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The Obligatory Back-to-School Blog

By Mary Scruggs

Oh boy, back to school! How exciting and terrifying. As a general statement, I think it’s safe to say that most of us are ready for more of a routine and the school year is the best time for that. But we don’t know what we don’t know. If the last year and a half has taught us anything, it’s that life happens while we’re making other plans. Going into the school year I am sure that many students are hopeful for a full year of no masks and no virtual learning. I am sure that parents are excited to be back at the office where they get a break from teaching. This last year I have worked with quite a few teens who have developed or experienced increased social anxiety. This isn’t just teens though, it’s adults, children, parents, professionals, and even dogs! So, what can you do to mentally prepare for this school year? What tools do you have to manage the stress of the unknown? Many of my teen clients and I have practiced mindfulness meditation, emotion regulation, cognitive restructuring, and more to help build up their coping skills set.

I hope that you and your family know that all your emotions are normal. I know that we often try to remember to be positive and grateful, but sometimes we must appreciate the pain we experience. Pain is a function in our system that notifies us that something needs to change. Whether it be on a societal, familial, or individual level, it’s so important to first recognize where the pain is coming from and how much control you have over managing it. Self-awareness is self-knowledge is self-power. All this to say, it’s okay to have mixed feelings about this school year. It’s okay to have anxiety around being in social situations. The question is – what will/can you do about it? Keep the conversations going and please approach your children with empathy and open arms.

Creating a Recovery Plan for Couples in Betrayal Trauma Recovery

By Carrie Kyger, LMFT, CSAT

One of the hardest parts as a therapist is to watch a client struggle.  In the work I do, a good majority of my clients are facing the devastation of a betrayal trauma.  Betrayal trauma is what it sounds like – feeling traumatized by the experience of betrayal.  It is most often, but not always, associated with relational infidelity and sex addiction.  This type of pain has often been described to me as one of the most painful experiences one will have in a lifetime.  I also see it in the tears, questions, and tormented eyes of most of my clients.  

My job then is to provide hope and a structure to healing this pain.   From this need to give clients more structure to their healing, my colleague, Joshua Nichols, and I developed our Individual and Couple Recovery Plan.  

The Three Entities of Focus

This plan serves many purposes.  To begin, it organizes and answers the questions “So what do we do now?”  This plan is laid out to describe and detail what each party or entity should be focusing on.  We have identified three primary entities that need special attention and care in order for betrayal trauma recovery to be the most effective. These three entities include the (1) injured partner, (2) the acting out partner, and (3) the couple relationship. 

As couples’ therapists, it is essential for us to acknowledge and treat the wounds that exist not only interpersonally, but also relationally.  Taking care of the marital or committed relationship with its own needs is often left out of treatment in many treatment settings.  

The Five Pillars

Another important purpose this plan serves is that it addresses what we have termed, “The Five Pillars of Recovery Success.”  We believe that individual and couples in betrayal trauma recovery should have these pillars in place to increase chances of success in recovery. The five pillars are:

  1. Individual and/or Couples Therapy
  2. Group Therapy
  3. Accountability
  4. Support
  5. Psychoeduction

These pillars not only creates and facilitates wellness and healing for anyone in recovery, they are also responsible maintaining the new way of life.  Please watch our video to learn more about the five pillars of recovery success:

As part of the recovery planning process, we identify how each individual and the couple relationship can start taking steps to get these pillars in the proper place, thereby creating more stability and security in their life and relationship. 

The Coupleship

The section of the plan for the coupleship acknowledges the current needs of the relationship related to how much information has been or needs to be revealed regarding the infidelity.  Specifically, we address the value of a therapeutic disclosure if needed information has not been shared about the affair.  We also introduce the value of boundaries when talking about the betrayal event and the feelings that both members of the couple are experiencing.  We usually suggest that the couple participate in couple’s therapy to work together to build new boundaries and structures that improve communication and trust. This section of the plan also highlights the value and importance of varying types of retreats to help the couple be more intentional with being still to allow for the body and mind to heal as well as instilling balance in the relationship.  

Each section of the plan has measures that confront and face the problems (e.g., therapy sessions, reading about betrayal trauma, journal entries about hurt and pain, etc.) as well as measures that are about retreat and rest and settling down your brain and body (e.g., meditation, date nights, deep breathing exercise, etc.).  Striking this balance is important in helping everyone endure and heal at a pace that does not burn them out. 

