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Managing Your Superpower [Part 2]: What Recovering Sex Addicts Can Learn from Mister Rogers

July 3, 2020

I don’t know about you, but I am fascinated by Fred Rogers! Something you may or may not find odd about my fascination is that until recently I only knew of Mister Rogers by name; I had never even seen a single episode of the classic children’s program Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood. If you’re curious as to how a middle-aged therapist from the plains of Oklahoma all of a sudden became mesmerized by the man known as Mister Rogers, then I would encourage you to read part one of this two-part series – What Mister Rogers Has in Common with Sex Addicts.

As outlined in the aforementioned article, I am convinced that Fred Rogers was an empath, which, in my opinion, means that he encompassed a superpower that left to its own devices, could be very hard to manage from day-to-day.  You may think that the superpower I speak of is empathy, which may be defined as “the ability to imagine oneself in the condition of another…”. While this is true, empaths experience empathy much differently than most people from my experience. It seems to me that most people have to be very intentional with their empathy.  It’s often a skill set that grows and develops over time in humans, but it is never mastered.  Empaths seem to come by empathy naturally; but not the type of empathy as defined above.  Empaths experience empathy with more intensity and regularity. The Collins English Dictionary defines it best – the power of understanding and imaginatively entering into another’s feelings. For empaths like Fred Rogers, this is not just something they have to do from time to time as a healthy social and relational skill, it’s a way of life; and without proper management, it can be quite overwhelming. [check out Judith Orloff’s “Top 10 Traits of an Empath”]

As I established in part one, I believe that many people battling sex addiction share something in common with Mister Rogers – they, too, are empaths.  A major difference between Mister Rogers and sex addicts, is that Fred Rogers somehow figured out how to manage this superpower in a way that may have been considered odd by some, but effective nonetheless.  It is not uncommon for sex addicts to feel overwhelmed by their feelings, so in response they become exceptionally skilled at compartmentalizing.  They are so good at this that addicts and their partners are often resistant to the idea that sex addicts feel too much, because it often appears they feel too little if anything at all.  While it is true that not all sex addicts are empaths and the ones that are have to work diligently to reconnect with their empathic selves, feeling “too little” simply doesn’t fit from my experience in treating sex addicts.  Sex addicts often feel the suffering of the world around them.  Thus, when they do reconnect with their superpower, they need to learn to properly manage it.

What better person to learn how to manage this superpower than Fred Rogers?  If you really think about it, his program –  Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood – was all about teaching children and adults how to manage feelings. Here are a few lessons that sex addicts can learn from Mister Rogers on their journey to reconnect with their inner-empath and manage the superpower that lies therein.

“Do you know what the most important thing in the world is to me right now?  Talking on the telephone to Lloyd Vogel.”

Mister Rogers was fully present. In the 2019 major motion picture, It’s a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood, Mister Rogers (portrayed by Tom Hanks) uttered those words during a telephone conversation with a journalist that had developed a reputation for being cynical and non-empathetic. They were barely into their conversation when Fred Rogers already had this jaded writer disarmed. But how? “What was his trick?“you might ask.  Well, there could be many reasons, but I believe it was a combination of Mister Rogers’ authenticity and presence.

Have you ever thought how important it is to us be seen?  Can you remember the last time you really felt seen and heard by another person?  Fred Rogers seemed to be the type of person that gave his complete undivided attention when engaging with any one individual or group.  I imagine he was the type of person that would have made you feel like you were the only two people in the world during the moments you spent with him. In doing so, he gave people a voice.  You likely have heard the classic George Berkeley quote that goes “If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?” Well, let me ask it a different way, “If you are speaking your voice and no one is around to listen, did YOU make a sound?”  The obvious answer is “of course I made a sound because I would have heard myself speak.”  But, “making a sound” and “feeling heard” are two different things.  Fred Rogers was present in such a way that not only did people feel heard, they believed that they mattered to him.

Sex addicts are usually ill-equipped at this skill.  This makes sense given that they often manage their feelings by means of escape.  For most sex addicts, reality often hasn’t been very kind to them; thus, they use distance strategies as a way of survival.  Learning to be present in their full authentic selves completely goes against their natural instinct for survival.  Mister Rogers demonstrated throughout his life and his work the power of an authentic presence.  He shows us what it looks like to disarm and offer healing to another through the use of love and gentleness as opposed to force and violence.  The challenge posed by his method implies that only the unarmed can effectively disarm. This sets the context for healing.  Think of it this way. The lifeblood of a healthy relationship is vulnerability. Healing is found in vulnerability; and vulnerability begets more vulnerability.

