Name: Facing Trauma (for Men) | 10 Week Course | 7:30-9pm
Start: 2020-05-05T19:30:00+00:00
End: 2020-05-05T21:00:00+00:00
Location: Family Solutions Counseling

Managing Your Superpower [Part 1]: What Mister Rogers Has in Common with Sex Addicts

March 4, 2020

“Anything that is human is mentionable; and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable.” – Fred Rogers

I have a confession to make – although I am very familiar with the cultural icon, Mister Rogers, I didn’t exactly grow up watching Mister Roger’s Neighborhood, which aired from 1968-2001. I had never even seen an episode until recently. So, if you are wondering why I would be writing an article with Mister Rogers as a central theme, trust me, I am just as surprised as you are, maybe even more.

A few weeks ago, my wife’s birthday made its annual debut. In celebration of this fine day, I had already made plans to take her and the kids out to dinner. I asked her that if I could get a babysitter, would she also want to go to a movie? I wasn’t surprised that she jumped at the opportunity; we’ve always enjoyed watching a good story on the big screen. Later that day, she texted me that she wanted to see, “It’s a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood,” a biographical film based upon the real-life friendship of Fred Rogers (i.e., Mister Rogers) and Tom Junod – a journalist whose profile piece he wrote on Fred Rogers for Esquire inspired the movie.

In all honesty, I was a bit disappointed that this was the movie she wanted to see. I was kind of hoping for something that was a little more action-packed; but, since it was her birthday, I didn’t pout or complain. I ordered us the tickets and off to the cinema we went. It didn’t take long, maybe 10 or 15 minutes, before I leaned over toward my wife in the theater and whispered, “This movie is awesome!”

When I came out of that movie theater, I walked out a Mister Rogers fan! Since that time, I have read about Mister Rogers, watched several clips of Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood, engaged in quite a few conversations with older, more seasoned fans, and even listened to an entire podcast series devoted to him called “Finding Fred” hosted by best-selling author, Carvell Wallace. I am now trying to figure out how to incorporate his work in my therapy practice.

A Tortured Soul

Tom Hanks’ portrayal of Fred Rogers was quite amazing! Big surprise, huh? Hanks clearly depicts Rogers as an empath – a man deeply connected to the world around him, particularly with those that are suffering. He deeply cared for the lost and wounded. He felt drawn to them, like a magnet looking for right piece of metal. As I watched the life of Mister Rogers unfold on the big screen, I couldn’t shake the feeling that Mister Rogers was a tortured soul – a person tormented on a daily basis by the pain and suffering of the world; a person that simply feels too much. Oddly enough, I have often found myself saying the exact same thing about sex addicts in recovery. That connection is what inspired me to write this piece.

It feels weird coupling “Mister Rogers” and “Sex Addict” in the same sentence, much less the same story, right? Well, that is our shame and preconceived notions telling us that sex addicts are selfish, disgusting, and defective people. This couldn’t be further from the truth. The sex addicts I have worked with over the years are some of the best people on this planet in my opinion. I know many of my colleagues would attest to the same. They not only are your physicians, teachers, ministers, etc., they are also your brothers/sisters, mentors, best friends, and even your spouse. They are good people; but they are people that are hurting nonetheless.

“Hurt people, hurt people.” – Rick Warren

Sex addicts have been understandably labeled as non-empathetic, unfeeling, hard-hearted, and a number of other adjectives that suggest they are ill-equipped in the world of emotional connection. It’s true that most sex addicts do have trouble empathizing with others. I actually refer to empathy as “the sex addict’s Everest.” After all, sex addiction is commonly referred to as an attachment disorder. So it comes as no surprise that empathizing with others is quite the learning curve for sex addicts, but it is achievable nonetheless. The struggle here is not that sex addicts are emotionally stunted. Emotionally ill-equipped, yes, but being emotion-LESS or not having the ability to feel the emotion of others couldn’t be further from the truth. I think it is quite the opposite. You see, many sex addicts, similar to Fred Rogers, seemed to have this supernatural ability to deeply feel the suffering of the world. The difference between a sex addict and Fred Rogers is that Fred Rogers figured out how to appropriately manage this superpower; whereas, sex addicts learn to put their feelings in a box, duct tape it shut, and shove it all the way to the back of the shelf with the hope of never seeing it again. In short, sex addicts become expert compartmentalizers. They become so good at this, that over time they become emotionally illiterate to the point that trying to identify and describe their feelings would be like searching for a needle in a haystack. In fact, without working a recovery plan, I’d put my money on the needle.

Nothing Shy of a Superpower

When I am visiting with addicts about this phenomenon, I often refer to the ability to feel suffering as deeply as they do as the closest thing we have to superpower. In today’s world, we are fascinated with “superheroes.” Fictional heroes such as James Bond and Rocky Balboa seemed to have taken a back seat to comic book heroes, such as, Spiderman and Wonder Woman; and why wouldn’t they? After all, 007 may be the world’s most magnificent and untouchable spy, and the Italian Stallion can pack one helluva punch; but, Spider-Man and Wonder Woman have super powers!