My hope in sharing a little bit about the betrayal trauma individual and couple recovery plan is that it might offer more guidance and direction in your own recovery as well as your couple recovery.  While many are not able to meet with us at Family Solutions Counseling to develop your customized plan, I encourage anyone to take these ideas to your current individual and/or couple’s therapist and work with him/herl to create your own recovery plan.  If you are currently not able to work with a mental health professional, start with what parts of this plan you can build on your own.  For example, develop an exercise plan, establish a devoted time for meditation, and/or institute a regular time to meet and get support from caring trusted people in your life.  

I know that the discovery of a betrayal in your relationship can be so overwhelming that the idea of setting regular time for self-care can seem like it won’t make a difference.  It’s important to remember that “Rome wasn’t built in a day” as they say.  Start where you can, and, focusing on one brick at a time, you will begin to build something that is safe and sturdy – your recovery.

Carrie Kyger, LMFT, CSAT

What My Cats Taught Me about Self-Care During the Pandemic | Mindy Rhoades

By Mindy Rhoades

The first time I heard about self-care, I laughed. I really thought it was a joke. Now, years later, I am so glad that my graduate program emphasized its importance and that the world at large has come to understand how crucial self-care is to our overall well-being. Ultimately, I define self-care as being able to say yes and no, to both ourselves and others, as we need to. While I like to think I was pretty good at self-care, 2020 put that to the test. Somehow I don’t think I’m alone in that. So, after spending a lot more time than I had anticipated inside with my cats in the past year, I realized that my cats have taught me some important self-care tips, while reiterating others: 

  1. A good schedule is important. My cats are absolute sticklers for being fed on time, and while that can be frustrating on occasion, it was very helpful for me in the early days of quarantine. Having to get up to take care of them helped me take care of myself. They also are fairly scheduled, in that they seem to do basically the same thing every day at the same time: eat, bath, sleep, watch birds, play, eat some more, repeat. I found that when I followed this example and was more scheduled, I felt better. 
  2. Rest. In general, cats are master sleepers, getting something like 15 hours of sleep a day. Since I am not a cat, I didn’t rest that much, but I was reminded that while a schedule and some productivity helps me feel better, I didn’t want to overdo it either. Taking time to rest and recharge is absolutely vital to self-care. And on days when living through a pandemic was overwhelming, my cats were visual reminders that sometimes it’s okay (and necessary) to take a day to relax.
  3. Play. While my cats definitely sleep a lot, they also like to play. They chase each other through the house, play with their toys and Amazon boxes, and like to hunt birds (safely from inside my house – no birds are harmed in the entertainment of my cats). However, it is so easy to forget the importance of play as adults. Yes, that can include movement and exercise, but I think it also comprises laughter and fun. When I make sure to do those things that are fun for me and intentionally seek out those things that make me laugh and enjoy life, I find that I am in a much better place emotionally and mentally.
  4. A healthy balance of solitude and interaction. My cats are fairly social creatures; they greet us at the door when we come home from work, and they like to spend time with each other and with us. However, they also spend plenty of time alone. For me, alone time wasn’t much of an issue during the pandemic; I had that in spades. However, it was more difficult to create times of meaningful interaction. While this required some creativity at times, striking this balance helped me reduce my stress levels by allowing me to feel connected and loved while also having time to practice creativity and staying aware of my emotions and thoughts during this unprecedented time.
  5. Be honest. My cats never fail to let me know if they don’t like something. I know when they are content or upset because they tell me with their meows and their actions. This generation has never lived through a pandemic before, and I think it’s important to be honest with ourselves about how it is affecting us. Some days will be better than others, and acknowledging where we are on a mental and emotional level is the first step to being able to do something about it. If you’re doing alright, that’s great! If you’re struggling, that’s okay; we have all had tough days in the last year. I hope you can also reach out to a trusted loved one, or a professional, if you feel that you are struggling more than you can manage. We are in this together.  

Bonus: Learn new self-care strategies. While my cats didn’t teach me this one, it was a 2020 theme for me. Pretty early on, I realized that my typical self-care strategies weren’t cutting it anymore, as this wasn’t a typical stressor (and some of my usual strategies were no longer safe, like eating out with high-risk loved ones). So, it became a year of being willing to try new things; some worked and others didn’t. Here are some things I’m glad I added to my routine: going on walks when the weather is nice, keeping a gratitude journal, having at least one meaningful conversation with a loved one per day, and finding something that makes me laugh and passing it along to others. If your old self-care methods aren’t working, I hope you can be creative and persistent in finding new ways to meet your self-care needs.