“What about you, Tom? Did you have any special friends growing up?”

Mister Rogers made healthy use of his imagination. The above quote comes from a 1998 article in Esquire magazine authored by journalist, Tom Junod, called “Can You Say…Hero?”  This is the publication in which the recent feature film was based.  In the article, Fred Rogers is asking Tom Junod to tell him about his most special imaginary friend.  Mr. Junod proceeds to dialogue with Mr. Rogers about Old Rabbit. After reading this, I remember thinking about how awkward it must have been for Mr. Junod, a grown man, to be asked in a very sincere way about his childhood imaginary friend by another grown man.  It seemed strange, yet endearing.

How strange is it really? Can you imagine living in this world without the use of imagination? Books, television, movies, the entire entertainment industry, which is highly valued in our culture, is dependent on fantasy and the use of our imagination.  Think about the last book you got lost in, or the last movie that had you on the edge of your seat, or that one play that made you cry.  When we engage in such experiences, we know what we are seeing isn’t real, but it doesn’t feel that way.  To our hearts, it feels very real – not all that different from an imaginary friend.  Mister Rogers could have easily asked Mr. Junod about his favorite character in Lord of the Rings, or his feelings about what happened in chapter 27 of the Half-Blood Prince (….Harry Potter fans know what I’m talking about!!).  But he didn’t.  He wanted to know about something much more personal to Mr. Junod.  He wanted to know more about Old Rabbit.

As part of my fascination with Mister Rogers, I listened to a fantastic podcast about his life called Finding Fred. In this iHeartRadio production, I learned why puppets and imaginary friends were so important to Mister Rogers. In a nutshell, for various reasons, a young Fred Rogers found it difficult to make friends among his peers.  How lonely it must be for a child to go through life with no friends. Children are great survivors; and young Fred was no different.  Since he couldn’t make friends, he literally MADE his friends.  In fact, a couple of the characters you may have enjoyed from watching Mister Roger’s Neighborhood were actually young Fred’s childhood buddies. One of the most loveable of young Fred’s childhood comrades goes by the name of Daniel Tiger.

Sex addicts also use their imagination as a means for survival.  Famous basketball player, Shaquille O’Neal, in his autobiography appropriately named Shaq Uncut, discusses abusive treatment he experienced as a child. He also talks about how he would get lost in his imagination visualizing himself as someone important.  He even recalled a time in college when he would drive down the street pretending to talk on a fake car phone so other drivers would see how important he must be.

Utilizing the imagination as an effective tool for coping with trauma is simply a short-term solution constructed by your brain’s instinctual desire to keep you alive.  Unlike Fred Rogers and Shaquille O’Neal, sex addicts don’t stop with their imagination, they also utilize secrecy and shame as part of their formula for survival.  Shaq’s imagination helped him escape some very difficult realities he had endured in his childhood and young adulthood; but he ultimately utilized his imagination to help him advance to the NBA and will likely be known as the most powerful center to ever play the game.  Young Fred Rogers used his imagination to create for himself much needed friends.  His imagination and his make-believe friends led him to create a popular children’s program that spanned five decades where he impacted millions of children and families.

Mister Rogers and other icons, like Shaquille O’Neal, serve as great examples for sex addicts on how to use their imagination, as unorthodox as it may seem, in ways that spotlights identity, drives productivity, and encourages prosperity.  As a sex addiction therapist, I will never fault or shame my clients for using their imagination for reasons of survival.  I hope to teach them to not be afraid of their imagination, but to use it in a functional shame-free way that offers an avenue for effective coping strategies and the pursuit of dreams.

“There is no person in the whole world like you; and I like you just the way you are.”

Mister Rogers saw the world through the lens of compassion.  The above quote is quite profound, is it not? To think that there are seven billion people on this planet and there is only ONE like me? That’s almost as special as it gets! My mind can’t even fathom it.  The part that gets me the most about this quote is the second half – “…and I like you just the way you are.”  How many of us can honestly say that about every person we meet?

I believe Fred Rogers was sincere in this statement; but, allow me to address what I think he is saying and what he is not saying.  First of all, I don’t think Mister Rogers is saying that he can be friends with just anyone; but instead, he is saying that he can be friend-LY to just about everyone. Secondly, Mister Rogers isn’t saying that he never gets irritated or annoyed by people or that he doesn’t irritate or annoy other people. He is saying, however, that the experience of being the agitatOR or the agitatEE is okay because it is part of what makes us human.  Lastly, Mister Rogers isn’t suggesting that we avoid making changes in our lives in effort to make way for a healthier, happier existence; however, he is saying that who we are at our core is good…..so why wouldn’t anyone like that?

