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Managing Your Superpower [Part 2]: What Recovering Sex Addicts Can Learn from Mister Rogers

I don’t know about you, but I am fascinated by Fred Rogers! Something you may or may not find odd about my fascination is that until recently I only knew of Mister Rogers by name; I had never even seen a single episode of the classic children’s program Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood. If you’re curious as to how a middle-aged therapist from the plains of Oklahoma all of a sudden became mesmerized by the man known as Mister Rogers, then I would encourage you to read part one of this two-part series – What Mister Rogers Has in Common with Sex Addicts.

As outlined in the aforementioned article, I am convinced that Fred Rogers was an empath, which, in my opinion, means that he encompassed a superpower that left to its own devices, could be very hard to manage from day-to-day.  You may think that the superpower I speak of is empathy, which may be defined as “the ability to imagine oneself in the condition of another…”. While this is true, empaths experience empathy much differently than most people from my experience. It seems to me that most people have to be very intentional with their empathy.  It’s often a skill set that grows and develops over time in humans, but it is never mastered.  Empaths seem to come by empathy naturally; but not the type of empathy as defined above.  Empaths experience empathy with more intensity and regularity. The Collins English Dictionary defines it best – the power of understanding and imaginatively entering into another’s feelings. For empaths like Fred Rogers, this is not just something they have to do from time to time as a healthy social and relational skill, it’s a way of life; and without proper management, it can be quite overwhelming. [check out Judith Orloff’s “Top 10 Traits of an Empath”]

As I established in part one, I believe that many people battling sex addiction share something in common with Mister Rogers – they, too, are empaths.  A major difference between Mister Rogers and sex addicts, is that Fred Rogers somehow figured out how to manage this superpower in a way that may have been considered odd by some, but effective nonetheless.  It is not uncommon for sex addicts to feel overwhelmed by their feelings, so in response they become exceptionally skilled at compartmentalizing.  They are so good at this that addicts and their partners are often resistant to the idea that sex addicts feel too much, because it often appears they feel too little if anything at all.  While it is true that not all sex addicts are empaths and the ones that are have to work diligently to reconnect with their empathic selves, feeling “too little” simply doesn’t fit from my experience in treating sex addicts.  Sex addicts often feel the suffering of the world around them.  Thus, when they do reconnect with their superpower, they need to learn to properly manage it.

What better person to learn how to manage this superpower than Fred Rogers?  If you really think about it, his program –  Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood – was all about teaching children and adults how to manage feelings. Here are a few lessons that sex addicts can learn from Mister Rogers on their journey to reconnect with their inner-empath and manage the superpower that lies therein.

“Do you know what the most important thing in the world is to me right now?  Talking on the telephone to Lloyd Vogel.”

Mister Rogers was fully present. In the 2019 major motion picture, It’s a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood, Mister Rogers (portrayed by Tom Hanks) uttered those words during a telephone conversation with a journalist that had developed a reputation for being cynical and non-empathetic. They were barely into their conversation when Fred Rogers already had this jaded writer disarmed. But how? “What was his trick?“you might ask.  Well, there could be many reasons, but I believe it was a combination of Mister Rogers’ authenticity and presence.

Have you ever thought how important it is to us be seen?  Can you remember the last time you really felt seen and heard by another person?  Fred Rogers seemed to be the type of person that gave his complete undivided attention when engaging with any one individual or group.  I imagine he was the type of person that would have made you feel like you were the only two people in the world during the moments you spent with him. In doing so, he gave people a voice.  You likely have heard the classic George Berkeley quote that goes “If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?” Well, let me ask it a different way, “If you are speaking your voice and no one is around to listen, did YOU make a sound?”  The obvious answer is “of course I made a sound because I would have heard myself speak.”  But, “making a sound” and “feeling heard” are two different things.  Fred Rogers was present in such a way that not only did people feel heard, they believed that they mattered to him.

Sex addicts are usually ill-equipped at this skill.  This makes sense given that they often manage their feelings by means of escape.  For most sex addicts, reality often hasn’t been very kind to them; thus, they use distance strategies as a way of survival.  Learning to be present in their full authentic selves completely goes against their natural instinct for survival.  Mister Rogers demonstrated throughout his life and his work the power of an authentic presence.  He shows us what it looks like to disarm and offer healing to another through the use of love and gentleness as opposed to force and violence.  The challenge posed by his method implies that only the unarmed can effectively disarm. This sets the context for healing.  Think of it this way. The lifeblood of a healthy relationship is vulnerability. Healing is found in vulnerability; and vulnerability begets more vulnerability.

“What about you, Tom? Did you have any special friends growing up?”

Mister Rogers made healthy use of his imagination. The above quote comes from a 1998 article in Esquire magazine authored by journalist, Tom Junod, called “Can You Say…Hero?”  This is the publication in which the recent feature film was based.  In the article, Fred Rogers is asking Tom Junod to tell him about his most special imaginary friend.  Mr. Junod proceeds to dialogue with Mr. Rogers about Old Rabbit. After reading this, I remember thinking about how awkward it must have been for Mr. Junod, a grown man, to be asked in a very sincere way about his childhood imaginary friend by another grown man.  It seemed strange, yet endearing.