Although Mister Rogers, sex addicts, and other empaths can’t fly or shoot laser beams from their eyes, they often do feel pain in ways that others can’t understand. I don’t think we are going to see that type of superpower in any upcoming Marvel movies, but the ability to feel the energy of suffering to the depths that they often do is nothing shy of a superpower in my book. The problem is that sex addicts, unlike Mister Rogers, tend to have a hard time managing those feelings without the help of a substance; but not just any substance – one that has the ability to open the flood gates of dopamine which creates quite the numbing affect. In fact, out of all the reward centers in our brain, there is no greater natural reward center than that of our sexual brain. For the sex addict it’s “Goodbye pain and suffering; hello momentary peace and tranquility.”

“If you cope with your darkness in darkness, you will likely do dark things to cope with it.” – Joshua Nichols

So, as it turns out, a lot of sex addicts, similar to Fred Rogers, experience suffering very deeply. Although they both use their imagination as a primary coping mechanism, sex addicts aren’t openly and honestly utilizing puppets and public servitude to manage those feelings; instead, fueled by shame and trauma, they venture into the darkest corner of the soul where they find secrecy and deceit. That kind of detachment combine with their genitals and a taste of the forbidden….well, let’s say it makes one amazing, yet, often devastating cocktail. Mister Rogers, however, wouldn’t be judgmental about this; my guess is that he would desire to help these tortured souls find peace and healing. He would want them to overcome their demons and learn to find joy and create harmony in their lives. You know why? Well, it’s quite simple. They deserve to be happy; and they deserve to be loved. Although Mister Rogers isn’t powerful enough to make anyone happy, he was exceptional at sharing his love.

As a sex addiction therapist, I don’t just want to therapize my clients. I also want them to experience from me a person that truly cares for them. I want to be someone that sees past all the smoke and mirrors and directly into the good that I believe them to be. I want to be a calm and nurturing presence that shows them a side of humanity that, although imperfect, doesn’t tear down, destroy, or abandon. I want them to know I see them and that they matter to me. I could never guarantee that I would be able to help them learn to do this for themselves, although that would be a goal; but maybe I could give them a taste of something that transcends addiction, trauma, and loss – LOVE!

I hope you found Part 1 of Managing Your Superpower interesting and maybe even enlightening. Stay tuned for Part 2 – What Recovering Sex Addicts Can Learn from Mister Rogers – where we look at the practices of Fred Rogers that may have made his life more manageable.

Joshua Nichols is a licensed marital & family therapist and certified sex addiction therapist. He is a co-owner of Family Solutions Counseling, a multi-therapist private practice group in the OKC metro area. He is also a co-owner of nourishED, an intensive outpatient treatment center for those suffering from eating disorders.

Theraplay®: Changing the World One Playful Interaction at a Time | by Nancy Soliz

February 21, 2020

ID 87738431 © Konstantin Yuganov | Dreamstime.com

“If you want to change the world, go home and love your family.” – Mother Teresa

For the twelfth time this morning, I am telling my daughter to get her shoes on or we will be late for school. She fumbles again trying to find the right pair of shoes to complete her ensemble while scarfing down an Eggo^TM on the way out the door. I have pleaded with her, I have bargained, and dare say I have raised my voice to get us in the car. My daughter has ignored me, refused my request, and shed a few tears before the seat belt was reluctantly clicked. On the drive to school, we are both feeling frustrated with our morning, and honestly with each other. These moments in parenting are not my favorite. Fortunately, these moments are not very frequent as I have found ways to help in nurturing our attachment and the importance of our connection throughout the day and our relationship.

What is Attachment and Why Is It So Important in Parenting?

Attachment can be both a simple and a complex topic to describe. In its simplest form, attachment is a feeling of being connected to someone or something else. We can have an attachment to our favorite restaurant, that perfect pair of jeans, or that one seat in the conference room that provides just the right amount of obstruction that prevents us from being called to share in staff meetings. These attachments can help us feel a sense of safety and security, but attachment with objects or things does not provide the complexity that attachment with others does. An attachment to an object is a one-sided relationship. We don’t have to think much about what the other thing needs or wants to be adequately attached. The addition of another person adds complexity. This complexity grows exponentially in the caregiver-child attachment. Numerous studies show that the parent-child bond is more than a parent just providing for a child’s basic needs. (See Harlow’s Monkeys or studies on orphanages where babies receive little to no physical contact.) This need for authentic connection to our children is biological, and needed for our survival.

To have a secure attachment, many things are happening in our brains. When thinking about the infant-parent relationship, let’s consider an interaction of a feeding as attachment building. As a parent, we may notice our child getting upset and showing signs of hunger by turning their head and trying to suck on their hand. When this happens, we pick up the baby and meet that need. During the feeding, we interact with the baby by giving knowing smiles, eye contact, and praise for their uniqueness. This interaction over and over again builds regulation. Regulation is the ability for a child to gain control over their body and emotional state. Infants and children rely on a caregiver to help in building a regulation process. This process is called co-regulation. As with my interaction with my daughter, my inability in the moment to regulate my body cause her to become further dysregulated. This is because children rely heavily on adults in their lives to co-regulate with them.

As parents, it is most helpful to be able to attune to our children in order to help with co-regulation. In the example of the infant-parent feeding, attunement is when the parent started to see the cues from the infant before they started crying to meet the need. For some parents, both co-regulation and attunement can be fairly simple to achieve most of the time. Maybe as a child, you had a consistent and caring caregiver that provided a secure attachment, and were given the blueprints on how to attach to your child in a very natural way. For other parents, you may have had a rocky start in your own relationship with your parents and are trying to do things differently with your own children. Perhaps as a parent you experienced a secure attachment, but things went awry somewhere in your relationship with your child. Maybe the child is adopted, has a different temperament or behaviors, or even a trauma has strained this ability to connect. For those people, Theraplay^® may be a treatment model to consider in helping your child with regulation and nurturing a loving parent-child attachment.