About the Author: Mindy Rhoades is a licensed professional counselor candidate practicing at Family Solutions Counseling.  In addition to being EMDR trained, her clinical focus is on helping individuals overcome their battle with depression and/or anxiety, grief, trauma, and religious & spiritual trauma. 

My Journey as a Play Therapist | Nancy Soliz

A Sneak Peek at the NEW Play Therapy Room

By Nancy Soliz

There is nothing more fun and livelier than a child engaged in play.  As many of us do, I first found my love for play as a child.  I grew up on a farm and there was never a shortage of nature, mud, and land to get lost in the fantasy of a professional chef, a potions maker, or just a wonderer exploring the vast outdoors.  But making good use of my imagination wasn’t limited to the outdoors.  I also found solace in my room playing with my toys.  As an 80s kid, I have to admit Cabbage Patch Dolls, Popples, and My Little Ponies were the most beloved of my collection.  Looking back, this play gave me the chance to explore my place in the world, practice real world scenarios, and even act out relationship patterns both observed and imagined.

It was no wonder when I was first exposed to play therapy as a new clinician, I was hooked!  It seemed so simple that instead of using talk to engage children in therapy that we would use the natural medium by which all children across the world express themselves – play.  

“In play therapy, toys are like the child’s words and play is the child’s language.” – Dr. Garry Landreth

In order to become a Registered Play Therapist (RPT), I completed 150 hours of play therapy training in addition to play therapy specific supervision by a Registered Play Therapist-Supervisor while I was completing my master’s program in marriage and family therapy.   When I moved back to the OKC metro  in 2008, there was only one RPT in the area.  There are now over 30! How cool is that?!  It has been exciting for me to help increase the number of skilled play therapists through supervision and training via the Oklahoma Play Therapy Training Institute that I founded and operate with another play therapist in the area, Lea May.  I also have continued my own training by becoming the first Certified Theraplay® Practitioner in the state of Oklahoma, and incorporating EMDR* with play therapy.  As a clinician, I always want to continue to grow and learn.  

“Enter into children’s play and you will find the place where their minds, hearts, and souls meet.” -Virginia Axline

My newest endeavor has been to remodel my play therapy space at my private practice at Family Solutions Counseling.  A play therapy room is unique because the toys and space are all carefully selected to ignite a child’s free play and creativity.  Rise Van Fleet, et. Al (2012) in the book “Child-Centered Play Therapy” gives a very succinct list of the categories of toys and their purpose:

1. Nurturing/Family Toys

Purpose: Build and explore relationships

Dolls, baby bottles, blankets, diapers, doll house (furniture and doll family), puppet family (people and/or animals), miniatures, kitchen set (food, dishes, etc.), doctor’s kit.

2.  Fantasy/Pretend Toys

Purpose: Express feelings, and play out roles/scenarios

Dress-up clothes/hats, costume jewelry, puppets, miniatures, mirror, masks, play money, magic wand, vehicles (cars, trucks, rescue vehicles, planes), doctor’s kit, communication toys (phone, microphone, mailbox, etc.)

3.  Expressive and Construction Toys

Purpose: Express feelings, mastery, problem solving and creativity

Arts supplies (markers, crayons, paint, paper, etc.), craft supplies (stickers, pipe cleaners, beads, popsicle sticks, tape), water, play dough, clay, building blocks, legos, cardboard bricks.

4.  Acting Out/Aggressive Release Toys

Purpose: Expression, processing and mastery of fear and anger; Control

Monsters and villains, heroes, plastic soldiers, dinosaurs, spiders, snakes, aggressive looking puppets and miniatures (ex. dragons, animals with teeth showing, etc.), rope, handcuffs, bop bag, toy guns/knives, dart gun.

5. Movement and Motion Toys

Purpose: Mastery, emotional outlet, and self-regulation.

Balls, basketball/hoop, bubbles, ring toss, bean bags, target games, jump rope, hula hoop, music.

These toys then give the opportunity for the play therapist with the child to explore their world, experiences, and feelings.  In the before/after pictures of the play room, you will be able to see all of these categories of toys.  If you are interested in finding out more information about play therapy, I invite you to check out the Association for Play Therapy website at www.a4pt.org or contact me at Family Solutions Counseling.