How strange is it really? Can you imagine living in this world without the use of imagination? Books, television, movies, the entire entertainment industry, which is highly valued in our culture, is dependent on fantasy and the use of our imagination.  Think about the last book you got lost in, or the last movie that had you on the edge of your seat, or that one play that made you cry.  When we engage in such experiences, we know what we are seeing isn’t real, but it doesn’t feel that way.  To our hearts, it feels very real – not all that different from an imaginary friend.  Mister Rogers could have easily asked Mr. Junod about his favorite character in Lord of the Rings, or his feelings about what happened in chapter 27 of the Half-Blood Prince (….Harry Potter fans know what I’m talking about!!).  But he didn’t.  He wanted to know about something much more personal to Mr. Junod.  He wanted to know more about Old Rabbit.

As part of my fascination with Mister Rogers, I listened to a fantastic podcast about his life called Finding Fred. In this iHeartRadio production, I learned why puppets and imaginary friends were so important to Mister Rogers. In a nutshell, for various reasons, a young Fred Rogers found it difficult to make friends among his peers.  How lonely it must be for a child to go through life with no friends. Children are great survivors; and young Fred was no different.  Since he couldn’t make friends, he literally MADE his friends.  In fact, a couple of the characters you may have enjoyed from watching Mister Roger’s Neighborhood were actually young Fred’s childhood buddies. One of the most loveable of young Fred’s childhood comrades goes by the name of Daniel Tiger.

Sex addicts also use their imagination as a means for survival.  Famous basketball player, Shaquille O’Neal, in his autobiography appropriately named Shaq Uncut, discusses abusive treatment he experienced as a child. He also talks about how he would get lost in his imagination visualizing himself as someone important.  He even recalled a time in college when he would drive down the street pretending to talk on a fake car phone so other drivers would see how important he must be.

Utilizing the imagination as an effective tool for coping with trauma is simply a short-term solution constructed by your brain’s instinctual desire to keep you alive.  Unlike Fred Rogers and Shaquille O’Neal, sex addicts don’t stop with their imagination, they also utilize secrecy and shame as part of their formula for survival.  Shaq’s imagination helped him escape some very difficult realities he had endured in his childhood and young adulthood; but he ultimately utilized his imagination to help him advance to the NBA and will likely be known as the most powerful center to ever play the game.  Young Fred Rogers used his imagination to create for himself much needed friends.  His imagination and his make-believe friends led him to create a popular children’s program that spanned five decades where he impacted millions of children and families.

Mister Rogers and other icons, like Shaquille O’Neal, serve as great examples for sex addicts on how to use their imagination, as unorthodox as it may seem, in ways that spotlights identity, drives productivity, and encourages prosperity.  As a sex addiction therapist, I will never fault or shame my clients for using their imagination for reasons of survival.  I hope to teach them to not be afraid of their imagination, but to use it in a functional shame-free way that offers an avenue for effective coping strategies and the pursuit of dreams.

“There is no person in the whole world like you; and I like you just the way you are.”

Mister Rogers saw the world through the lens of compassion.  The above quote is quite profound, is it not? To think that there are seven billion people on this planet and there is only ONE like me? That’s almost as special as it gets! My mind can’t even fathom it.  The part that gets me the most about this quote is the second half – “…and I like you just the way you are.”  How many of us can honestly say that about every person we meet?

I believe Fred Rogers was sincere in this statement; but, allow me to address what I think he is saying and what he is not saying.  First of all, I don’t think Mister Rogers is saying that he can be friends with just anyone; but instead, he is saying that he can be friend-LY to just about everyone. Secondly, Mister Rogers isn’t saying that he never gets irritated or annoyed by people or that he doesn’t irritate or annoy other people. He is saying, however, that the experience of being the agitatOR or the agitatEE is okay because it is part of what makes us human.  Lastly, Mister Rogers isn’t suggesting that we avoid making changes in our lives in effort to make way for a healthier, happier existence; however, he is saying that who we are at our core is good…..so why wouldn’t anyone like that?

As a mastered, functional empath, Fred Rogers seemed to be exceptional at seeing past the bullshit and into the goodness of each and every individual he encountered.  If he were to encounter a sex addict, I have no doubt he’d use his x-ray vision to see through the armor of shame and deceit; he’d utilize his hulk-like strength to smash the barriers of denial; he’d use his sword of love to penetrate the heart to bring about life and healing; and he’d use his lasso of truth to reveal to you, the sex addict, who you really are – a good and valuable soul that is worth the trouble of saving.

“Feeling good about ourselves is essential in our being able to love others.”

Mister Rogers was an advocate for self-care.  There is so much that can be learned from Mister Rogers when it comes to taking care of ourselves.  I’d venture to say that most people, including Fred Rogers, would agree that self-care, although necessary, is not a task easily mastered.  Here are a few lessons we can learn from the master himself.