What Makes Theraplay^® Work on Attachment and Behaviors?

Theraplay^® is included on the U.S. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) as an evidenced-based practice. In lay terms, this means that a lot of research has been done to show that the model is effective. The model is considered a dyadic model in which both the caregiver and child are actively involved. After an initial assessment with the parent and child, the parent and Theraplay^® practitioner meet to discuss the relational interactions of the assessment. Both the assessment and treatment are focused on four key dimensions of a parent-child relationship:

Structure – The ability for the child to feel safe with the adult in the lead and the child to follow the adult’s direction. The parent is also confident in their role as a leader and is able to relay clear expectations to the child.
Engagement – The ability to be fully present with the other. When fully engaged, the parent is attuned to the child’s needs.
Nurture – The ability for the parent to provide physical touch, safety, and care to the child and for the child to receive affection and care.
Challenge – The ability for the parent to challenge their child in an age-appropriate way, while the child is able to feel confident in trying to rise to the challenge whether or not they can meet their goal.

As you can see, all dimensions have an ‘if then, then that’ aspect of a relationship. All sessions are recorded so that parents can meet with the clinician to view nuances of the attachment relationship that can be modified in session and beyond. Throughout the parent sessions, regulation and dysregulation are topics in which the parent and practitioner discuss how their individual child achieves optimal regulation to help with any behavioral problems that may be occurring at home or school. When the child feels comfortable and secure in their relationship with their parent while the parent also feels confident and connected with their child, lasting change can occur.

Tonight, when I get the chance to see my daughter after work, I will work on repairing our relationship. We both need time to reconnect and attune with each other after a difficult morning. I want to take care of her and help her feel nurtured and safe. I also need to take that time for myself as well. As I look back now, I realize I needed to work on regulating myself in that moment so that she can co-regulate with me. As a parent, it is my job to care for myself and create time for self-reflection, finding a space where I can feel nurtured, safe, and optimally regulated. This parenting journey isn’t always easy, but it is so incredibly worth it. One of my favorite quotes on the importance of this journey was spoken by Mother Teresa, “If you want to change the world, go home and love your family.” We can change the world through parenting, and if you want assistance on the journey, I would encourage you to find a qualified Theraplay^® practitioner in your area.

~ Nancy Soliz ~
Licensed Marital & Family Therapist
Registered Play Therapist-Supervisor
Certified Theraplay^® Practioner

Three Lessons from Mister Rogers to Help Your Child Develop Emotional Intelligence | by Julie Perna

January 29, 2020

*Mr. Rogers with Daniel Tiger from pbs.org*

“I feel that if we in public television can only make it clear that feelings are mentionable and manageable, we will have done a great service for mental health.” – Fred Rogers

I have been thinking a lot about Mister Rogers lately. It seems that with little ones in our home, we watch Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood or Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood (a Mister Rogers spin-off) every day. And with the recent movie release of A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood, based on the real-life relationship of Fred Rogers and a journalist, it seems that we are seeing or hearing about Mister Rogers around every corner of our neighborhoods again.

As I watch Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood, I am amazed by how ahead of his time Fred Rogers seemed to be with understanding children and their emotions. I recently learned that this is, in part, due to his close work with child psychologist Margaret McFarland, with whom he reviewed the television content as he developed episodes. We can learn many lessons from Fred Rogers’ work, but in this post I want to hone in on his ability to help children identify, express, and manage emotion (i.e., emotional intelligence), and how you as a parent or caregiver can help the children in your life develop these skills too.

Teach your child how to identify and express what they are feeling.

In 1969 before the U.S. Senate, Fred Rogers stated, “I feel that if we in public television can only make it clear that feelings are mentionable and manageable, we will have done a great service for mental health.” I believe this also applies to parenting and otherwise caring for children. We give our children a special gift when we teach them to identify and express their feelings.

The first step in teaching a child to manage emotions is to teach them the words to express emotion. There are some simple ways to begin building your child’s emotional vocabulary. One way is reading books designed to explain and illustrate different emotions. One of my favorites is “The Way I Feel” by Janan Cain. This book goes through 13 different emotions with beautiful pictures that visually depict emotion. As you read this book or ones that are similar, you can ask your child to describe times when he or she felt the same way and give examples from your own life. Another idea is to sit down and watch your child’s favorite television show with them and label the feelings you see in the characters. You might say, “Sally looks sad,” or, “Jimmy seems to be very frustrated. What do you think?” Not only does talking about these characters’ feelings increase your child’s ability to understand their own emotional world, but it is also a key to developing empathy – the ability to understand what another person is feeling.

Give your child time to talk about what they are thinking and feeling.

During his programs, Mister Rogers often asks children questions like, “Did you talk to someone you love last night about the things you were wondering about?” He also ends every episode singing about the next time he will “meet” the children on his show: “You’ll have things you’d like to talk about. I will too.”

In my work with children, I am often surprised by how quickly I see change in children and teenagers who are just given the space to talk about what they are feeling. It’s true that in therapy we do more than just talk about feelings; We move on to find ways to create change in a child’s life. Nonetheless, acknowledging feelings is foundational, and giving a child space to talk is one of the first steps in gaining clarity on what a child is truly thinking and feeling.