Nancy Rumley Soliz, MS, LMFT, RPT-S
Certified EMDR Clinician
Certified Theraplay® Practitioner
(405) 242-5305

*EMDR-Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing is a research-based treatment for trauma among other psychological issues.

A Pandemic Holiday: It Is What It Is | Mary E.M. Scruggs

The holiday season is upon us; and with everything going on these days (i.e., global pandemic), I often find myself asking a lot of questions. I’m fairly certain given the state of our world, that I’m not the only one engaging in this type of internal dialogue.  There seems to be an ever present cloud that hangs directly overhead. Will it ever dissipate? I really don’t know; but, what I do know is that this lingering cloud makes it difficult not to ask “Why now?” when other difficult or bad things happen. Unfortunately, other “bad things” don’t really care that we are suffering from a global pandemic. They aren’t really concerned about adding insult to injury. Even though I know this to be true, when other bad things happen, I still find myself appealing to the heavens with outstretched arms shouting, “Why now?!” Okay, that may be a bit extreme; but, I definitely give the occasional why-now-eye-roll often followed with an audible “ugh!”

Managing the Dark Cloud

It’s obvious to most of that we can’t force the cloud to go away.  You know that eventually it has to move, but right now you can’t do anything about it.  There’s no controlling the cloud.  You can’t control how  others feel about the cloud, much less all the other difficult circumstances coming your way.

What can I do about it?

What can I control today? 

How do these circumstances reflect on me? 

Do they even reflect on me at all?

These are the questions I find myself asking on a daily basis as part of my internal dialogue.

It Is What It Is

I particularly like this expression. I find it oddly comforting.  It reminds me that any given situation can’t be anything other than what it is; thus, despite whether or not I had control over it in the past, I can only make changes moving forward.

I have also found myself struggling with toxic positivity.  During recent stressful and challenging situations,  I have found myself pondering a lot of thoughts focused on what I should be doing instead.

I should be more grateful.

I should look at the bright side.

I should be more positive about what is happening.

I should stop saying “it is what it is.”

I don’t know about you, but this makes the stress even worse! Now I am not only stressing about what I was (the past), I’m also stressing about how I should be (the future).  Allowing my thoughts to aimlessly drift into the past or future during stressful moments or situations unfortunately doesn’t alleviate the stress I’m feeling.  If anything, it adds to it.

As I confide in those around me, I hope to be validated and understood. A simple whisper or nod that communicates “I hear you” would suffice just fine.  Unfortunately, more often than I care to admit, I hear those exact same invalidating and dismissive statements I have often said to myself:

“You should be grateful for what you have.”

“Well on the bright side you have time to…..”

“Everything happens for a reason.”

It Still Sucks.

I am truly grateful for what I have. I am completely aware that there is a light at the end of the tunnel (or cloud should I say). I’m smart enough to know that we can learn something from this – but it still sucks!

  • Please let me share my experience with you without fearing that you will tell me I should know better.
  • Please recognize that I put my Christmas tree up two months early, because it makes me a little happier.
  • Please know that I understand that society is lacking in a lot of ways, but right now I can only control my situation.
  • Please allow me to hurt.
  • Please allow me to feel good.

Wait, scratch that, now we need to get into boundaries and assertive communication.  Read each sentence above again without the word “Please”.

That seems a little more to the point, doesn’t it?

This message basically says, “Look! I’m feeling like crap; and I just want to tell someone without fear of judgment or being dismissed.”

The reality is that 2020 has been a hard year.  Not just for you or for me, but for everyone in the world in one way or another.  I respect and encourage positive thoughts in addition to active listening.  But, try hard to avoid sharing toxic positivity. Instead try asking yourself, “What does this person need from me right now, in this very moment?” Be careful not to do this at the expense of yourself.  Sometimes you will be the one that needs to be validated and understood

One Final Tip

You can control what you say and how you say it.  Just taking out the word “please” makes a huge difference so how can you be more mindful in what you’re saying and how you’re saying it?  The holidays are a good time to practice this, but PLEASE be patient with yourself and others.

Mary E.M. Scruggs is a marriage and family counselor in private practice at Family Solutions Counseling located in the Oklahoma City metro area. 

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10400 N. Vineyard Blvd., Suite A
Oklahoma City, OK 73120

Phone: (405) 242-5305
Fax: (405) 242-5345

Email: therapy@familysolutionsok.com

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