As a mastered, functional empath, Fred Rogers seemed to be exceptional at seeing past the bullshit and into the goodness of each and every individual he encountered.  If he were to encounter a sex addict, I have no doubt he’d use his x-ray vision to see through the armor of shame and deceit; he’d utilize his hulk-like strength to smash the barriers of denial; he’d use his sword of love to penetrate the heart to bring about life and healing; and he’d use his lasso of truth to reveal to you, the sex addict, who you really are – a good and valuable soul that is worth the trouble of saving.

“Feeling good about ourselves is essential in our being able to love others.”

Mister Rogers was an advocate for self-care.  There is so much that can be learned from Mister Rogers when it comes to taking care of ourselves.  I’d venture to say that most people, including Fred Rogers, would agree that self-care, although necessary, is not a task easily mastered.  Here are a few lessons we can learn from the master himself.

  • Rituals. Developing a healthy ritual that is performed routinely is good for us.  On Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood, every show begins with him entering the door, exchanging his coat for a sweater, then moving to the couch to change his shoes.  When we have rituals like these, it helps our brains transition from one state of existence to another.  Maybe Mister Rogers just came home from a hard day’s work and his clothing ritual helped his brain shift from work-mode to family-mode.
  • Mantras. I am a big fan of mantras.  I, myself, find that I repeat a lot of the same things over and over again in my personal life.  In my professional life, I like to share my mantras with my clients in effort to give them the words to help drive them forward.  Mister Rogers also seemed to find value in mantras. “Won’t you be my neighbor” is a mantra that even I knew; and I never even watched his show as a kid.  Mantras are good for us because they help us remember what is true and what is false, what is good and what is not-so good.  Mantras help us to quiet the noise around us and focus on our purpose in life or even the task at hand.
  • Exercise. According the 2018 documentary “Won’t You Be My Neighbor?” and the 2019 major motion picture, “It’s a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood,” Fred Rogers swam a mile every morning.  I think Fred Rogers knew he had a lot to offer the world and he had a responsibility to share it.  Being responsible with the vessel he occupied – his body – was important to him; and taking care of it was the first thing he did on any given day before he did anything else.  In other words, Fred Rogers loved others enough to love himself first.

There are so many other things we could talk about that would serve as evidence that Fred Rogers was an advocate for self-care.  These were just a few that stood out to me.

Self-care is another challenge for sex addicts.  Usually in the beginning stages of the development of addiction, the addict uses their drug of choice for enjoyment or even to “take the edge off.”  They discover that the drug works so well, they start using it routinely and ultimately become dependent on it. As this happens, shame enters stage left and becomes the lead character in this story.  Sex addicts usually feel an immense amount of shame.  Over the course of treatment, they often learn that that shame has deep roots, but on the surface it appears they are riddled with shame simply and solely because of the nature of their addiction.  This, in turn, leads them to feel like they are undeserving of anything good.

I think Fred Rogers understood something about love that a lot of people don’t – the best way to love another is to love yourself first. Although sex addicts have a hard time loving themselves, I believe them when they tell me how much they love the people that surround them – their spouses, children, parents, siblings, etc. – and they are tired of hurting them. My job then becomes and effort to try to help them see that the best way they can love the people around them is to learn to love themselves.  In fact, if Fred Rogers were alive today and he were to come to my office and meet the sex addicts I work with, he would truthfully tell them that “there is no one in the world like you; and I like you just the way you are.”  If sex addicts in treatment and recovery could learn to say those words to the person staring back at them in the mirror, and mean it, they just might find they have little to no use for their addict anymore.

I am grateful for the man commonly known as Mister Rogers.  His life serves a good model, in my opinion, for what it means to live as a healthy human being in this world.  This is true for sex addicts, too.  Allow me to close this article with the following letter:

Dear Sex Addict, Tortured Soul, Hidden Empath,

I know it is hard for you to see that you are not the sum of your actions.  Yes, your behavior likely has hurt people you care about; and it most definitely is not a sustainable way of life.  But, what you DID is not who you ARE.  As you work with your therapist, coach, or recovery team, I hope you can begin to see that you are a lot more like Mister Rogers than you realize today.  You will begin to recognize that you hurt; that you suffer; and not just the pain that has been inflicted upon you in the past. But, you feel the pain of others, too.  You’re often accused of seeing sex everywhere you turn; but the reality is that you likely see suffering everywhere you turn.  This world assuredly has not been very kind to you; and it continues to poke at your wounds every time you see it injure another living soul.  You may feel like it is too much to bear at times.  I believe Mister Rogers felt these things, too.  This keen awareness that I speak of is your superpower.  If you are not already, I hope you will take the necessary steps to learn to harness this power; learn to manage it; and then use it for the good of humanity.  Sadly, Fred Rogers was still human and he is gone from this world.  The question remains, “Will you pick up the torch?” because our world needs another Mister Rogers in it……and this time, why stop with one?