This may sound simple, but in the rush of our fast-paced lives we can forget about the importance of listening. A good way to solve this problem is to create a listening ritual, a regular time every day when you take time to ask your children about what they are thinking and feeling. This might be every morning when you drive your child to school, at dinnertime, or as a part of their bedtime routine. Having a listening ritual will not only remind you to take the time to listen to your child every day, but you will have the added benefit of developing a stronger relationship with your child.

Model for your child healthy ways of expressing and managing your emotions in daily life.

Children look to the caregivers in their lives to show them how to navigate the world. This is why modeling healthy ways of expressing and managing your emotions is so important. When you feel a strong emotion, it is almost certain that your child perceives it, whether through your words, tone, or other body language. In these situations it is much better to guide children than to leave them to make inexperienced assumptions, so children benefit when their caregiver is self aware and intentional. Practically speaking, you can do this by using words to say what you’re feeling, what caused your feeling, different possible ways of responding to the feeling, and how you are going to respond to the feeling and situation in a healthy way. Then do it. Model the healthy, mature response to your child. This is hard, by the way, because it means we need to have mature emotional responses to the world.

One of the reasons I think Mister Rogers is so special and effective is that he does this very well. He often articulates how he or his puppets are feeling in a variety of situations that impact children emotionally – everything from common everyday experiences, like making mistakes and enjoying music, to some of the hardest subjects, like divorce and the assassination of Robert F. Kennedy. Then he or his puppets adeptly talk about and act out how to handle these situations.

One of my favorite examples of Mister Rogers doing this is in the following song. He sings it in response to a situation where, as he says, “nothing seems to be working out right today”. He sings:

What do you do with the mad that you feel
When you feel so mad you could bite?
When the whole wide world seems oh, so wrong…
And nothing you do seems very right?

What do you do? Do you punch a bag?
Do you pound some clay or some dough?
Do you round up friends for a game of tag?
Or see how fast you go?

It’s great to be able to stop
When you’ve planned a thing that’s wrong,
And be able to do something else instead
And think this song:

I can stop when I want to
Can stop when I wish
I can stop, stop, stop any time.
And what a good feeling to feel like this
And know that the feeling is really mine.
Know that there’s something deep inside
That helps us become what we can.
For a girl can be someday a woman
And a boy can be someday a man.

This song is a good example because he acknowledges he is feeling mad, gives examples of healthy ways to handle anger, and makes it clear that we can choose our response to the anger. With his final line, “For a girl can someday be a woman and a boy can be someday a man”, I believe Mister Rogers is teaching that a girl or boy can grow into a woman or man – and that should be their goal – but if they do not learn the skills in this song, they may become an adult who still responds like a child. This connects to the idea of modeling that I mentioned above. Who can better teach and show children what it means to be a woman or man than the adults who are closest to them?

The more a child learns to understand and manage their emotions as a child, the greater their capacity will be to handle the emotions of adulthood, where responsibilities, problems, and consequences are considerably greater. So I ask you:

How do you model management of emotion to your children? What are you teaching your child when you have conflict with your spouse, when you are grieving the loss of a dearly loved one, when someone cuts you off in traffic, or when you are discussing politics with other adults?

Our children are watching our every move, listening to our words, and imitating us as they try to figure out how to navigate the world. We as parents and caregivers are their first and greatest teachers. We can help our children by paying close attention to how we talk about our feelings and by taking the time to explain to them how we are dealing with day-to-day problems.

As I mentioned above, these can be difficult skills to live out and we won’t do them perfectly. What we all can do is strive to do our best, and if we are struggling to help our children develop emotionally, we should admit our mistakes to our children and get help. This may mean finding a parenting mentor or seeking out a trained therapist to help you, your child, or your family.

Julie Perna is licensed marital & family therapist in the state of Oklahoma. She owns and operates her private practice, Tree of Life Family Therapy, in the OKC metro area where one of her primary focuses is working with families and teens.

3 Reasons You Should Do Sex Therapy | by Victoria James

January 14, 2020

“Am I supposed to be a freak in the sheets or a lady in the streets?”

What comes to mind when you hear “sex therapist?” Can you imagine doing therapy with a central focus on sex and sexuality? Shoot, most of us have a hard time even saying the word “sex” without whispering, much less talking about it in detail to a perfect stranger. Why is that? Well, one reason is because of how our shame culture works when it comes to sex and sexuality; but, another reason has to with the nature of the sexual relationship.

Our sexuality is a very intimate part of our existence; and, with intimacy comes vulnerability. I would argue that the sexual part of a committed relationship is the apex of intimacy and vulnerability in that relationship. So, if sex is the most intimate part of our relationships, then it is likely the part of our relationship that potentially could be the most painful. That level of vulnerability makes even talking about it a very difficult task. Couple that with shame culture……WHEW…… can we change the topic now?

The reality is that there is a need for sex therapists in our world and sex therapy in your relationship. Just like you might bring in a financial advisor to help you with your money, or a drug and alcohol counselor to assist you in your recovery, or a dietitian to help you with your poor nutritional habits, sex therapists are available to help you discover and/or develop your own individual and couple sexuality so that you can experience the pleasurable rewards that this ultimate form of intimacy can afford you.