  • Rituals. Developing a healthy ritual that is performed routinely is good for us.  On Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood, every show begins with him entering the door, exchanging his coat for a sweater, then moving to the couch to change his shoes.  When we have rituals like these, it helps our brains transition from one state of existence to another.  Maybe Mister Rogers just came home from a hard day’s work and his clothing ritual helped his brain shift from work-mode to family-mode.
  • Mantras. I am a big fan of mantras.  I, myself, find that I repeat a lot of the same things over and over again in my personal life.  In my professional life, I like to share my mantras with my clients in effort to give them the words to help drive them forward.  Mister Rogers also seemed to find value in mantras. “Won’t you be my neighbor” is a mantra that even I knew; and I never even watched his show as a kid.  Mantras are good for us because they help us remember what is true and what is false, what is good and what is not-so good.  Mantras help us to quiet the noise around us and focus on our purpose in life or even the task at hand.
  • Exercise. According the 2018 documentary “Won’t You Be My Neighbor?” and the 2019 major motion picture, “It’s a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood,” Fred Rogers swam a mile every morning.  I think Fred Rogers knew he had a lot to offer the world and he had a responsibility to share it.  Being responsible with the vessel he occupied – his body – was important to him; and taking care of it was the first thing he did on any given day before he did anything else.  In other words, Fred Rogers loved others enough to love himself first.

There are so many other things we could talk about that would serve as evidence that Fred Rogers was an advocate for self-care.  These were just a few that stood out to me.

Self-care is another challenge for sex addicts.  Usually in the beginning stages of the development of addiction, the addict uses their drug of choice for enjoyment or even to “take the edge off.”  They discover that the drug works so well, they start using it routinely and ultimately become dependent on it. As this happens, shame enters stage left and becomes the lead character in this story.  Sex addicts usually feel an immense amount of shame.  Over the course of treatment, they often learn that that shame has deep roots, but on the surface it appears they are riddled with shame simply and solely because of the nature of their addiction.  This, in turn, leads them to feel like they are undeserving of anything good.

I think Fred Rogers understood something about love that a lot of people don’t – the best way to love another is to love yourself first. Although sex addicts have a hard time loving themselves, I believe them when they tell me how much they love the people that surround them – their spouses, children, parents, siblings, etc. – and they are tired of hurting them. My job then becomes and effort to try to help them see that the best way they can love the people around them is to learn to love themselves.  In fact, if Fred Rogers were alive today and he were to come to my office and meet the sex addicts I work with, he would truthfully tell them that “there is no one in the world like you; and I like you just the way you are.”  If sex addicts in treatment and recovery could learn to say those words to the person staring back at them in the mirror, and mean it, they just might find they have little to no use for their addict anymore.

I am grateful for the man commonly known as Mister Rogers.  His life serves a good model, in my opinion, for what it means to live as a healthy human being in this world.  This is true for sex addicts, too.  Allow me to close this article with the following letter:

Dear Sex Addict, Tortured Soul, Hidden Empath,

I know it is hard for you to see that you are not the sum of your actions.  Yes, your behavior likely has hurt people you care about; and it most definitely is not a sustainable way of life.  But, what you DID is not who you ARE.  As you work with your therapist, coach, or recovery team, I hope you can begin to see that you are a lot more like Mister Rogers than you realize today.  You will begin to recognize that you hurt; that you suffer; and not just the pain that has been inflicted upon you in the past. But, you feel the pain of others, too.  You’re often accused of seeing sex everywhere you turn; but the reality is that you likely see suffering everywhere you turn.  This world assuredly has not been very kind to you; and it continues to poke at your wounds every time you see it injure another living soul.  You may feel like it is too much to bear at times.  I believe Mister Rogers felt these things, too.  This keen awareness that I speak of is your superpower.  If you are not already, I hope you will take the necessary steps to learn to harness this power; learn to manage it; and then use it for the good of humanity.  Sadly, Fred Rogers was still human and he is gone from this world.  The question remains, “Will you pick up the torch?” because our world needs another Mister Rogers in it……and this time, why stop with one?

Start your journey. Stay the course. Godspeed.

Joshua Nichols is a licensed marital & family therapist and certified sex addiction therapist.  He is a co-owner of Family Solutions Counseling, a multi-therapist private practice group in the OKC metro area.  He is also a co-owner of nourishED, an intensive outpatient treatment center for those suffering from eating disorders.

Managing Your Superpower [Part 1]: What Mister Rogers Has in Common with Sex Addicts

“Anything that is human is mentionable; and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable.” – Fred Rogers

I have a confession to make – although I am very familiar with the cultural icon, Mister Rogers, I didn’t exactly grow up watching Mister Roger’s Neighborhood, which aired from 1968-2001. I had never even seen an episode until recently. So, if you are wondering why I would be writing an article with Mister Rogers as a central theme, trust me, I am just as surprised as you are, maybe even more.

A few weeks ago, my wife’s birthday made its annual debut. In celebration of this fine day, I had already made plans to take her and the kids out to dinner. I asked her that if I could get a babysitter, would she also want to go to a movie? I wasn’t surprised that she jumped at the opportunity; we’ve always enjoyed watching a good story on the big screen.  Later that day, she texted me that she wanted to see, “It’s a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood,” a biographical film based upon the real-life friendship of Fred Rogers (i.e., Mister Rogers) and Tom Junod – a journalist whose profile piece he wrote on Fred Rogers for Esquire inspired the movie.

