful enough to make anyone happy, he was exceptional at sharing his love.

As a sex addiction therapist, I don’t just want to therapize my clients. I also want them to experience from me a person that truly cares for them. I want to be someone that sees past all the smoke and mirrors and directly into the good that I believe them to be. I want to be a calm and nurturing presence that shows them a side of humanity that, although imperfect, doesn’t tear down, destroy, or abandon. I want them to know I see them and that they matter to me. I could never guarantee that I would be able to help them learn to do this for themselves, although that would be a goal; but maybe I could give them a taste of something that transcends addiction, trauma, and loss – LOVE!

I hope you found Part 1 of Managing Your Superpower interesting and maybe even enlightening. Stay tuned for Part 2 – What Recovering Sex Addicts Can Learn from Mister Rogers – where we look at the practices of Fred Rogers that may have made his life more manageable.

Joshua Nichols is a licensed marital & family therapist and certified sex addiction therapist. He is a co-owner of Family Solutions Counseling, a multi-therapist private practice group in the OKC metro area. He is also a co-owner of nourishED, an intensive outpatient treatment center for those suffering from eating disorders.

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