In case you are still wondering if sex therapy is right for you, I have put together three simple, but important reasons you should consider finding a sex therapist. Here they are:

1. Sex is Fun, But Complicated

Sex is one of those things that we are simultaneously over and under exposed to. We receive a hundred different messages about sex each day. Starting from the time we are children, we are exposed to sex in music, advertisements, movies, and television. Oddly enough, while witnessing sexual content is a part of our daily lives, we are also embarrassingly uninformed about healthy sexuality.

In Oklahoma, there is no state mandated sex education. Often, the sex education we are exposed to is shame based and lacking in information. I mean, how many of us experienced Mean Girls-type sex ed?

“Don’t have sex because you will get pregnant and die! Don’t have sex in the missionary position. Don’t have sex standing up; just don’t do it, okay, promise? Okay, now everybody take some rubbers.” – Coach Carr (portrayed by Dwayne Hill in movie, Mean Girls)

These conflicting messages can leave us feeling like we are “supposed” to know how to be super sexy and also feeling like asking for information on sex is a big “no-no.” Then what do we do? Am I supposed to be a sexy freak in the sheets or a lady in the streets? How on earth do I do both? Should I be mad that my partner watches porn, or is that “normal”? What if I want sex once a day and I have a partner who is only interested in having sex once a month—how do we find a sex life balance that is satisfying for us both? What if I can’t manage to reach orgasm, even if I am masturbating? What if I have difficulty maintaining an erection? What if I really want to try BSDM but am unsure how to bring that up to my partner? Are my desires “freaky”? What does that say about me? Lions, vulvas, and bears—oh my!

Take a deep breathe. Assisting with these exact questions is the reason that sex therapists exist. If you’ve ever asked one of them, seeing a sex therapist may be a great option for you!

2. Breakthrough the Shame

“Sex is dirty. Sex is bad. Save it for someone you love.” ~Unhelpful Advice Giver

How many of us were raised with the thought that sex is “bad”—that sex is what “dirty” people do? Even if we are taught “sex is a great wonderful thing—in the confines of marriage”, we can be left feeling like our sexuality is a naughty, sinful thing when done “too soon”.

I have had so many people talk to me about shame-based sex education they have received that damaged their ability to have a happy, healthy sex life. An example of this shame based education you may be familiar with is the “tape example.” In this example, young girls are given a piece of tape. These girls are then told to take this tape and stick it on another person’s arm and then another, until it becomes dirty and loses its ability to “stick”. This lesson is supposed to illustrate that, just like tape becomes damaged after coming into contact with multiple people, so do we—as if we lose our worth as people when engaging in sex.

Having grown up being taught things like this—it can be hard to flip the switch in our minds from “sex is bad” to “it is okay for me to be a sexual being.” Often times, this shame associated with sex then harms our relationships—and harms our own mental and physical health.

It may be that the shame we feel around sex is not around sex in general—but a particular behavior or orientation. Maybe we’ve been taught that sex is fine—if it is missionary. Or we’ve been taught having same-sex attraction is shameful. Or that having more than one partner is inappropriate.

Talking with a sex therapist can help us break through that shame and open the possibility of having happy, healthy, fulfilling sex lives.

An Important Note: Sex therapists are not in the business of changing or undermining your value system. A quality sex therapist will understand the importance of your value system; thus, s/he will help you explore your individual and relational sexuality within the framework of your current value system. We are not here to change your morals, just support you in finding a happy balance within them.

3. Strengthen Your Knowledge and Understanding of Your Own Sexuality

Twenty-seven states currently mandate abstinence-only models be taught in schools, which means missing out on education about STIs and how to have healthy relationships. Only 12 states require that information provided during sex education be medically accurate—there are examples of students being taught you can get pregnant from a hot tub (you can’t, by the way—no matter what Glee tried to tell you). Only 8 states that require sex education be unbiased—meaning sex education can openly say that being gay is bad (Guttmacher Institute, 2016).

As stated above, Oklahoma (and so many other states) does not have any mandated sex education at all. There is a big potential that students coming out of Oklahoma schools will only have received education from TV and porn—not the two best places to find healthy sex.

What does this mean for us? It means we do not have a lot of information about our bodies, sexuality, or how to be sexual people. We simply haven’t been given the education.

The good news is, sex therapists receive an abundance of education and clinical training on sex and sexuality. They likely don’t have all the answers, but they are trained to help you find your specific and unique formula for healthy sexuality in your life and relationships.

It can be intimidating to reach out to a stranger to talk about something we have actively been taught not to talk about. Even if we are not experiencing shame around our sexuality, it can still be incredibly scary to become vulnerable with another person in the pursuit of health and happiness. Sex therapists understand that. They will work to have comfortable conversations and meet you where you are. They will provide support, validation, and care as you figure things out together. Most importantly, they help you get the sex you want; and getting the sex you want is a big deal.

In conclusion, if you feel like your life is lacking in the sexual arena, maybe it is time to seek out a sexpert to help you navigate through this part of your life, which can often be very messy. Are you in now? Excellent. Here are some resources for finding the right fit for you.

Find an AASECT certified sex therapist here, or contact me, Victoria James, if you believe I can be a good resource to you.

Victoria James
Licensed Professional Counselor Candidate
National Certified Counselor

Joshua Nichols
Licensed Marital & Family Therapist
Certified Sex Addiction Therapist

It Looks Like “Gaslighting,” but It’s NOT: Introducing Reflection Aggression.

November 15, 2019

If you are someone who finds value in educating yourself on mental health and relational issues, then you have likely heard of the phenomenon commonly referred to as “gaslighting.”