In all honesty, I was a bit disappointed that this was the movie she wanted to see. I was kind of hoping for something that was a little more action-packed; but, since it was her birthday, I didn’t pout or complain. I ordered us the tickets and off to the cinema we went. It didn’t take long, maybe 10 or 15 minutes, before I leaned over toward my wife in the theater and whispered, “This movie is awesome!”

When I came out of that movie theater, I walked out a Mister Rogers fan! Since that time, I have read about Mister Rogers, watched several clips of Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood, engaged in quite a few conversations with older, more seasoned fans, and even listened to an entire podcast series devoted to him called “Finding Fred” hosted by best-selling author, Carvell Wallace. I am now trying to figure out how to incorporate his work in my therapy practice.

A Tortured Soul

Tom Hanks’ portrayal of Fred Rogers was quite amazing! Big surprise, huh? Hanks clearly depicts Rogers as an empath – a man deeply connected to the world around him, particularly with those that are suffering. He deeply cared for the lost and wounded. He felt drawn to them, like a magnet looking for right piece of metal. As I watched the life of Mister Rogers unfold on the big screen, I couldn’t shake the feeling that Mister Rogers was a tortured soul – a person tormented on a daily basis by the pain and suffering of the world; a person that simply feels too much. Oddly enough, I have often found myself saying the exact same thing about sex addicts in recovery. That connection is what inspired me to write this piece.

It feels weird coupling “Mister Rogers” and “Sex Addict” in the same sentence, much less the same story, right? Well, that is our shame and preconceived notions telling us that sex addicts are selfish, disgusting, and defective people. This couldn’t be further from the truth. The sex addicts I have worked with over the years are some of the best people on this planet in my opinion. I know many of my colleagues would attest to the same.  They not only are your physicians, teachers, ministers, etc., they are also your brothers/sisters, mentors, best friends, and even your spouse. They are good people; but they are people that are hurting nonetheless.

“Hurt people, hurt people.” – Rick Warren

Sex addicts have been understandably labeled as non-empathetic, unfeeling, hard-hearted, and a number of other adjectives that suggest they are ill-equipped in the world of emotional connection. It’s true that most sex addicts do have trouble empathizing with others. I actually refer to empathy as “the sex addict’s Everest.” After all, sex addiction is commonly referred to as an attachment disorder. So it comes as no surprise that empathizing with others is quite the learning curve for sex addicts, but it is achievable nonetheless. The struggle here is not that sex addicts are emotionally stunted. Emotionally ill-equipped, yes, but being emotion-LESS or not having the ability to feel the emotion of others couldn’t be further from the truth. I think it is quite the opposite. You see, many sex addicts, similar to Fred Rogers, seemed to have this supernatural ability to deeply feel the suffering of the world. The difference between a sex addict and Fred Rogers is that Fred Rogers figured out how to appropriately manage this superpower; whereas, sex addicts learn to put their feelings in a box, duct tape it shut, and shove it all the way to the back of the shelf with the hope of never seeing it again. In short, sex addicts become expert compartmentalizers. They become so good at this, that over time they become emotionally illiterate to the point that trying to identify and describe their feelings would be like searching for a needle in a haystack. In fact, without working a recovery plan, I’d put my money on the needle.

Nothing Shy of a Superpower

When I am visiting with addicts about this phenomenon, I often refer to the ability to feel suffering as deeply as they do as the closest thing we have to superpower. In today’s world, we are fascinated with “superheroes.” Fictional heroes such as James Bond and Rocky Balboa seemed to have taken a back seat to comic book heroes, such as, Spiderman and Wonder Woman; and why wouldn’t they? After all, 007 may be the world’s most magnificent and untouchable spy, and the Italian Stallion can pack one helluva punch; but, Spider-Man and Wonder Woman have super powers!

Although Mister Rogers, sex addicts, and other empaths can’t fly or shoot laser beams from their eyes, they often do feel pain in ways that others can’t understand. I don’t think we are going to see that type of superpower in any upcoming Marvel movies, but the ability to feel the energy of suffering to the depths that they often do is nothing shy of a superpower in my book. The problem is that sex addicts, unlike Mister Rogers, tend to have a hard time managing those feelings without the help of a substance; but not just any substance – one that has the ability to open the flood gates of dopamine which creates quite the numbing affect. In fact, out of all the reward centers in our brain, there is no greater natural reward center than that of our sexual brain. For the sex addict it’s “Goodbye pain and suffering; hello momentary peace and tranquility.”

“If you cope with your darkness in darkness, you will likely do dark things to cope with it.” – Joshua Nichols

So, as it turns out, a lot of sex addicts, similar to Fred Rogers, experience suffering very deeply. Although they both use their imagination as a primary coping mechanism, sex addicts aren’t openly and honestly utilizing puppets and public servitude to manage those feelings; instead, fueled by shame and trauma, they venture into the darkest corner of the soul where they find secrecy and deceit. That kind of detachment combine with their genitals and a taste of the forbidden….well, let’s say it makes one amazing, yet, often devastating cocktail. Mister Rogers, however, wouldn’t be judgmental about this; my guess is that he would desire to help these tortured souls find peace and healing. He would want them to overcome their demons and learn to find joy and create harmony in their lives. You know why? Well, it’s quite simple. They deserve to be happy; and they deserve to be loved.  Although Mister Rogers isn’t powerful enough to make anyone happy, he was exceptional at sharing his love.