Start your journey. Stay the course. Godspeed.

Joshua Nichols is a licensed marital & family therapist and certified sex addiction therapist.  He is a co-owner of Family Solutions Counseling, a multi-therapist private practice group in the OKC metro area.  He is also a co-owner of nourishED, an intensive outpatient treatment center for those suffering from eating disorders.

Filed Under: Blog Tagged With: are sex addicts empaths, betrayal, betrayal trauma, compassion, couples therapist, CSAT, empath, fantasy, fred rogers, imagination, it's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, joshua nichols, judith orloff, managing your superpower, marriage therapist, mister rogers, mister rogers neighborhood, old rabbit, Self-Care, sex addict, sex addiction, sex addiction recovery, sex addiction therapist, sex addiction treatment, sexually compulsive behavior, shaq, shaquille oneal, tom hanks, tom junod, tortured soul, trauma, what is an empath, won't you be my neighbor

How to Ruin the Holidays without Even Trying!

December 18, 2018

The holiday season, for many, is a time of the year we look forward to so we can take a few days off of work and simply relax! Ahem! Yeah right! The Christmas holiday season is often all but relaxing.  The hustle and bustle of the holiday season shows up in so many ways.  For instance, traffic is horrible.  You have something planned almost every night of the week in December.  Alcohol is being purchased as if the prohibition had just ended; and, your spending money as if you have an unlimited supply of it.  Relaxing? Far from it.  

BUT….the fact that the holiday season is more stressful for many people, doesn’t mean that we can’t enjoy the experience of the holidays.  We all deserve to have  little (or a lot) of joy in our lives.  Additionally, we all deserve to NOT HAVE THIS RUINED FOR US!  Thus, in the video segment below, I discuss 5 ways to ruin the holidays.  I hope you will have a little fun watching the video, but also take the suggestions seriously.  I hope you have a great holiday season. Enjoy the video.  

~ Joshua Nichols ~

Filed Under: Blog Tagged With: boundaries during the holidays, how to ruin the holidays, Self-Care, stay sober, staying sober in the holidays, surviving the holidays

5 Tips for New Year’s Resolution Success

December 28, 2017

It’s that time of the year again – the END OF IT!  The New Year often brings about an array of thoughts and feelings.  We are often excited about closing out the new year.  We look forward to the celebrations with friends and family.  We anticipate the notorious countdown and the ball dropping in Time Square, that is, if you can stay up that late.  We do all these ritualistic activities to help us gear up for the new year.  Very exciting, right?

Well, along with the excitement, we often experience more complicated emotions like, fear, dread, and maybe even, sadness.  After all, the new year reminds us that we are a year older. It reminds us that another year has passed and there is still so much to do and accomplish.  This is particularly disheartening for those who are struggling to keep their heads above water.  All that to say, in addition to joy and excitement, we also are faced with some hard realities when it comes to starting a new year.

And, if that is not hard enough, there are three words we often dread as the new year approaches – NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION!  Yuck!  For many of us, these three words have left an awful taste in our mouths because year after year we tackle these goals with all the optimism of the world, but only to be met with disappointment as, one-by-one, they start falling through the cracks.  Sadly, many have just given up on them because they haven’t figured out a way to succeed.

I want to challenge you by saying this: TO GIVE UP ON NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS IS TO GIVE UP ON DREAMS AND AMBITIONS!  If you’re reading this, I hope to revive your dreams and add fuel to your ambition!  I hope you’ll take this challenge and share this with your friends and family to encourage them to NOT give up on themselves.  You’re worth the effort!

Often times, when we are struggling to accomplish something, we just need a little structure.  That is what I have done here for you with these 5 TIPS for NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION SUCCESS. (download the PDF New Year’s Resolution Worksheet).

Disclaimer: This does not mean that achievement of your goals will come easy, as most things in life worth striving for requires some level of blood, sweat, and tears; but, it can help you by adding structure thereby eliminating ambiguity.  So here we go!