Cleverly named after the 1944 Ingrid Bergman film, Gaslight, “gaslighting” is a form of psychological control where one spouse manipulates the other into not trusting their own perceptions of reality. Partners that gaslight often do so in an effort to protect a secret by keeping their suspicious spouse or partner off their trail. After all, what better way to keep your spouse off your scent than to convince her that she* is the crazy one?!

[*Note: Although I do recognize that people of all genders can experience both addiction and betrayal, for reasons of convenience and flow, I will be referring to certain parties in gender specific terms. The “injured spouse/partner” will be recognized as female and the “addict/unfaithful partner” will be recognized as male.]

This disturbing form of manipulation does not limit itself to the sociopaths and psychopaths of the world. It may or may not surprise you that gaslighting is a common experience in relationships where addiction is present. Therefore, as you can imagine, gaslighting is an extremely common phenomenon experienced by partners of sex addicts. Thus, in sex addiction recovery, it is imperative for couples to address the injuries as a result of gaslighting behavior and other damaging forms of manipulation.

“Is it possible that my partner is gaslighting me?” – said every sex addict

In my work as a clinician and facilitator of sex addiction treatment and betrayal trauma recovery, this is one of the most common questions asked by sex addicts – not right away though. Usually, in the beginning stages of recovery, the sex addict finds that he is highly motivated to work a recovery program due to the experience of intense guilt and shame from seeing the pain and suffering his behavior has caused his partner [and sometimes family]. As a result, with the guidance of a recovery professional, the sex addict is willing to jump through all kinds of hoops to ease the suffering of the injured partner in effort to move toward healing. Thus, one of the main requests, or should I say “demands,” made by the injured partner is, “Go get help!” Abracadabra! And just like that, the addict begins his recovery journey. Okay, okay…..it’s not necessarily that clean, but you get the picture.

After several weeks, and sometimes months, of hard work in recovery, the addict starts to experience a strange phenomenon wherein his partner seems to resist his recovery efforts and even may become downright hostile toward him. We explain to the addict that this is normal human behavior. It’s human nature to mistrust new experiences and behaviors especially when they are coming from someone who has historically and chronically lied to us. You can imagine how amplified this form of skepticism can be for the injured partner when experiencing new behavior and energy from the person who wounded them. Although this skepticism is at times expressed in anger by the injured partner, reflection aggression has not yet entered the picture.

At this stage of recovery, the injured partner is likely experiencing a different phenomenon that my colleague and I have termed, Transitional Distrust. Transitional distrust is something that recovering couples experience when learning to trust new processes in the new relationship they are building. This phenomenon is discussed with more detail in a blog I co-authored called, “What Is Transitional Distrust in Betrayal Trauma Recovery?” However, the statement below captures the conundrum of transitional distrust in partners of sex addicts.

“I don’t know what to think. Maybe he is ‘doing recovery’ and becoming the person I deserve to be with. Or….maybe he has mastered the art of deception and figured out a way to fool me without leaving behind any breadcrumbs!”

This fear might seem a bit embellished to you, but let me assure you, it is not! One difficult reality check for partners of addicts is that when it comes to facing what people are truly capable of – all bets are off! The injured partner abruptly realizes that the expression, “My partner would NEVER do that,” is no longer a truth in their new reality. They intuitively know that adopting such philosophies in their new reality would be back-sliding into denial and thereby setting themselves up for more pain and heartache. Therefore, it makes sense that partners impacted by betrayal trauma can’t allow themselves to blindly trust the recovery efforts of their unfaithful partners, which is why addicts experience the initial pushback as they advance in recovery. As the new relationship, and the trust therein, transitions, partners will often test its legitimacy through skepticism, anger, and many other unpleasant behaviors and feelings. But, again, this is not reflection aggression; that comes later.

“Remember, you’re the one that did this to us! You’re the one that did this to me!”

These words typically are not unfamiliar to the sex addict as he advances in his own recovery. His wounded partner has said these words (or something similar) many times over in the days and weeks following the traumatic discovery of his infidelity and secrecy. As a result of intense shame and guilt, the addict often has this same message playing on a continuous loop inside his own head. More often than not, by the time the couples reaches my office, the addict knows he is guilty. Every time he looks at his partner he witnesses an overwhelming amount of evidence of the pain he has caused her.

What is typically puzzling to the addict is that after weeks, and sometimes months, into working his recovery plan, his partner continues to remind him of the pain and suffering he has caused by his infidelities. In turn, he begins to question his recovery efforts – “Am I truly getting better? I feel better. I’m doing what is being asked of me by her. I am following the recommendations made by the experts. Heck, I can even feel myself doing this for me and not just for her. But, maybe these are just more lies that I am telling myself. Maybe my addict is still steering the ship. I feel like I’m going crazy!”

This is a common process for many recovering sex addicts who are in a committed relationship. As addicts ponder on these thoughts and feelings, they often discover a strange familiarity in what they are currently experiencing from their partner in comparison to what their partners have experienced from them when they were active in their addiction. By this time, they are well aware of the clinical term for such behavior – gaslighting. Upon making this connection, they are eager to bring it to my attention – Is it possible that my partner is gaslighting me?

“You are not going crazy, but what you are experiencing is NOT gaslighting.”