As a sex addiction therapist, I don’t just want to therapize my clients.  I also want them to experience from me a person that truly cares for them. I want to be someone that sees past all the smoke and mirrors and directly into the good that I believe them to be.  I want to be a calm and nurturing presence that shows them a side of humanity that, although imperfect, doesn’t tear down, destroy, or abandon.  I want them to know I see them and that they matter to me.  I could never guarantee that I would be able to help them learn to do this for themselves, although that would be a goal; but maybe I could give them a taste of something that transcends addiction, trauma, and loss – LOVE!

I hope you found Part 1 of Managing Your Superpower interesting and maybe even enlightening.  Stay tuned for Part 2 – What Recovering Sex Addicts Can Learn from Mister Rogers – where we look at the practices of Fred Rogers that may have made his life more manageable.

Joshua Nichols is a licensed marital & family therapist and certified sex addiction therapist.  He is a co-owner of Family Solutions Counseling, a multi-therapist private practice group in the OKC metro area.  He is also a co-owner of nourishED, an intensive outpatient treatment center for those suffering from eating disorders.

 

 

 

Theraplay®: Changing the World One Playful Interaction at a Time | by Nancy Soliz

ID 87738431 © Konstantin Yuganov | Dreamstime.com

“If you want to change the world, go home and love your family.” – Mother Teresa

For the twelfth time this morning, I am telling my daughter to get her shoes on or we will be late for school. She fumbles again trying to find the right pair of shoes to complete her ensemble while scarfing down an EggoTM on the way out the door.   I have pleaded with her, I have bargained, and dare say I have raised my voice to get us in the car. My daughter has ignored me, refused my request, and shed a few tears before the seat belt was reluctantly clicked. On the drive to school, we are both feeling frustrated with our morning, and honestly with each other. These moments in parenting are not my favorite. Fortunately, these moments are not very frequent as I have found ways to help in nurturing our attachment and the importance of our connection throughout the day and our relationship.

What is Attachment and Why Is It So Important in Parenting?

Attachment can be both a simple and a complex topic to describe. In its simplest form, attachment is a feeling of being connected to someone or something else. We can have an attachment to our favorite restaurant, that perfect pair of jeans, or that one seat in the conference room that provides just the right amount of obstruction that prevents us from being called to share in staff meetings.   These attachments can help us feel a sense of safety and security, but attachment with objects or things does not provide the complexity that attachment with others does. An attachment to an object is a one-sided relationship. We don’t have to think much about what the other thing needs or wants to be adequately attached. The addition of another person adds complexity. This complexity grows exponentially in the caregiver-child attachment. Numerous studies show that the parent-child bond is more than a parent just providing for a child’s basic needs. (See Harlow’s Monkeys or studies on orphanages where babies receive little to no physical contact.)   This need for authentic connection to our children is biological, and needed for our survival.

To have a secure attachment, many things are happening in our brains. When thinking about the infant-parent relationship, let’s consider an interaction of a feeding as attachment building. As a parent, we may notice our child getting upset and showing signs of hunger by turning their head and trying to suck on their hand. When this happens, we pick up the baby and meet that need. During the feeding, we interact with the baby by giving knowing smiles, eye contact, and praise for their uniqueness. This interaction over and over again builds regulation. Regulation is the ability for a child to gain control over their body and emotional state. Infants and children rely on a caregiver to help in building a regulation process. This process is called co-regulation. As with my interaction with my daughter, my inability in the moment to regulate my body cause her to become further dysregulated. This is because children rely heavily on adults in their lives to co-regulate with them.

As parents, it is most helpful to be able to attune to our children in order to help with co-regulation. In the example of the infant-parent feeding, attunement is when the parent started to see the cues from the infant before they started crying to meet the need. For some parents, both co-regulation and attunement can be fairly simple to achieve most of the time. Maybe as a child, you had a consistent and caring caregiver that provided a secure attachment, and were given the blueprints on how to attach to your child in a very natural way. For other parents, you may have had a rocky start in your own relationship with your parents and are trying to do things differently with your own children.   Perhaps as a parent you experienced a secure attachment, but things went awry somewhere in your relationship with your child. Maybe the child is adopted, has a different temperament or behaviors, or even a trauma has strained this ability to connect. For those people, Theraplay® may be a treatment model to consider in helping your child with regulation and nurturing a loving parent-child attachment.

What Makes Theraplay® Work on Attachment and Behaviors?