~Choose a THEME for the year~ 

Think about what you want this year to be about for you.  Throw away the notion that you have to be all things everything all the time.  That is too overwhelming and extremely unrealistic.  Pick on or two themes that you want to make your life about in the upcoming year.  This doesn’t mean you neglect other roles and responsibilities, but it does mean that much of your extra effort and investment will specifically fit within your theme(s) and goals.

~Make your goals TANGIBLE and ACHIEVABLE~

I believe many resolutions fail because people are too vague in their goals.  They say, “I want to lose 50 lbs” or “I want to be more successful at work.”  These goals are too ambiguous, and in my opinion, shallow.  I encourage you to make your goals reflect something that will help you potentially “feel good” long-term.  Thus, instead of saying, “I want to lose 50 lbs” you, instead, might say, “I want to work up to going to the gym 3x a week, running 1x a week, prepping lunches for work 5x/week so I don’t eat fast-food.”  When you set goals like this, you’re ultimate measuring stick is FEELING GOOD, but  maybe you’ll lose some weight and inches in the process as a fortunate byproduct.

~Create OBJECTIVES and DEADLINES~

In the aforementioned example, notice how I said “work up to.”  This implies a progression. After you set your goal, write down some objectives with a 6-12 week dead line for each.  For example:

Objective A: Join a gym. Download workout app. Schedule 1-2 weekly visits.  Run 1 mile on Saturdays.  Shop for lunches on Sunday evenings. Prep lunches for M/W/F.  Target: 6 weeks.

Objective B: Schedule 3-4 weekly visits to gym. Daily activity logging on workout app.  Run an average of 2-3 miles weekly (Saturdays were a bad idea, Friday evening are better). Target 6 weeks.

Objective C: Re-evaluate goals and objectives.

As you can see, these objectives are specific and detailed.  But they aren’t perfect.  In objective B, you see I made a change to the running schedule and I added an average distance.  Sometimes being too rigid can lead to discouragement and feelings of defeat because your initial plan proved to be too difficult.  You may also notice a re-evaluation objective.  It is crucial that once you meet your goal that you don’t simply forget about it.  You will need to either create a maintenance plan or a plan for continued growth.

~Recruit an ACCOUNTABILITY TEAM~

Accountability is HUGE!  One thing I have realized when it comes to my successes and accomplishments is that I NEVER did it alone! I ALWAYS had help; and I ALWAYS had some level of accountability.  When I think upon my failures, I usually was trying to go about it alone with little to no accountability.  Thus, to be successful with your New Year’s resolutions, you’ll need to recruit your accountability team.  These people need to be 2-3 trusted and safe individuals that will support you in this endeavor.  However, for their benefit, they will need to know specifically how you would like them to support you.  So, before you bring an individual on as part of your team, answer the following questions:

  1. Has this person earned the right to be part of my accountability team?
  2. What qualities or characteristics does this person have that you believe will help you on this journey?
  3. How would you like them to serve as part of your accountability team? Be specific.

~WRITE it all down~

This element is also crucial to success.  As long as the plan stays in our head, we allow ourselves room to renege. I believe that keeping the plan in our heads is our back up plan to our unspoken expectation that we will once again experience another year of failed resolutions.  When you put your plan down in BLACK and WHITE, it helps to eliminate ambiguity and make it more real. Writing down your plan is the equivalent of saying to yourself, “Well, I guess I’m doing this thing!”  To help you out here, I have attached a New Year’s Resolution Worksheet that you are more than welcome to download, print, and redistribute.

~Bonus Tip: Be flexible with FAILURE~

I think it is important to start off in the right frame of mind.  A wise man (maybe Yoda??) once said that failure is our best teacher.  I couldn’t agree more.  Thus, don’t be so rigid with this plan that you don’t expect to  experience any struggles or set-backs.  In counseling, therapists often use an intervention we call “predicting a setback.”  Realistically, we can never predict exactly how a setback will manifest, but when we try, we prepare our minds for the probability of one occurring, because they WILL happen.  So, with your goals in mind, try to predict what a setback might look like, then decide how you will handle them.  Make sure you share this with your accountability team.

I hope this information will help you experience more success with your New Year’s goals, but also with your life goals.  Life is a journey that is paved with our successes and failures as well as the successes and failures of those who have gone on before us.  The question is:  Have you stalled out or do you still have enough left in the tank to continue the journey?

As always, if you feel like you are stuck in life, I encourage you to seek out a professional counselor in effort to get your life moving again.  Peace and blessings to you.

Joshua Nichols
Licensed Marital & Family Therapist

[social_warfare]

Filed Under: Blog Tagged With: counseling, Discipline, Failure, Goals, mental health, mental health counseling, New Year, New Year's Resolution, Self-Care, Success, Winning

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