Many of our clients have reported that the pain stemming from a betrayal trauma is one they wouldn’t wish upon their worst enemy. For those who have experienced this type of relational trauma – infidelity, secret addiction, double life – broken trust seems to be at the helm of the heartache. Adding insult to injury, this lack of trust tends to linger well after the secrets have been revealed and the initial crisis is over. It is common for partners who have experienced the trauma of infidelity and/or sex addiction to battle with the question, “Will I ever trust again?” The simple answer to this question is “yes, you can learn to trust again.” However, relationships are more complicated than that, especially after being wounded by betrayal. In this article, we hope to unravel some of the complexities of the trust-distrust phenomenon in couples following infidelity.
Maybe ‘NOT trusting’ is exactly where you are supposed to be.
Injured couples who want to stay together and heal their relationships after the discovery of infidelity might long to go “back to how things were,” but they intuitively know that this is not in cards. For a couple in the throes of betrayal trauma, “going back” is not only risky, but not very smart either. Going back to the old relationship (i.e., how things were), also means going back to the old way of functioning. If a couple tries to reestablish the old ways of functioning in their relationship, then they are destined to repeat old patterns. And where does that lead? I think you know the answer. So, if the couple can’t go back, where does that leave them?
You must grieve the loss of the old relationship in effort to make way for the new coupleship. In this transitional space is where trust is reborn.
When a couple decides to create a new relationship with one another, this also means creating a new trust. This doesn’t mean they forget about the past; in fact, it is just the opposite. Couples need to remember their history, because their past informs their present, and the present determines the future. It’s sort of like building a new house on an existing slab. The slab, which represents a couple’s love for each other, is the foundation. However, most people want more than a slab for a home; they also want walls, a roof, a floor plan, and many other things. Therefore, in order to determine a floor plan, the couple not only needs to remember the old floor plan, they also need to remember that it didn’t work. But how do we know the new plan will work? You don’t.
You don’t get to have a fully developed trust right now; but, what type of distrust you experience is vital in determining progress or the lack thereof.
When a couple in betrayal trauma recovery begins to actively work to transition out of the old and into the new, there are two types of distrust they may experience. Both types are functional in that they help couples measure progress. But, there is one type that we want couples to experience less and less of as it represents backsliding, while the other type represents forward movement. Let’s begin with the first and less desirable type.
Remember, distrust does NOT feel good despite which type you are experiencing.
The first type we call REACTIVE DISTRUST. Think of this type of distrust as a red light, a no-go experience. This kind of distrust is best described as feelings, actions or behaviors that are all too familiar. It feels and looks like the old relationship. You know – the one where secrecy gained a foothold which led to infidelity. These actions or exchanges represent “more of the same.” And, as we say, more of the same will only get you more of the same.
If you find yourself in throes of betrayal trauma, don’t hesitate to contact us or search for a betrayal trauma therapist in your area.
~Carrie Kyger and Joshua Nichols~
Licensed Marital & Family Therapists
Certified Sex Addictions Therapists