Theraplay® is included on the U.S. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) as an evidenced-based practice. In lay terms, this means that a lot of research has been done to show that the model is effective. The model is considered a dyadic model in which both the caregiver and child are actively involved. After an initial assessment with the parent and child, the parent and Theraplay® practitioner meet to discuss the relational interactions of the assessment. Both the assessment and treatment are focused on four key dimensions of a parent-child relationship:

  • Structure – The ability for the child to feel safe with the adult in the lead and the child to follow the adult’s direction. The parent is also confident in their role as a leader and is able to relay clear expectations to the child.
  • Engagement – The ability to be fully present with the other. When fully engaged, the parent is attuned to the child’s needs.
  • Nurture – The ability for the parent to provide physical touch, safety, and care to the child and for the child to receive affection and care.
  • Challenge – The ability for the parent to challenge their child in an age-appropriate way, while the child is able to feel confident in trying to rise to the challenge whether or not they can meet their goal.

As you can see, all dimensions have an ‘if then, then that’ aspect of a relationship. All sessions are recorded so that parents can meet with the clinician to view nuances of the attachment relationship that can be modified in session and beyond. Throughout the parent sessions, regulation and dysregulation are topics in which the parent and practitioner discuss how their individual child achieves optimal regulation to help with any behavioral problems that may be occurring at home or school. When the child feels comfortable and secure in their relationship with their parent while the parent also feels confident and connected with their child, lasting change can occur.

Tonight, when I get the chance to see my daughter after work, I will work on repairing our relationship. We both need time to reconnect and attune with each other after a difficult morning. I want to take care of her and help her feel nurtured and safe. I also need to take that time for myself as well. As I look back now, I realize I needed to work on regulating myself in that moment so that she can co-regulate with me. As a parent, it is my job to care for myself and create time for self-reflection, finding a space where I can feel nurtured, safe, and optimally regulated. This parenting journey isn’t always easy, but it is so incredibly worth it.   One of my favorite quotes on the importance of this journey was spoken by Mother Teresa, “If you want to change the world, go home and love your family.” We can change the world through parenting, and if you want assistance on the journey, I would encourage you to find a qualified Theraplay® practitioner in your area.

~ Nancy Soliz ~
Licensed Marital & Family Therapist
Registered Play Therapist-Supervisor
Certified Theraplay® Practioner

Three Lessons from Mister Rogers to Help Your Child Develop Emotional Intelligence | by Julie Perna

Mr. Rogers with Daniel Tiger from pbs.org

“I feel that if we in public television can only make it clear that feelings are mentionable and manageable, we will have done a great service for mental health.” – Fred Rogers

I have been thinking a lot about Mister Rogers lately. It seems that with little ones in our home, we watch Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood or Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood (a Mister Rogers spin-off) every day. And with the recent movie release of A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood, based on the real-life relationship of Fred Rogers and a journalist, it seems that we are seeing or hearing about Mister Rogers around every corner of our neighborhoods again.

As I watch Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood, I am amazed by how ahead of his time Fred Rogers seemed to be with understanding children and their emotions. I recently learned that this is, in part, due to his close work with child psychologist Margaret McFarland, with whom he reviewed the television content as he developed episodes. We can learn many lessons from Fred Rogers’ work, but in this post I want to hone in on his ability to help children identify, express, and manage emotion (i.e., emotional intelligence), and how you as a parent or caregiver can help the children in your life develop these skills too.

Teach your child how to identify and express what they are feeling.

In 1969 before the U.S. Senate, Fred Rogers stated, “I feel that if we in public television can only make it clear that feelings are mentionable and manageable, we will have done a great service for mental health.” I believe this also applies to parenting and otherwise caring for children. We give our children a special gift when we teach them to identify and express their feelings.

The first step in teaching a child to manage emotions is to teach them the words to express emotion. There are some simple ways to begin building your child’s emotional vocabulary. One way is reading books designed to explain and illustrate different emotions. One of my favorites is “The Way I Feel” by Janan Cain. This book goes through 13 different emotions with beautiful pictures that visually depict emotion. As you read this book or ones that are similar, you can ask your child to describe times when he or she felt the same way and give examples from your own life. Another idea is to sit down and watch your child’s favorite television show with them and label the feelings you see in the characters. You might say, “Sally looks sad,” or, “Jimmy seems to be very frustrated. What do you think?” Not only does talking about these characters’ feelings increase your child’s ability to understand their own emotional world, but it is also a key to developing empathy – the ability to understand what another person is feeling.

Give your child time to talk about what they are thinking and feeling.

During his programs, Mister Rogers often asks children questions like, “Did you talk to someone you love last night about the things you were wondering about?” He also ends every episode singing about the next time he will “meet” the children on his show: “You’ll have things you’d like to talk about. I will too.”

In my work with children, I am often surprised by how quickly I see change in children and teenagers who are just given the space to talk about what they are feeling. It’s true that in therapy we do more than just talk about feelings; We move on to find ways to create change in a child’s life. Nonetheless, acknowledging feelings is foundational, and giving a child space to talk is one of the first steps in gaining clarity on what a child is truly thinking and feeling.

This may sound simple, but in the rush of our fast-paced lives we can forget about the importance of listening. A good way to solve this problem is to create a listening ritual, a regular time every day when you take time to ask your children about what they are thinking and feeling. This might be every morning when you drive your child to school, at dinnertime, or as a part of their bedtime routine. Having a listening ritual will not only remind you to take the time to listen to your child every day, but you will have the added benefit of developing a stronger relationship with your child.