What addicts are experiencing from their partners only mimics gaslighting because it produces the same outcome – the questioning of one’s own reality. The difference has to do with “intent.” Gaslighting is a form of crazy-making with the intent to keep others away from the truth. I believe the discovery of gaslighting to be one of the main reasons the wound of infidelity and the impact of sex addiction runs so deep. It’s bad enough to discover your partner has not been faithful; but it feels even more sinister to find out they were willing to make you question your own sanity in order to keep the secret. You don’t have to examine the depths of the injury very long to understand that it takes a lot of courage for the injured partner to even entertain the idea of couple recovery and forgiveness.

This gaslighting-like phenomenon experienced by the addict from their partner may have resulted in the addict questioning his own reality, but partners are not doing it in effort to keep a secret or hide the truth. Remember, in the early stages or recovery, unfaithful partners experience hostility or aggression from their injured partners primarily because (1) they don’t trust new experiences or behaviors from their partners; and (2) they are tired of hurting. But, “reflection aggression” isn’t really seen until after the crises have settled down and the addicts are gaining momentum in recovery. The primary purpose for this type of hostility is because the injured partners don’t want their wounds to be revealed. Allow me to explain.

“If he is going to hurt me again, I at least want to see it coming.”

Damaged trust. One reason the injured partner doesn’t want the spotlight is because it would require her to focus on herself, which means taking her eyes off the addict. This is especially true in the beginning stages of recovery. When someone hurts you in such a devastating way, that person instantly become dangerous. Our brain has one very important job – to keep us alive. Thus, the presence of danger is something that we naturally become hypervigilant to.

“Why do I have to be the one in recovery? All I was doing was being a good driver.”

Insult to injury. I often correlate the beginning stages of sex addiction recovery for partners of sex addicts to being hit by a drunk driver. As in many cases that commonly make the headlines, it is not uncommon for the drunk driver to walk away with mere bumps and bruises, but the person they slammed into is hauled away in an ambulance with months of recovery awaiting them. When we hear about these stories, we can feel injustice making its way through our entire body. Anger and disgust temporarily consume us as we empathize with the unfairness of this situation. We think to ourselves, “All she was doing was being a good driver and trusting that others on the road were also being good drivers. Ugh!”

This is one reason why I believe it is difficult to get partners of sex addicts into recovery – it just feels so damn unfair! Most people in civilized society would adamantly agree with that assessment. Unfortunately, feeling strongly about the injustice of the situation does not change the reality that partners of addicts, like good drivers hit by drunk drivers, have to take responsibility for their own recovery. It sucks! It’s unfair! But, it is necessary for healthy living.

“I look into the mirror and I don’t even know who I am anymore.”

Revealing the Injury. The two aforementioned reasons for avoiding the spotlight are very common reasons that keep injured partners from entering recovery; but, reflection aggression is a phenomenon that happens well after they have entered recovery; and it has the potential to keep partners from advancing.

I came up with the term “reflection aggression” because gaslighting didn’t seem to fit. In thinking about the dance couples do at this stage of recovery, it appeared that partners of addicts were needing the addict to remember that they are the sick one. This made me think of the condition historically known as Munchausen by Proxy wherein a caregiver creates the appearance of health problems in another, usually a parent inducing illness in a child. If you are of my generation, you may be thinking of the movie, The Sixth Sense, that portrays a storyline of a mother with this condition who caused the untimely death of her young daughter by poisoning her food.

Although there are some similarities, ultimately, the Munchausen by Proxy hypothesis did not make sense to me either. Yes, in some ways the injured partner needs the addict to remain “the sick one” but not for the same reasons as someone suffering from Munchausen by proxy. For instance, the primary motive for a mother with this condition is to gain attention. Remember, partners of sex addicts don’t want that level of attention. Why? Because if the true nature of their injuries are revealed, and they have to look at the condition they are in, they are faced with a strong emotional dilemma, which I will explain in the next section.

The origins of the term “Reflection Aggression”

When addicts start bringing this gaslighting-like phenomenon to my attention, I use the metaphor of “holding up a mirror” to help them understand what their partners are experiencing. My goals are threefold:

To understand that progress looks like destruction in the beginning. I want the addict to learn that progress in recovery (and in other facets of life) is not solely measured by warm-fuzzy feelings. In most cases in life, you have to tear down the old so you can rebuild the new. This deconstruction phase is often unpleasant, but progress nonetheless.
To learn self-care. No one is typically harder on the addict than the addict himself making this time an opportunity to help him learn to be kind to himself. Being kind to yourself only when things are going well is easy to do. Learning to be kind to yourself when things are hard is a much better measuring stick for self-worth and presents a challenge to practice self-compassion.
To have compassion for their partner. Remember, one thing that makes reflection aggression different from gaslighting is intent. Recall that partners don’t want the spotlight because (1) they don’t trust the addict, (2) it feels like insult to injury to even suggest they are unwell, and (3) they no longer recognize the person staring back at them in the mirror. These reasons are pure. They are not at all couched in deception, dishonesty, and secrecy. It’s important for the addicted partner to acknowledge this truth.

So, back to the metaphor of holding up a mirror. I explain to addicts that when they are progressing in recovery, they start to become less and less dangerous. Thus, their injured partner begins to have less and less reason to keep such a sharp eye on them. Instead, the partner gets glimpses of her wounded self in him – this new mirror that seemed to come out of nowhere. She sees that her recovering partner is the one holding it up. She doesn’t like the feeling of this new experience and deflects it by reminding him of his transgressions and shortcomings in an effort to get him to put the mirror down, or at least redirect it onto himself. After all, he’s the one that put them in this position, right?