Model for your child healthy ways of expressing and managing your emotions in daily life.

Children look to the caregivers in their lives to show them how to navigate the world. This is why modeling healthy ways of expressing and managing your emotions is so important. When you feel a strong emotion, it is almost certain that your child perceives it, whether through your words, tone, or other body language. In these situations it is much better to guide children than to leave them to make inexperienced assumptions, so children benefit when their caregiver is self aware and intentional. Practically speaking, you can do this by using words to say what you’re feeling, what caused your feeling, different possible ways of responding to the feeling, and how you are going to respond to the feeling and situation in a healthy way. Then do it. Model the healthy, mature response to your child. This is hard, by the way, because it means we need to have mature emotional responses to the world.

One of the reasons I think Mister Rogers is so special and effective is that he does this very well. He often articulates how he or his puppets are feeling in a variety of situations that impact children emotionally – everything from common everyday experiences, like making mistakes and enjoying music, to some of the hardest subjects, like divorce and the assassination of Robert F. Kennedy. Then he or his puppets adeptly talk about and act out how to handle these situations.

One of my favorite examples of Mister Rogers doing this is in the following song. He sings it in response to a situation where, as he says, “nothing seems to be working out right today”. He sings:

What do you do with the mad that you feel
When you feel so mad you could bite?
When the whole wide world seems oh, so wrong…
And nothing you do seems very right?
 
What do you do? Do you punch a bag?
Do you pound some clay or some dough?
Do you round up friends for a game of tag?
Or see how fast you go?
 
It’s great to be able to stop
When you’ve planned a thing that’s wrong,
And be able to do something else instead
And think this song:
 
I can stop when I want to
Can stop when I wish
I can stop, stop, stop any time.
And what a good feeling to feel like this
And know that the feeling is really mine.
Know that there’s something deep inside
That helps us become what we can.
For a girl can be someday a woman
And a boy can be someday a man.

This song is a good example because he acknowledges he is feeling mad, gives examples of healthy ways to handle anger, and makes it clear that we can choose our response to the anger. With his final line, “For a girl can someday be a woman and a boy can be someday a man”, I believe Mister Rogers is teaching that a girl or boy can grow into a woman or man – and that should be their goal – but if they do not learn the skills in this song, they may become an adult who still responds like a child. This connects to the idea of modeling that I mentioned above. Who can better teach and show children what it means to be a woman or man than the adults who are closest to them?

The more a child learns to understand and manage their emotions as a child, the greater their capacity will be to handle the emotions of adulthood, where responsibilities, problems, and consequences are considerably greater. So I ask you:

How do you model management of emotion to your children? What are you teaching your child when you have conflict with your spouse, when you are grieving the loss of a dearly loved one, when someone cuts you off in traffic, or when you are discussing politics with other adults?

Our children are watching our every move, listening to our words, and imitating us as they try to figure out how to navigate the world. We as parents and caregivers are their first and greatest teachers. We can help our children by paying close attention to how we talk about our feelings and by taking the time to explain to them how we are dealing with day-to-day problems.

As I mentioned above, these can be difficult skills to live out and we won’t do them perfectly. What we all can do is strive to do our best, and if we are struggling to help our children develop emotionally, we should admit our mistakes to our children and get help. This may mean finding a parenting mentor or seeking out a trained therapist to help you, your child, or your family.

Julie Perna is licensed marital & family therapist in the state of Oklahoma. She owns and operates her private practice, Tree of Life Family Therapy, in the OKC metro area where one of her primary focuses is working with families and teens.  

3 Reasons You Should Do Sex Therapy | by Victoria James

“Am I supposed to be a freak in the sheets or a lady in the streets?”

What comes to mind when you hear “sex therapist?” Can you imagine doing therapy with a central focus on sex and sexuality? Shoot, most of us have a hard time even saying the word “sex” without whispering, much less talking about it in detail to a perfect stranger. Why is that? Well, one reason is because of how our shame culture works when it comes to sex and sexuality; but, another reason has to with the nature of the sexual relationship.

Our sexuality is a very intimate part of our existence; and, with intimacy comes vulnerability. I would argue that the sexual part of a committed relationship is the apex of intimacy and vulnerability in that relationship. So, if sex is the most intimate part of our relationships, then it is likely the part of our relationship that potentially could be the most painful. That level of vulnerability makes even talking about it a very difficult task. Couple that with shame culture……WHEW…… can we change the topic now?

The reality is that there is a need for sex therapists in our world and sex therapy in your relationship. Just like you might bring in a financial advisor to help you with your money, or a drug and alcohol counselor to assist you in your recovery, or a dietitian to help you with your poor nutritional habits, sex therapists are available to help you discover and/or develop your own individual and couple sexuality so that you can experience the pleasurable rewards that this ultimate form of intimacy can afford you.

In case you are still wondering if sex therapy is right for you, I have put together three simple, but important reasons you should consider finding a sex therapist. Here they are:

1. Sex is Fun, But Complicated

Sex is one of those things that we are simultaneously over and under exposed to. We receive a hundred different messages about sex each day. Starting from the time we are children, we are exposed to sex in music, advertisements, movies, and television. Oddly enough, while witnessing sexual content is a part of our daily lives, we are also embarrassingly uninformed about healthy sexuality.