“Why does this happen?”

Dr. Patrick Carnes, who is referred to as the “grandfather” of sex addiction treatment, explains that somewhere in the development of the addict, the addict makes a bargain with chaos, which is like making a deal with the devil. In recovery, I explain to sex addicts that they are now making a deal with Healthy. I tell them to think of Healthy as a separate entity. In recovery, the addict approaches Healthy to ask if s/he will be a part of his life? Healthy says, “Absolutely! But with one condition – I eventually have be a part of every aspect of your life, not just where you pick and choose to have me. We can start with your own individual recovery and then slowly expand to other parts of your life, like your marriage, family, friendships, and work life.”

In other words, “Healthy demand healthy!” I explain to the addict that this means eventually Healthy will demand to be a part of your marriage, which will require your partner to also become healthy. I also explain that this will feel like a dick move (i.e., insult to injury) to her when it happens. Injured partners usually want nothing more than their addicted spouse to get well. However, they often don’t quite understand the emotionally chaotic journey they are about to embark on in experiencing their unfaithful partners truly recover.

“Information is found contrast” – Dr. David Fournier

Reflection. A major part of sex addiction recovery requires that the addict take a deep look at himself and the traumas experienced in childhood, which ultimately led him down the dark road of addiction. The sex addict usually discovers that at the helm of the problem is a strong disdain for self, otherwise known as “shame.” In treatment, the addict starts to embrace the freedom and peace that comes with recovery, learning that a true love for self is the only way to keep him out of the shackles of addiction. As he embraces this new reality of love and self-care, maybe for the first time in his life, he begins to find meaning and joy in his recovery.

Now, imagine you are the injured partner witnessing this process of transformation. Experiencing the unfaithful or addicted partner progress in recovery creates a contrast that is nearly impossible for the wounded partner to ignore. She is forced to look at the depths of her own injury, which exacerbates her pain, amplifies her sense of injustice, and intensifies her anger.

“How dare you get better when you are the one that did this!”

Aggression. This reminds me of the classic Hollywood scenes where a troubled character finds herself staring into a mirror. Her anger begins to well up. Her body gives her away to the viewers as her face contorts, her breathing intensifies, and her fists clinch. We know what’s coming. Then, it happens – an alarming scream followed by a strong punch to the face in the mirror splintering it into a thousand shards of glass that refuse to fall! After a sigh of relief, the tortured soul looks back into the mirror, seeing a more accurate reflection of how she truly feels. Shattered. Unrecognizable. Defeated. This, in essence, is reflection aggression.

If we truly empathize with the injured spouse, we can see how any one of us might experience reflection aggression when faced with the reality that we have been unjustly wounded. No matter which direction she turns, she finds herself staring at her own face, her own body, her own pain. The mirror doesn’t hold back either. It provides an overwhelming amount of detail. She can see the gaping wound of infidelity. She can see it’s depths; and she understands that it will destroy her if she doesn’t stop the bleeding, close the wound, and apply the right kind of meds for healing.

“How dare you force me to face my childhood trauma without my permission!”

Unfortunately, the wound of sexual infidelity isn’t the only culprit at play with reflection aggression. As the injured partner examines the person in the mirror, she notices that surrounding the gaping wound created by partner betrayal are many other wounds, some large and some small; she is puzzled, unsure of how they got there. In her own recovery, she is troubled as she learns that these wounds existed, in many cases, long before her partner was even in the picture. As you can imagine, this reality can be quite overwhelming for partners because there is an underlying message they can’t escape – the wound of betrayal trauma isn’t a hundred percent responsible for the pain I’m experiencing. This revelation sucks! And what fuels the flame even more is that partners often feel like the decision to work through this pain on their own time was stolen from them, which can lead to more aggression toward the unfaithful partner.

In conclusion….

I hope this information helps you see how gaslighting and reflection aggression, although similar, are vastly different. Reflection aggression is not about convincing someone they are crazy in order to keep secrets, it is more about partners putting the brakes on and redirecting the spotlight, because it is just too damn difficult to look into a mirror and not recognize the person staring back at you.

Partners of addicts experience an immense amount of change in what seems like a moment’s time. They are stressed, scared, and overwhelmed in ways they have never experienced before. They need to take their recovery in stride and with professional direction and insight. Reflection aggression is a way of telling themselves and their partners, that “I see it! I recognize the condition I am in. Please put down the damn mirror and let me take one thing at a time!” It looks and feels aggressive, which makes it unpleasant; and, yes, if it goes unchecked or ignored, it can even be further damaging to the relationship; but, make no mistake, it is not the same as gaslighting.

GASLIGHTING	REFLECTION AGGRESSION
Shifts spotlight off of self and on to another	Same
Results in partner questioning own reality	Same
Embedded in deception & dishonesty	Embedded in pain and injustice
Intent is to keep the truth hidden	Intent is to pace healing and recovery
Deepens the betrayal wound	Communicates the depth of the wound
Fear-driven	Anger-driven
©Joshua Nichols 2019

I’d like to give a special thanks to Dr. Alexandra Katehakis for the time she spent helping me edit and organize my thoughts for the article. Dr. Katehakis a licensed therapist, certified sex addiction therapist, certified sex therapist, published author and the co-founder of the Center for Healthy Sex in Los Angeles. I am truly grateful for her wisdom, expertise, and generosity.

~Joshua Nichols~
Licensed Marital & Family Therapist
Certified Sex Addiction Therapist