In Oklahoma, there is no state mandated sex education. Often, the sex education we are exposed to is shame based and lacking in information. I mean, how many of us experienced Mean Girls-type sex ed?

“Don’t have sex because you will get pregnant and die! Don’t have sex in the missionary position. Don’t have sex standing up; just don’t do it, okay, promise? Okay, now everybody take some rubbers.” – Coach Carr (portrayed by Dwayne Hill in movie, Mean Girls)

These conflicting messages can leave us feeling like we are “supposed” to know how to be super sexy and also feeling like asking for information on sex is a big “no-no.” Then what do we do? Am I supposed to be a sexy freak in the sheets or a lady in the streets? How on earth do I do both? Should I be mad that my partner watches porn, or is that “normal”? What if I want sex once a day and I have a partner who is only interested in having sex once a month—how do we find a sex life balance that is satisfying for us both? What if I can’t manage to reach orgasm, even if I am masturbating? What if I have difficulty maintaining an erection? What if I really want to try BSDM but am unsure how to bring that up to my partner? Are my desires “freaky”? What does that say about me? Lions, vulvas, and bears—oh my!

Take a deep breathe. Assisting with these exact questions is the reason that sex therapists exist. If you’ve ever asked one of them, seeing a sex therapist may be a great option for you!

2. Breakthrough the Shame

“Sex is dirty. Sex is bad. Save it for someone you love.” ~Unhelpful Advice Giver

How many of us were raised with the thought that sex is “bad”—that sex is what “dirty” people do? Even if we are taught “sex is a great wonderful thing—in the confines of marriage”, we can be left feeling like our sexuality is a naughty, sinful thing when done “too soon”.

I have had so many people talk to me about shame-based sex education they have received that damaged their ability to have a happy, healthy sex life. An example of this shame based education you may be familiar with is the “tape example.” In this example, young girls are given a piece of tape. These girls are then told to take this tape and stick it on another person’s arm and then another, until it becomes dirty and loses its ability to “stick”. This lesson is supposed to illustrate that, just like tape becomes damaged after coming into contact with multiple people, so do we—as if we lose our worth as people when engaging in sex.

Having grown up being taught things like this—it can be hard to flip the switch in our minds from “sex is bad” to “it is okay for me to be a sexual being.” Often times, this shame associated with sex then harms our relationships—and harms our own mental and physical health.

It may be that the shame we feel around sex is not around sex in general—but a particular behavior or orientation. Maybe we’ve been taught that sex is fine—if it is missionary. Or we’ve been taught having same-sex attraction is shameful. Or that having more than one partner is inappropriate.

Talking with a sex therapist can help us break through that shame and open the possibility of having happy, healthy, fulfilling sex lives.

An Important Note: Sex therapists are not in the business of changing or undermining your value system. A quality sex therapist will understand the importance of your value system; thus, s/he will help you explore your individual and relational sexuality within the framework of your current value system. We are not here to change your morals, just support you in finding a happy balance within them.

3. Strengthen Your Knowledge and Understanding of Your Own Sexuality

Twenty-seven states currently mandate abstinence-only models be taught in schools, which means missing out on education about STIs and how to have healthy relationships. Only 12 states require that information provided during sex education be medically accurate—there are examples of students being taught you can get pregnant from a hot tub (you can’t, by the way—no matter what Glee tried to tell you). Only 8 states that require sex education be unbiased—meaning sex education can openly say that being gay is bad (Guttmacher Institute, 2016).

As stated above, Oklahoma (and so many other states) does not have any mandated sex education at all. There is a big potential that students coming out of Oklahoma schools will only have received education from TV and porn—not the two best places to find healthy sex.

What does this mean for us? It means we do not have a lot of information about our bodies, sexuality, or how to be sexual people. We simply haven’t been given the education.

The good news is, sex therapists receive an abundance of education and clinical training on sex and sexuality. They likely don’t have all the answers, but they are trained to help you find your specific and unique formula for healthy sexuality in your life and relationships.

It can be intimidating to reach out to a stranger to talk about something we have actively been taught not to talk about. Even if we are not experiencing shame around our sexuality, it can still be incredibly scary to become vulnerable with another person in the pursuit of health and happiness. Sex therapists understand that. They will work to have comfortable conversations and meet you where you are. They will provide support, validation, and care as you figure things out together. Most importantly, they help you get the sex you want; and getting the sex you want is a big deal.

In conclusion, if you feel like your life is lacking in the sexual arena, maybe it is time to seek out a sexpert to help you navigate through this part of your life, which can often be very messy. Are you in now? Excellent. Here are some resources for finding the right fit for you.

Find an AASECT certified sex therapist here, or contact me, Victoria James,  if you believe I can be a good resource to you.

Victoria James
Licensed Professional Counselor Candidate
National Certified Counselor

Joshua Nichols
Licensed Marital & Family Therapist
Certified Sex Addiction Therapist

 

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Oklahoma City, OK 73120

Phone: (405) 242-5305
Fax: (405) 242-5345

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